ONE DARK NIGHT (1983) * ½

A psychic kills a bunch of women using “bio-energy” and then dies mysteriously.  His body is interred in a mausoleum where a girl gang initiation is taking place.  While Meg Tilly spends the night in the mausoleum to prove her worth to her “sisterhood”, the psychic revives himself and begins to wreak havoc on the girls.

Directed by Tom McLoughlin, One Dark Night suffers from an extremely longwinded set-up.  Not only do you have to wait around while the girls make their way to the mausoleum, you also have to deal with the marital shit involving Adam West and his wife arguing constantly.  Even when Tilly finally gets to tomb, it’s still a slog as the film is heavily padded with lots of long scenes of Tilly walking down the halls of the mausoleum.  

In fact, it takes over an hour for anything remotely supernatural to occur.  Once it finally does, it’s nothing to write home about.  The initial scenes of the dead rising from their interment is cool, but once they’re finally out, all they do is float around in the air and… dogpile their victims?  

I like Tilly as much as anyone, but most of the film is devoted to her hanging around the mausoleum waiting for something to happen.  Unfortunately, so does the audience.  Even the solid supporting cast is basically wasted.  I mean what can you say about a movie that casts Adam West and Elizabeth Daily and then gives them absolutely nothing to do?

Lucky for us, McLoughlin got much better with Friday the 13^th Part 6:  Jason Lives. 

AKA:  Entity Force.  AKA:  Mausoleum.  AKA:  Dark Night.  AKA:  Night of Darkness.  

SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) ***

Super Dark Times takes us back to the ‘90s.  It was a time in the days before the internet where teenage boys had to settle for watching scrambled Playboy Channel signals on cable instead of XXX porn on their phone.  It was also a time where you could ride your bikes with your friends while arguing about Marvel characters and daring each other to eat weird gas station food, all without parent supervision. 

It’s a coming of age story, but it’s also a suspenseful morality tale.  It’s about how teenage boys can act like stupid children, and simple tomfoolery can turn deadly in an instant.  It’s about accidentally doing a heinous act, and how the fear of being caught can lead you down an even darker road. 

When you’re that age everything little act is magnified, and your emotions are amplified because of your hormones and your uncertainty of how the world really works.  Super Dark Times captures that feeling expertly.  It exists in the middle ground between John Hughes, Stephen King, and the Coen brothers, but has a unique view all its own.

I’ve been deliberately vague about the plot description.  It’s better to go in cold without any expectations.  Having said that, I think it probably runs on a tad too long.  I know the filmmakers want to let the characters stew in their own guilt before being propelled down a darker path, but I think the third act could’ve been streamlined a bit more.  It’s also less successful when it skirts with out-and-out horror, like during the dream sequences.  Still, there are enough powerful moments to ensure that Super Dark Times will stay with you.

The young performers are all excellent.  Owen Campbell does a fine job as the guilt-ridden Zach and Charlie Tahan (who sort of resembles Andrew Garfield) is a lot of fun to watch as the unbalanced Josh.  Tahan also gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I’m not going to die. I’m immortal. Like Highlander.” 

THE SORCERERS (1967) ***

Boris Karloff stars as a hypnotist, who along with his wife Catherine Lacey devise a method to telepathically control their subjects and force them to obey their will.  They dupe poor Ian Ogilvy into signing up for their experiment, which proves to be an immediate success.  There is one side effect:  The couple experiences all the sensations Ogilvy feels during his hypnosis.  After making Ogilvy steal an expensive fur coat, Lacey becomes addicted to the thrill of committing crimes.  She eventually overtakes her husband and uses the powerless Ogilvy to commit murder.

The Sorcerers was made in the late ‘60s so there’s a lot of trippy, psychedelic stuff in there.  During the experiment, Karloff’s machine emits garish strobe lights and projects tie-dyed colored lights on Ogilvy’s face.  There’s also a couple of mod musical numbers in a nightclub that helps to pad the running time out a bit.  These are the only dated bits in the film, which starts off as marginally silly, but becomes more engrossing and disturbing as it goes along.

Director Michael Reeves is low key in his approach.  The horror comes out of the corruption of the elderly couple as they push Ogilvy to commit more and more criminal acts.  There’s also the horror Karloff experiences as he witnesses the moral deterioration of his wife firsthand.  Then of course there’s Ogilvy’s horror at not being in control of his own actions, as Lacey forces to murder his friends.  Reeves deserves credit for stretching out such a thin premise and turning it into an absorbing battle of wills.  

The ‘60s was such a volatile time that you can almost see The Sorcerers as a parable for the era.  Since the generation gap was getting larger and larger at that time, you can view Karloff and Lacey as the older generation trying control the younger generation.  By contrast, you can also look at it as the younger generation being constantly overpowered and forced on a course of action their elders have already put in place for them.

Sure, this might’ve worked better as a forty-five-minute tale in a horror anthology.  It’s the power of the three lead performers, coupled with the skill of Reeves that keeps you so invested.  It’s a testament to Reeves’ directing chops (not to mention Karloff’s acting ability) that he can pass off close-ups of people concentrating as his finale and still make it suspenseful.  It’s a shame Reeves died so young because he certainly showed a lot of promise.  His next film, the iconic The Conqueror Worm, proved to be his last.

