LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON (1953) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS (3-D)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 31st, 2008)

A team of astronauts headed to the moon are knocked off course by a comet.  While making repairs, the sole woman in the group (Marie Windsor) gets telepathic messages telling her to land on “the dark side of the moon”.  (They must be Pink Floyd fans.)  Turns out that the messages were coming from the Cat-Women; a race of hot chicks that like to wear skintight spandex costumes and serious eye make-up.  (They also have a knack for badly choreographed dance routines, but the less said about that, the better.) 

 

Of course, the Cat-Women want to use the astronauts and take over Earth.  Of course, one of the weaker Cat-Women falls in love with one of the square-jawed men.  Of course, the astronauts have to kill a lot of bitchy Cat-Women.

 

Of all the extraterrestrial female-ran society movies of the '50s, I’d have to say that Queen of Outer Space is my favorite.  Cat-Women of the Moon is probably a close second though.  While it ain’t great by any shakes, if you’re into cheesy '50s Sci-Fi films, you certainly can do a lot worse.  The flick starts out fine, but once the astronauts make contact with the Cat-Women, there’s a lot of scenes of them just sitting around talking and not enough action.  Not to mention that it features one of the lamest non-endings ever.  That’s okay though because shit like this is right up my alley so I was able to excuse the flick for its various shortcomings.

 

What I liked best was the awesomely bad special effects.  Like how the spaceship's seats were actually thinly veiled patio lounge chairs and office furniture; or how the astronauts’ radiation suits were nothing more than beekeeper outfits.  The highlight though was the giant spider attack.  Honestly folks, there are few things finer in this life than seeing a bunch of cut-rate ‘50s actors fend off a giant rubber spider. 

 

Cat-Women of the Moon was originally filmed in 3-D, but it’s okay to watch the 2-D version because nothing really leaps out at the screen anyways.  The excellent score was by none other than Elmer Bernstein.  He also did the equally great music for another Grade Z classic, Robot Monster the same year.  This film was later remade as Missile to the Moon, which I guess I’ll have to check out at some point, seeing as I can’t get enough of ‘50s chicks in tight spandex outfits.

 

AKA:  Rocket to the Moon.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

The tape I watched was the 3-D version that was released by Rhino in the ‘90s.  Since my thoughts on the movie haven’t changed all that much, I’ll just review the 3-D presentation.  Sad to say, the 3-D is pretty disappointing as it only works about a third of the time.  Sometimes, the screen is a blurred mess, but if you relax your eyes, suddenly it’ll come into focus and the 3-D works.  (Kind of like a “Magic Eye” picture.)  Although the majority of the close-ups and long shots don’t seem to want to stay in focus, most of the medium shots seem to work.  Nothing pops out of the screen, or anything mind you.  However, these shots aren’t blurry as all get out, which is a blessing. 

As a novelty, the 3-D is kind of fun but it doesn’t work successfully enough to make the tape worthwhile.  Maybe someday the 3-D Film Archive will strike a new print in pristine 4K with proper 3-D.   Till then, I’d say stick with the flat version.  

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: THE EQUALIZER 3 (2023) *** ½

The opening action sequence of The Equalizer 3 contains what could possibly be the greatest gun punch in cinema history.  Denzel Washington punches a gun in the face while holding a gun in his hand, and the barrel goes through the dude’s eye.  THEN Denzel pulls the trigger.  I knew right then and there I was in for something special.  

We catch up with Denzel, who is now in Sicily healing up from a bullet wound.  Naturally, he tries to rush his recovery and more than one of the locals tells him to “go slower”.  I think that was director Antoine Fuqua’s policy too.  And I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I’m not saying the movie goes slower in a “moves like molasses” way.  I’m saying it goes slower like someone savoring every bite of a good meal.  After three Equalizer films together, Fuqua probably knows this is his and Denzel’s last go round, so they’re taking their time with this entry.  

Sure, his character is older and slower too, but that doesn’t mean he can’t still kick ass.  It’s just that time might be catching up with him.  And when your time is fast approaching, the only way to fight against it is to slow it down. 

As Denzel rests, he gets to know the people of the town.  He thinks he could settle down in a place like this.  Predictably, some local hot shot gangster wannabes harass the townsfolk and shopkeepers and try to run them out of town.  It’s then up to Denzel to set things right. 

