Tuesday, January 31, 2023

TUBI CONTINUED… THE AWAKENING OF EMANUELLE (2021) *

When Tubi recommended this to me I was ecstatic.  The fact that they were still making Fake Emmanuelle movies this deep into the 21st century warmed the cockles of my heart.  The fact that it was a little over an hour was also enticing.  However, it’s pretty much a trainwreck from the word go.  

Emanuelle (Nicole D’Angelo, who also co-directed) is an out of work fashion model who comes crawling back to her asshole photographer boyfriend (Chris Spinelli).  It doesn’t take long for him to fall back into his pattern of abuse and Emanuelle is left with no choice but to stab him with a pair of scissors.  She then gravitates to another photographer (Lynn Ellison).  This one a creepy dude who likes to videotape his models before he photographs them.  Needless to say, Emanuelle is not one of stabile relationships.

I have seen a lot of Fake Emmanuelle movies in my time, but this might be the silver screen’s first fake Fake Emmanuelle movie.  Despite the fact that Emanuelle is a fashion model, goes on photo shoots, takes showers, and has sex many times, she is never once shown in the nude.  What the hell kind of shit is this Fake Emmanuelle movie trying to pull?

I love the fact that there are new Fake Emmanuelle movies being made.  In fact, everybody with a video camera and a hot actress at their disposal should be making Fake Emmanuelle movies.  There should be as many of these things as there are “Amityville” movies.  While I’m happy The Awakening of Emanuelle exists, it’s just not good.  Like at all.    

Turning Emanuelle into a serial killer/fashion model wasn’t the worst idea in the world, but the movie never fully commits to the premise.  The worst part is all of Emanuelle’s mind-numbingly bad, pseudo-intellectual, amateurishly existential narration.  It’s like they’re trying to make Emanuelle out to be more than a pretty face, but they make her sound even dumber as her narration feels like she’s just repeating stuff she heard on an ASMR YouTube video.

D'Angelo isn’t bad in the lead role.  It’s not her fault she has to deliver so much bad narration.  I’d even venture to guess that the narration would’ve been tolerable had she gotten naked like the Fake Emmanuelles that preceded her.  The best moment comes from Jim Wynorski regular Lisa London as a former model-turned-CEO who has a nice monologue about aging.  Too bad that kind of gravitas is missing elsewhere in the picture.

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