WACKO (1982) ** ½

A killer wearing a pumpkin on his head murders people with a lawn mower.  Thirteen years later, on Halloween (and prom night), people start dying again.  Naturally, he has his mower set to kill his first victim’s sibling (Julia Duffy), who of course had decided to pick prom night (and Halloween) to lose her virginity. 

Wacko, like Pandemonium and the other ‘80s slasher spoofs set in the Airplane! mold, is extremely spotty, but when it hits, it’s good for a couple of stupid chuckles.  Director Greydon Clark isn’t exactly known for his comedic prowess (as anyone who’s ever seen Angels Revenge can attest).  His main strength is action, which comes in handy during the not-bad crash and burn chase scene involving a couple of Drivers Ed cars.

There are sight gags about The Omen and Psycho, and even one particularly odd spoof of Alien.  I think my favorite bit was the fact that it took place at “Hitchcock High” and the school song is “Funeral March of a Marionette”.  Not all the jokes land (like Dr. Moreau turning the football team into werewolves), but there is a likeable goofiness about the whole thing that helps keep you involved.  

Some of the better moments are akin to what we saw in Pandemonium.  There’s a funny subtitle that calls out the filmmakers’ use of a tired cliché.  (In this case, an unnecessary dream sequence that prompts the audience to “go out and get some refreshments”.)  As with Pandemonium, it features a scene where characters inexplicably fly through the air after an explosion.  And like Pandemonium, it features a future star of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure in a supporting role.  (In this case, Elizabeth Daily.)

Speaking of the cast, Duffy does a fine job as the Final Girl of the piece.  We also have George Kennedy (doing a virtual dry run for his appearances in the Naked Gun movies) as Duffy’s pervert father.  The biggest surprise is seeing a young Andrew “Dice” Clay when his act was still in its formative stages.  He adopts a Travolta-esque persona and has a funny moment when he “gets hooked on pea soup” and his heads spins around like in The Exorcist.  Joe Don Baker also gets to chew the scenery as the drunk slob detective on the case (he’s essentially still playing Mitchell).  However, the sight of Joe Don Baker in drag being whipped by a dominatrix dressed in leather isn’t funny. In fact, it’s one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen in some time.

Some of the jokes are good for a laugh (like Kennedy’s address to the audience before the closing credits).  Some are just plain stupid (like the talking elephant).  Overall, Wacko is a fun, if extremely uneven slasher spoof.

Baker also starred in Clark’s Final Justice the following year. 

AKA:  Wacko Weekend.  AKA:  Crazy Doctor in Love.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: VICTOR CROWLEY (2018) ** ½

(Note:  This is actually the 32^nd Movie of Horror-Ween, but I had a little extra time on my hands this month, so consider this one a bonus.)

Victor Crowley is the fourth film in the uneven Hatchet series.  It was made in secret by director Adam (Hatchet 1 and 2) Green and sprung upon an unsuspecting world.  (Kind of like the new Blair Witch movie.)  It’s a step up in quality from the last two entries in the series, but still isn’t quite up to snuff with the original.

The opening sequence, set in the ‘60s, is my favorite part.  Part of the reason is because it features Jonah Ray from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Kelly Vrooman from The Sunny Side Up Show.  They have a good vibe together and it’s a shame they’re totally dismembered before the opening credits roll.

Well, it’s ten years after the Victor Crowley murders.  Andrew (Parry Shen), the paramedic who survived the ordeal, has written a tell-all book on the subject.  As he makes the talk show rounds, people make it abundantly clear they think he’s the real murderer.  While on his way to revisit the scene of the crime for a true crime show, the plane crashes into the swamp.  Meanwhile, a group of filmmakers trying to make a movie about the murders, happen by the plane crash and offer assistance.  Naturally, Crowley (Kane Hodder) is prowling around the swamp with his trusty hatchet in hand waiting to turn everyone into chopped liver.

There’s more comedy this time out, and much of it is successful; something that can’t be said for the other entries in the series.  (I liked the constant interruptions by the captain on the PA system during the flight.)  Felissa Rose steals a handful of scenes as a mouthy publicist and Dave Sheridan is on hand to do impressions and act as a likeable goofball as the tour guide/aspiring actor.  Shen also gets to show off his comedic chops, especially in the scene where he is forced to sit in on what has to be the most awkward book signing in history.  

Speaking of chops, the gore is solid this time out.  There’s plenty of eye gouging, decapitation, face-hammering, scalping, and head stomping to go around.  The best bit is a nod to Cannibal Holocaust but updated for the smartphone era.

Despite doing a better job at combining the gore with the comedy than in any of the other sequels, Green never really finds a way to tie it all together.  It’s not bad or anything, but the movie often feels slight and unnecessary.  There’s really nothing here that builds upon the established lore of the character, which is odd because it’s called Victor Crowley.  Because of that, I was expecting it to at least focus on him a little more instead of keeping him in the shadows for most of the film.  Maybe I wouldn’t have felt this way if they had just called it Hatchet 4.