The Equalizer 3 is a modern updating of the old gunslinger’s last stand motif with a small Sicilian village filling in for a Wild West town.  After the showstopping opening, things remain quiet, but powerful throughout.  This is a case where less is actually more.  We are witnessing a man craving peace and he only turns to his old ways to achieve it.  What makes the movie special is that he’s not seeking retribution, just a nice place to settle down.  He’s not out for vengeance.  Just peace and quiet.  I liked that.  The finale kind of sneaks up on you too, if only because the scenes of Washington being welcomed into the town work so well.  Things end not with a big action sequence, but with a long drawn-out scene of the bad guy suffering.  Some viewers might’ve been hoping for something closer to the Home Depot massacre of the first film, but for this entry (and possibly the series), it’s a fitting end. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MOVING TARGET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Don “The Dragon” Wilson kicks ass in Ireland in what could’ve easily been called The Bloodfist of Inisherin.  Okay, not really.  All jokes aside, for my money, this is one of his best. 

Anyway, Don goes all the way to the Emerald Isle to meet an internet date (Eileen McClosky).  She sends him out for beer, and he walks out with a six-pack, and wouldn’t you know it?  Some creep tries to kickbox him in the parking lot for it.  Since this is The Dragon we’re talking about here, he wins handily.  However, this guy’s boss REALLY wants the six-pack and guns down Don’s pen pals’ coworkers to get a line on Don’s location.  Turns out, there’s some nuclear detonators hidden inside the beer (!) and everyone and their grandma wants to get their hands on them. 

I swear, only Irishmen or high school seniors would go through this much trouble for a sixer. 

Apparently, this is a remake of Bloodfist 4, but with a six-pack of beer as the McGuffin instead of a box of chocolates.  It’s from the same writer/director, Paul Ziller, who got a lot of mileage out of the change of scenery.  (Not to mention all the internet dating stuff.)

I have to say I liked this one a lot better than Bloodfist 4, if only for the scenic setting, the goofy tone, and loosey-goosey vibe.  Sure, the plot chases its tail a bit, and there’s maybe one too many double-crosses during the third act, but the film is chockfull of scenes of Wilson kicking lots of people in the face, which is all that really matters in something like this.  It also helps that Ziller is more than adept at staging all the Kung Fu fights and shootouts.

This was the final collaboration between Wilson and producer Roger Corman, and I say they went out with a bang. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NO TOMORROW (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Master P directs and stars in this star-studded, late era, PM Entertainment action flick.  Trying to keep track of the plot and characters is liable to give you vertigo.  Master P is a street level arms dealer who has beef with an international arms dealer played by Gary Busey.  Pam Grier is the Fed who wants to arrest Busey.  Gary Daniels is a meek office worker who gets roped into some shady computer scheme with his sleazy co-worker (Jeff Fahey).  Little does he know Daniels is working undercover.  When Daniels winds up saving Busey’s life during a high-speed pursuit, he repays him by making him a part of his crew.  Oh, and since Master P directed it, there’s a random rap sequence. 

The opening is great.  Master P busts up an arms deal by showing off the latest model of flamethrower/rocket launcher and blowing up and/or burning and/or blowing up AND burning dozens of henchmen.  Now, I don’t know how PRACTICAL a combination flamethrower and rocket launcher is, but it certainly LOOKS cool.  Sadly, this is the only time in the movie when someone uses the weapon. 

The plot is messy (Master P’s scenes feel like they came out of an entirely different movie), and they do the PM trend of inserting action sequences from other movies and passing them off as their own.  (Most notably, Air America).  Some fun can be gleaned from watching the cast do their thing.  (Although Grier is kind of wasted as she spends most of her screen time in a call center sitting at a desk and wearing a headset which makes her look like a Time-Life operator.)  However, much of the film’s wind gets knocked out of its sails once Fahey exits the picture about halfway through.  I don’t know.  Maybe another couple dozen henchmen served up well done by Master P's flamethrower would’ve put this over the top to a *** rating.  It certainly couldn’t have hurt. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NOWHERE TO RUN (1993) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Jean-Claude Van Damme tried to showcase his acting range with this one as it’s more serious and grounded than his previous outings.  However, he just wasn’t quite up to the challenge as he still had a long way to go as an actor.  He did, however, mature nicely as a thespian later in his career with memorable turns in Expendables 2, Pound of Flesh, and Enemies Closer.  It’s just at this stage in his career he needed a gimmick like Cyborgs or Timecops or twin brothers to make his vehicles work. 

Nowhere to Run is essentially an action movie reworking of Shane.  (There’s a scene where cops chase Van Damme on horseback just in case you didn’t catch on that this is supposed to be a modern day western.)  Greedy land developers try to run Rosanna Arquette off her land.  She won’t budge.  JCVD is a drifter who makes amends for past misdeeds by helping her take a stand against the company and defend her property. 