AKA:  Hatchet:  Victor Crowley.

(There might be a few more reviews on tap before Halloween comes to a close tomorrow, but if for whatever reason I don’t post any, fear not:  I’ll continue the horror-movie-watching project throughout November with a little feature I call “Halloween Hangover”.)

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: RETURN TO BLOODFART LAKE (2012) *

A crew of ghost hunters go to the cabin on Bloodfart Lake to make a documentary about the scarecrow murders.  Little do they know the demented killer is back prowling around Bloodfart Lake in search of victims.  It’s then up to the survivors of the first attack to save the film crew.

Return to Bloodfart Lake is exactly the kind of movie I was expecting the first film to be.  That one surprised me with a healthy dose of genuinely funny dialogue and a handful of gory kills.  This one is pretty much the pits.

The acting is even more amateurish this time around, even by those who were in the first movie.  Some actors even look like they’re on the verge of laughing while reciting their awkward, profanity-laden dialogue.  Also, many of them speak in terrible accents that get on your nerves the second they open their mouths.

The original had some rough patches, but there was some genuinely hilarious stuff sprinkled throughout.  This one is mostly just a chore to sit through.  To make matters worse, Return to Bloodfart Lake looks even cheaper than its predecessor, if you can believe it.  There’s even more awful ska music too.

The ending is particularly annoying.  It features (among other things) a breakdance battle with the killer, unholy marriages, sex changes, characters from the first movie returning from the dead… and then… nothing happens.  It’s frustrating to say the least.

We do get an occasional stray funny one-liner (“Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio!”), although they are more the exception than the rule.  There’s also at least one over the top death, but that’s still not remotely enough to make it all worthwhile.  I mean what can you say about a movie in which the killer shoves corn into a guy’s ears and he doesn’t even bother to make a joke about an “ear of corn”?  That’s just lazy.

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993) ***

Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas is celebrating its 25^th anniversary and in those 25 years, I had never seen it.  You might think it odd since Burton is one of my favorite filmmakers (even though it was actually directed by Henry Sellick, Burton’s fingerprints are all over this thing).  I guess when it first came out, I was a broody teenager who felt I was “too old” to see an animated movie.  My daughter, who is nine, and is obsessed with all things stop-motion, hadn’t seen it, so what better way for both of us to experience it for the first time than in a theater?

You all probably know more about the movie than I do, but it’s all about Jack Skellington (Chris Sarandon, with a singing voice provided by Danny Elfman), the Pumpkin King who lords over Halloweentown.  He’s gotten bored with all the skeletons, graveyards, and ghosts and shit, so he’s become even more despondent than usual.  When he finds a door leading to Christmastown, he gathers all his ghoulish friends together to do Christmas their way… which leads to some predictably disastrous results. 

The world Sellick and Burton creates is a thing of beauty.  It’s kind of like Mad Monster Party, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas all rolled into one.  While the plot may be as thin as Jack is, the film is visually dazzling, fast-paced, and enormously entertaining.  The standout sequence comes when Jack kidnaps Santa and leaves ghoulish gifts to all the girls and boys, but the throwaway moments like when he plays fetch with his dog using his own rib are equally amusing. 

If there is a problem, it’s that some of the songs sound the same.  Because of Elfman’s talk-sing delivery, many of the songs have a tendency to blur together.  Only “What’s This” and the opening number “This is Halloween” have any pizzazz.  (Part of me just wishes he was still singing the way he did when he was in Oingo Boingo, but that’s just me.)

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: TERROR AT BLOODFART LAKE (2009) ***

Terror at Bloodfart Lake is another foulmouthed, grade Z, no-budget horror flick from Chris (Mulva:  Zombie Ass-Kicker) Seaver.  Since I’ve seen a good number of Seaver’s films going in, I kind of knew what I was getting myself into.  But let's face it:  How could I not watch a movie called Terror at Bloodfart Lake?  The surprising thing is, I found myself laughing quite often during the mercifully short running time.  I can honestly say without a doubt this is Seaver’s best picture yet.

A group of friends go to a cabin in the woods to party all weekend.  One by one, they are picked off by a supernatural wisecracking scarecrow.  Naturally, the only ones who can stop it are a sexy biker babe and a bumbling redneck.

If you brace yourself for the amateurish acting and obnoxious dialogue full of juvenile potty humor, you should have a good time with Terror at Bloodfart Lake.  Some might be annoyed by the constant ska music and gratuitous plugs for Fright Rags T-shirts.  Stick with it though, and you’ll find some truly funny stuff here.  Most of the foulmouthed humor is hit and miss, but the oddball throwaway lines are often funnier.  (“Do you know the Dark Arts and listen to Evanescence?”)  There’s also a funny bit where a guy from Jersey talks about “The Boss”, but “Not Springsteen!  Tony friggin’ Danza!”

The highlights though are the murder sequences.  In most of them, the scarecrow killer uses ears of corn to dispatch his victims (including shoving it into one guy’s “cornhole”).  My favorite bit though was when he uses a liposuction machine to kill a big girl.  Many killers in movies would suck fat out of a girl’s body to kill her.  This one doesn’t stop there.  He actually shoves the hose in her mouth and feeds her own fat back to her.  That folks, is when I knew Terror at Bloodfart Lake was something special… or at least a notch or two better than your average low budget, shot-on-video, gory, horror-comedy. 

PRIME EVIL: CLASSIC HORROR TRAILERS (2007) **

(By the way, this is the thumbnail picture on Amazon Prime for this compilation, but the movie doesn’t even have a trailer for Frankenstein, which should give you an idea of the quality of this flick.)

You all know me.  You know movie trailer compilations are my kryptonite.  I’m especially susceptible to compilations of horror movie trailers.  When I stumbled upon this compilation on Amazon Prime, I knew I had to get my trailer on.  Now, I don’t ordinarily mind compilations that cross over various genres, particularly if they’re of the grindhouse and/or exploitation variety.  It’s just that… well… Classic Horror Trailers is one of the most confounding compilations I’ve ever seen.

It all starts out just fine and dandy with trailers for such classics as Tales of Terror, The Revenge of Frankenstein, The Unearthly, The Cyclops, Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, From Hell It Came, She Demons, The Bride and the Beast, The Cosmic Man, The Fiendish Ghouls, and The Raven.  Then, about twenty minutes in, there’s a trailer for… Francois Truffaut’s Day for Night?!?  What the what?  

Okay, maybe the editor fell asleep at the wheel and one of his art house buddies slipped it in.  I mean, I guess you could consider it a cult movie.  It’s certainly far from a “Classic Horror” flick though.

After that, it’s back to business.  There’s Queen of Outer Space (sure, it’s Sci-Fi, but there’s giant spiders in it, so I’ll allow it), Carnival of Souls, Tarantula, Black Sunday, Black Sabbath, The Mole People, and… High Plains Drifter?!?  I mean, I guess it could be considered a horror movie if you believe Clint Eastwood’s character is a ghost (which is possible because of the movie’s ambiguity), but still…

Okay, so after that brief detour into Clint Eastwood territory, we get back on track with trailers for The Masque of the Red Death, The Village of the Damned, Macabre, Dr. Cadman’s Secret (AKA:  The Black Sleep), Black Sunday… wait, didn’t we already see a trailer for Black Sunday?  Yup.  I’m not really complaining because who wouldn’t want to pass up an opportunity to see the sultry Barbara Steele, but it reinforces my theory that the editor had a case of narcolepsy when he was cobbling this together.

That’s followed by trailers for Caltiki the Immortal Monster, Frankenstein 1970, Black Pit of Dr. M, Monstrosity (AKA:  The Atomic Brain), Daughter of Horror (“Not one word is spoken on screen!”), Blood Man of the Devil (AKA:  House of the Black Death), The Vampire Lovers, and The House on Haunted Hill.  We also get a second trailer for The House on Haunted Hill, which plays up the “Emergo” gimmick.  Unfortunately, it’s also around this time where the audio gets out of synch and the actor’s dialogue rarely matches their lips, which gets quite annoying.

Trailers for Diary of a Madman, Flower Drum Song… FLOWER DRUM SONG?!?, My Name is Nobody… MY NAME IS NOBODY?!?, Privilege… PRIVILEGE?!? I’ve got to stop and go lay down to get my head straight.

Okay, I’m back.  What’s next?  Mondo Balordo (a Mondo movie narrated by Boris Karloff… Okay, I’ll guess I can accept that), The Last Wagon (a western with Richard Widmark), Taras Bulba (a Cossack action flick with Yul Brynner), The Projected Man (another Sci-Fi flick, but certainly closer to the theme of the compilation than Flower Drum Song), Long John Silver (WTF), and The Big Gundown (a western with Lee Van Cleef).  Seriously, why wasn’t this called Classic Horror Trailers with a Bunch of Western Trailers and Other Shit Thrown in?  Or, even better, just cut out all the trailers that weren’t remotely horror related?  And would it have been too much to ask for to have the audio synched up correctly?  Jeez. 

Things wrap up with trailers for Colossus:  The Forbin Project, Hammer’s version of The Mummy, The Brain Machine, Money, Women, and Guns (another western, but at least Lon Chaney, Jr. is in it), The Haunted Palace, A Bucket of Blood, 13 Ghosts, Man of a Thousand Faces, Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors, Dementia 13, The Hanging Tree (a western with Gary Cooper), The Curse of the Faceless Man, Marnie, and The Tingler.  

If the compilation ended at about the hour mark, this would’ve probably have been a *** or *** ½ movie because some of the trailers are really quite cool.  I particularly liked seeing trailers for familiar movies under their alternate titles.  Too bad the inexplicable use of non-horror trailers in the second hour, coupled with the out-of-synch audio eventually did a number on my brain and drove me batty.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: AMITYVILLE 1992: IT’S ABOUT TIME (1992) **

The Amityville sequels tend to blur together after about Part 3, so it’s always helpful when the subtitle reminds you which one it is.  In Amityville 1992’s case, it’s about time.  Or rather, a clock.