Directed by The Hitcher’s Robert Harmon with a slick but empty style, the pacing is a little staid and the action a bit lackluster compared to other VD action flicks of the era.  Van Damme tries, but he’s in over his head with a more dramatic role than usual.  It doesn’t help that his one-liners are kinda weak.  (“Au revoir, fucker!”)

You know you’re in trouble when a dead guy gets a story credit.  (In this case, it’s Return of the Jedi’s Richard Marquand).  That usually means the script has been kicking around Hollywood forever.  Even with names like Joe (Basic Instinct) Eszterhas, Leslie (Nightmare on Elm Street 5) Bohem, and Randy (Tango and Cash) Feldman listed as the other screenwriters, it all seems rather generic and derivative.  The villains (Lethal Weapon 2’s Joss Ackland and The Silence of the Lamb’s Ted Levine) are good though, and Arquette’s nude scenes are more or less worth the price of admission.  (It must’ve been the Eszterhas influence.) 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: MEG 2: THE TRENCH (2023) ** ½

Jason Statham and his research team continue to explore the depths of “the trench” where potentially thousands of prehistoric aquatic creatures dwell.  They find a baby Megalodon and keep it as a pet/test subject/mascot.  While in the trench, they uncover an illegal mining operation.  Double crossed by their corporate benefactor (who naturally, is the brains behind the secret mining outfit), they narrowly escape with their lives and once they get to land, they must stop giant prehistoric escapees from devouring vacationers at an island resort. 

Directed by indie favorite Ben Wheatley (although you’d never guess it from the looks of things), Meg 2 kicks off with a fun sequence set during the Cretaceous period where a Megalodon chomps down on a T-Rex.  Too bad the first two acts are rather dull.  The scenes where Statham and his team are forced to wander around the ocean floor really bog things down and feel like an Asylum version of The Abyss.  The good news is the movie really comes to life in the third act where not one, but three Megs (and a squid and some assorted prehistoric beasties) turn an island full of tourists into an all you can eat buffet.  I just wish this same sense of fun was prevalent throughout the rest of the film. 

Most of the time, Statham looks like he’s only there out of a contractual obligation, but like the movie itself, he shows some flair once he starts single-handedly taking out Megs while armed with homemade exploding harpoons and riding around on a jet ski.   The inclusion of Wolf Warrior’s Jing Wu, on the other hand, feels more like a mandate from the Chinese co-production company than an inspired touch from the casting department.  The rest of the team are pretty much walking cliches (nerdy dude, sexy helicopter pilot, and annoying precocious kid), which I guess doesn’t matter since most of them become Meg Chow anyway. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RAMPAGE: PRESIDENT DOWN (2016) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

“The President of the United States has been assassinated.”  That line is spoken by a newscaster in the movie.  I’m not even sure if the President is even given a name.  I do know the budget was so low they couldn’t even afford to show the assassination.  Instead, we are just told that the mass-shooting antihero Bill (co-writer and co-producer Brendan Fletcher) has done the deed (and killed the Vice President and Secretary of State while he was at it).  Now hiding in a hole in the woods, Bill makes YouTube videos where he rambles on and on incoherently about his political philosophy or lack thereof. 

Yes, Uwe Boll is back on his bollshit with the third and hopefully final installment in the Rampage trilogy. 

When the movie isn’t focusing on Bill in his hole, we follow two bland Feds trying to find the assassin.  These scenes feel like the cheapest cop show you’ve ever seen.  Somehow, the news broadcast scenes look even cheaper.  It’s also unnecessarily padded with scenes from the other two movies in the franchise. 

While Boll doesn’t show the “President Down” portion of the title, the “Rampage” that is glimpsed leaves something to be desired.  The action is mostly limited to the third act when Bill ambushes the Feds who try to bust him in his compound.  While the first two films were by no means good, they at least offered the sight of Bill running around the city and killing people.  (You know… an actual rampage.)  This one can only muster lots of slow-motion shots of SWAT team members flying through the air in the middle of the goddamned woods.  What’s worse is that when the movie SHOULD be over, it continues with shots of Bill’s “disciples” picking up where he left off.  They even execute Britney Spears!  (Off screen, of course.  If Boll won’t show the President being killed, he certainly won’t show Britney getting offed.)  His teary-eyed videotaped message to his son is especially hard to take. 

I’m not sure if this is Boll’s worst, but it’s gotta be damned near the bottom of the Boll barrel. 

Boll retired after this shit show (the stinger at the end features Uwe tipping his cap to the camera and walking off into the sunset), but unfortunately, it turned out to be more of an extended hiatus. 

Oh, and the dialogue?  Absolutely atrocious.  In one scene, a news anchor says, “Sadly, these stories are occurring at an all-too common occurrence.”  Man, that’s some Ed Wood shit right there.