This was the sixth one in the series.  Like Part 4 it’s about a piece of furniture from the old Amityville Horror house bringing the evil upon another family.  It’s a little bit better than that entry, thanks mostly to some offbeat special effects and a smidge of T & A, but it’s no less uneven.

Stephen Macht comes home after a business trip and gives his girlfriend (Shawn Weatherly) a clock.  It doesn’t take long before his son (Damon Martin) is having weird visions.  While out jogging, a neighborhood dog bites Macht on the leg.  The bite gets infected, and he slowly transforms into a psycho.  His usually demure daughter (Megan Ward) also undergoes a transformation into a deadly sexed-up femme fatale.  Weatherly eventually learns the clock came from the Amityville house and sets out to stop her family from trying to kill one another.  

Amityville 1992 isn’t exactly great, but there are some definite highpoints.  We get a Final Destination-y death involving a diaper truck and the scene where Ward seduces her boyfriend into stepping into a puddle of slime has a distinct Elm Street vibe.  My favorite bit though was when Ward gets it on with her reflection in a mirror.

It’s About Time is a little more fun than your average Amityville sequel, thanks to the playful tone and director Tony (Hellbound:  Hellraiser 2) Randel’s staging of a handful of amusing set pieces.  It’s a shame the lackluster finale goes on too long and suffers from some pure stupidity.  (The scene where the clock turns the family old and young is just plain dumb.)  Also, the accompaniment of a ticking clock during the scenes of weird goings-on get repetitive quickly.  

It’s always nice to see the underappreciated Stephen Macht in a leading role, but unfortunately, he spends most of his screen time in bed nursing a leg wound.  It’s up to Weatherly to do most of the heavy lifting and she is well-equipped to do so (and I’m not just saying that because of her hot sex scene).  Ward does a fine job selling her transformation from goodie two-shoes to vamping vixen too.  It was also fun seeing Dick Miller pop up in a bit role.

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy  HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: AMITYVILLE HORROR: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989) **

You might not remember, but a few weeks ago, I was all jazzed to see a double feature of Amityville Horror:  The Evil Escapes and Amityville 1992:  It’s About Time on the big screen.  Due to lack of interest, the screening was abruptly cancelled, and I was left missing two Movies of Horror-Ween for the month of October.  Thanks to longtime reader Venom for providing me with copies of both films.

After the fun Amityville 3-D, the Amityville Horror franchise went straight to TV with Amityville Horror:  The Evil Escapes.  It was written and directed by Sandor Stern, which makes sense when you consider he wrote the screenplay for the original movie.  It’s silly, borderline stupid, and has some passages that feel like something out of a Lifetime Original.  However, there’s enough nuttiness here to keep die-hard Amityville addicts amused.

Jane Wyatt’s sister buys an ugly lamp at a yard sale at the Amityville Horror house.  She sends it to Jane out in California as a joke, but the joke’s on her because the old bag cuts herself on the lamp and dies a week later from tetanus.  Wyatt’s widowed daughter (Patty Duke) moves her family into her house and almost immediately, her young daughter starts seeing her dead dad.  After that, parrots are being found in the toaster oven, chainsaws start taking a life of their own, and phones are melting.  The only thing that can stop it are the priests who did the exorcism of the house in Amityville.

The Evil Escapes starts out with that very same exorcism scene.  Lights go on and off, chairs fly around, and black gunk runs down the walls.  Most of the shocks are just your standard issue Made for TV junk, but we do get one gnarly scene in which a guy’s hand gets stuck in a garbage disposal that is fairly gory for a movie starring Patty Duke.

The movie sort of plays like an overlong episode of the Friday the 13^th TV show in that antiques from a haunted spot carries the evil with it to another house.  The big problem with all of this is that your main villain is… a GODDAMN LAMP.  Sure, they try to make it spooky looking (it looks like a tree with a fishbowl on top), but it never works out.  

The Evil Escapes is dumber than a bag of hammers, but like most Part 4’s it has a bigger body count than the original.  Superfluous characters such as electricians and nannies are all introduced only to be killed off.  Because of that, it’s not exactly boring.

Now, I’m sure you’ll probably want to pull your hair out during the family strife scenes of the widowed Duke trying to get along with her crusty mother.  This shit is worse than your typical Lifetime Movie.  Hang with it though, because no matter how bad it gets, I find it hard to hate any movie that ends with an exorcism, levitating killer kids, and electrical cords attacking like cobras.  There’s also a positively hilarious set-up for a sequel that I’m sure never got paid off properly, unless The Amityville Pet Shop Horror is a thing.

AKA:  Amityville 4:  The Evil Escapes.  AKA:  Amityville Horror 4.

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy  HERE

PANDEMONIUM (1982) ** ½

In 1978, Halloween kicked off the slasher movie craze.  By 1982, the genre was in full swing, so much so that not one, but FIVE slasher parodies had flooded the market.  Those films included Saturday the 14^th, Student Bodies, Wacko, National Lampoon’s Class Reunion, and Pandemonium.  Out of all of them, I’d say Student Bodies is the most successful, but Pandemonium certainly had the best cast.  

In 1963, a group of cheerleaders at It Had to Be U are turned into (literal) shish-kabobs.  Twenty years later, Bambi (Candy Azzara) returns to the school start up a cheerleading camp.  The cheerleaders die off one by one at the hands of a psycho killer, and it’s up to an eager Mountie (Tom Smothers) to stop him.

Directed by Alfred Sole of Alice, Sweet Alice fame, Pandemonium is a bit all over the place.  For every joke that lands, there are two or three that crash and burn.  For this sort of thing, that’s not a bad average at all.  I liked the scene where Bambi tells her backstory while a subtitle reading “EXPOSITION” flashes at the bottom of the screen, the entire “House of Bad Pies” sequence is hysterical, and even though it’s racist AF, the Godzilla scene made me laugh.

The cheerleaders are all well-cast and likeable.  Judge Reinhold (with a bad blond dye job) gets some laughs, Debralee Scott is quite sexy, and Carol Kane is amusing as always.  The supporting cast is loaded with stars, many of whom are reduced to a walk-on part (or worse, completely wasted).  There are a lot of Groundlings involved (including Phil Hartman, Paul Reubens, and John Paragon) which makes me wonder why Elvira wasn’t called in to at least cameo.  The best cameo comes from Eileen Brennan, doing a mean Piper Laurie impression during the scene that spoofs Carrie.  Speaking of Carrie, the ending manages to predate the telekinetic vs. slasher battle in Friday the 13^th Part 7 by six years, so that’s worth something at least.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: GODZILLA: CITY ON THE EDGE OF BATTLE (2018) * ½

Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle picks up immediately where Planet of the Monsters ended.  Our heroes, defeated by the massive Godzilla, encounter a race of tribal humans with psychic powers.  They learn the whereabouts of the remains of Mechagodzilla and try to get it up and running to fight against Godzilla.

This new series of Godzilla movies was originally intended as a TV show but were eventually strung together as a trilogy of features.  (The conclusion of the trilogy is supposed to be released to Netflix later in the year.)  Like Planet of the Monsters, there is a LOT of talk and the whole thing suffers whenever The G-Man isn’t on screen (which is most of the movie, I’m afraid).  Part of the fun of the Godzilla series is seeing giant monsters stomp on cities and fight other giant monsters.  Setting this trilogy in a future where Earth has become a desolate pseudo-metallic jungle was a bold choice.  The downside is that it doesn’t offer much for old school fans like me.  I mean, I can accept a CGI monster, even though I love men-in-suit ones.  It’s just that they never find very much for Godzilla to do.

Godzilla certainly looks cool.  I don’t know about his massive frame in this one (which makes him by far bigger than any of the other previous Godzillas), but the animation is such that it’s hard to get a sense of his scale, so it doesn’t really matter anyway.  The revisionist idea that Mechagodzilla is a nanotechnological entity is intriguing.  The problem is, the set-up is laborious, and the payoff is anticlimactic.  

It’s not all bad though.  The twin tribal girls are probably the best part of the movie.  They’re kind of like a blend of the twins from Mothra and Jaylah from Star Trek Beyond.  Maybe they’ll get something worthwhile to do in the conclusion of the trilogy.

Speaking of which, I’m sure all of this will get wrapped up eventually.  There’s a post-credits stinger that teases the return of a fan favorite monster.  Maybe the final installment will also contain some of the old school monster mashing that’s sorely lacking in the first two entries.  As it stands, City on the Edge of Battle is a step down from Planet of the Monsters.  It’s mostly a talk-fest, and what little Godzilla action we do get is disappointing and unsatisfying.

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: GODZILLA: PLANET OF THE MONSTERS (2018) **

I’m not really an anime guy.  The only anime series I ever flat out loved was Kekko Kamen.  Everything else from Akira to Vampire Hunter D sort of left me cold.  However, when Netflix announced a trilogy of anime Godzilla features, I was intrigued.  Being a fan of all things G-Man (not to mention his ‘70s cartoon), I figured I’d give this series a whirl.

Earth is on the brink of destruction from Godzilla’s constant kaiju battles.  The last remaining humans board a spaceship and head to the stars looking for an inhabitable planet.  After a fruitless search, the crew decides to return to Earth to reclaim their planet from Godzilla.

I’ve never been a fan of the whole anime style, but this doesn’t look all that bad.  The design on Godzilla is decent enough and if he was removed from the action, he would’ve looked at home in a live-action movie.  (Those who criticized Godzilla’s tubby frame in the 2014 American remake will be disappointed as it looks like The G-Man’s put on even more weight here.)  I also liked the design on the various spaceships and flying motorcycles (although the “power suits” are a bit clunky looking).  

However, when it comes to traditional monster mashing, the film is sorely lacking.  The dragon monsters, though nicely animated, are never much of a threat and feel more like video game foes the characters have to defeat before working their way up the boss (or in this case, Godzilla).  Had there been a monster for Godzilla to fight, or at the very least, a building he could’ve stepped on, this might’ve gone down a lot smoother.

The human scenes in a live-action Godzilla movie are always the slowest and most boring things about it.  That feeling is amplified in an animated flick.  I just didn’t feel anything for the characters.  I know the same thing can be said for any other Godzilla film, but the animated characters never quite get you absorbed in their plight.  The most memorable character is the hard ass captain, who also has the best line of the movie:  “In times like these I find myself jealous of those who have gods to pray to!”

AKA:  Godzilla:  Monster Planet.

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy  HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: THE FIRST PURGE (2018) **

With The First Purge, we finally get to see how The Purge came to be.  It starts as an experiment on Staten Island when “The New Founding Fathers” legalize crime on the island for twelve hours.  A psychologist (Marisa Tomei) designed the night to be a “cultural experiment”, but the new political party, anxious to sway the experiment in their favor to further their agenda, send government assassins into the streets to cause chaos.

As I’ve watched these movies, I’ve always wondered what brought upon the Purge, and in the end, it turns out it was some Tea Party bullshit.  

The conceit that poor and/or psychologically imbalanced people have been financially compensated for their participation to ensure and/or incentivize anarchy prevails feels like stacking the deck a bit.  I did however like how some of the characters considered to be “criminals” try to defend their neighborhood from the hooligans committing “legal” crimes.  This sort of finely balanced nuance is eventually thrown out the window in favor of them doing battle with killers wearing KKK garb and assassins in blackface masks, which bluntly hammers home the point to the folks in the cheap seats.  

What’s interesting is that at first, no one in the neighborhood really purges.  Instead, they hold massive block parties with lots of booze and loud music.  (Noise violations be damned!  This is Purge night!)  I also appreciated some of the more random moments of WTF mayhem (like bag ladies rigging up exploding teddy bears).  It’s these little touches that help make this entry the best in the series.  Unfortunately, by the third act, it just becomes an unending series of repetitive action sequences.  The action pales in comparison to what we saw in The Purge:  Anarchy and suffer from some cheap-looking CGI bullet hits.

Like Election Year, The First Purge works better when it sticks to surviving.  The subplot of a young drug dealer trying to outrun a demented, wild-eyed killer known as “Skeletor” (who turns a couple of needles into a set of makeshift Wolverine claws) is more involving than anything we’ve seen previously in the series.  When it comes to the heavy-handed sermonizing though, it’s a little too on-the-nose for me.  (“They’re turning our neighborhood into the Coliseum.  Are we going to be the Christians or the lions?”)

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR (2016) * ½

Senator Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell), who lost her family during Purge Night begins a campaign to abolish the Purge.  The Washington elite want to silence Roan and set out to assassinate her during the Purge.  Her head of security, Barnes (Frank Grillo) knows a thing or two about surviving the Purge and must protect her from not only the government hitmen, but also the killers roaming the streets.

The germ of The Purge has always been interesting enough, which makes the humdrum execution in film after film so damned frustrating.  Returning writer/director James DeMonaco hasn’t done hardly anything with the concept after three middling movies.  You get a sense that Rod Serling could’ve said so much more with the idea in a half hour episode of The Twilight Zone.  

The political ramifications of the Purge as portrayed in Election Year are clumsy and ham-fisted at best.  The more DeMonaco tries to make the Purge out to be a class struggle sort of thing, the more the allegorical aspects of the concept begin to unravel.  The further away from the survivalist plotline the film gets, the shakier the whole thing becomes.  (The subplot about shopkeeper defending his store from teenage girls with machine guns wanting candy works slightly better.)

Further adding to the frustration is the fact that DeMonaco will introduce tantalizing new wrinkles into the mythology and then do absolutely nothing with them.  For example, the idea of foreigners coming to the U.S. for “murder tourism” could’ve been made into its own sequel.  (Although I would’ve thought you’d have to be a natural born citizen in order to purge, but that’s just me nitpicking.)  However, this intriguing idea is relegated to one brief television newscast, and immediately forgotten.

Although Election Year is easily the weakest film in The Purge series, the Justified fan in me enjoyed seeing that series’ stars Mykelti Williamson and Raymond J. Barry appearing in supporting roles.

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: HALLOWEEN (2018) * ½

Halloween is a good lesson to future filmmakers looking to resurrect dormant horror franchises.  It’s okay to put the original film in the series on a pedestal as long as you don’t look down your nose at the sequels that came before your new movie.  Don’t think that just because you have some of the original heavy hitters involved that it’s okay to retcon decades of enjoyable movies and erase other filmmakers’ hard work out of existence.  I beseech you, if you’re going to retcon something, make sure what you come up with is better than what you are retconning. 

This Halloween plays out as if everything from Halloween 2 (1981) to Halloween 2 (2009) never existed.  Erasing the revelation that Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is no longer Michael Myers’ sister was shortsighted.  If that’s the case, why does he come after her forty years later then?  Because he’s “pure evil”?  Give me a break. 

Director David Gordon Green is a filmmaker I admire.  I like how he goes from drama (like George Washington) to comedy (like Pineapple Express) seemingly on a whim.  I’ve also enjoyed his work on the small screen and believe Vice Principals to be one of the best shows in the past decade.  However, I don’t think he was the best choice to bring Michael Myers back.

A lot of the problem has to do with the staging of the suspense sequences.  In just about every case, there is no build up.  No tension.  No suspense.  The Shape just shows up and starts killing people.  Gone is the Myers who would hide in the bushes, disappearing at random, hiding under a sheet, and playing with the psyche of his intended victims.  This Myers is surprisingly much closer to the one found in the Rob Zombie movies (minus the weird beard and the extreme bulk) as the kills are often over the top and gory, (which is something the original Myers never was).  In fact, the highlight of the movie directly rips off Zombie’s Halloween 2, which in a film so beholden to John Carpenter’s original, is odd to say the least. 

Speaking of Zombie’s sequel, that film did a much better job at exploring Laurie Strode’s past trauma.  Heck, even Jamie Lee Curtis’ quiet scenes with Adam Arkin in H20 are more effective than her shrill yelling and bitching at her family’s lack of Boogeyman preparedness.  Say what you will about Halloween:  Resurrection, the Laurie vs. Michael scenes in that flick were better executed, and there’s nothing here remotely as satisfying as the axe scene at the culmination of H20. 

The subplot involving Myers’ new doctor is among the worst in the entire Halloween series.  Yes, that includes the cult of the Thorn.  Yes, that includes Busta Rhymes.

While we’re on the subject of Busta Rhymes, have you even watched Resurrection lately?  The lame “webcast” shit in that movie has not aged well at all.  In fact, it feels more dated in many ways than the original.  This Halloween revolves heavily around a couple of knuckleheads doing a podcast.  It’s my belief that this insipid plot device will date this entry even worse.

I also take issue with turning Laurie into a Sarah Connor knockoff.  (Right down to the fact that her kid was taken away from her by the authorities.)  Seeing her go from meek babysitter to pistol-packing granny is jarring to say the least.  Maybe if there were more scenes addressing her coming to terms with the ’78 attack, I could’ve accepted it.  However, it’s all done with shockingly little substance and no real motivation other than she wants to kill Michael.  Also, how can you introduce three generations of Strode women, but then give them no real meaningful scenes together?  (Their dinner table scene is cringe-worthy.)

The new characters are even worse.  In addition to the aforementioned doctor, this movie contains some of the worst teenage characters I’ve seen in a horror film lately.  They’re all awful characters whose only purpose is to be killed by Michael Myers.  I did like Will Patton as the sheriff, but he was woefully underserved by his thinly written character.

Even the finale, which is laboriously set-up fails to pack much of a punch.  The reverse-callbacks of the original are almost laughable.  (Although they got a big reaction from the opening night crowd, which just goes to show this is little more than hollow fan service.)  Maybe that’s because I felt absolutely nothing for this iteration of Laurie.  At least her character in H20 had a little spunk to her.  Here, she’s less a human being and more of a plot device to take out Michael Myers once and for all.  

I mean take the finale of H20 for example.  She locked her son out of the school in order to face Michael Myers alone.  Her first thought was to make sure her son was safe.  In this one, she locks her daughter INSIDE a basement with Myers on the loose in the house.  It’s even worse when it’s revealed (SPOILER) that the basement has been designed as a trap for Michael, which makes her daughter the bait!  That just didn’t sit well with me.  Heck, Curtis’ death scene in Resurrection is more touching than anything she did here. 

Which brings me to my biggest complaint about the movie.  It just feels so… ordinary.  Things happen in it, sure, but Green tries to downplay so much of the suspense that it might as well been nonexistent.  Halloween ’18 is competent on a technical level.  It’s well-shot and looks great.  But, is it a worse sin to be mind-numbingly awful like Halloween 6 or Halloween 8 or aggressively not good like this one?  At least those two films had memorable moments.  This one is mostly forgettable.

I never thought a movie would make me yearn for Josh Hartnett, but here we are. 

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy HERE

PRIME EVIL: THE RED QUEEN KILLS SEVEN TIMES (1976) ** ½

Two rich sisters named Kitty and Eveline live in a mansion where a spooky painting of a woman in a red cloak foretells their ominous fate.  Decades later, friends of the now-grown Kitty (played by Barbara Bouchet) are picked off one by one by a killer dressed as the woman in the painting.  It’s only a matter of time before she becomes the killer’s next target.  Even though the police are hard at work on the case, Kitty is withholding an incriminating secret that could bust the investigation wide open.

The central murder mystery is ho-hum, and the stalking scenes suffer from a few repetitive kills.  (The only memorable death involves someone being impaled on a gate.)  In fact, the film’s subplots are a lot more interesting than the murder investigation itself.  The legend of the woman in red, along with the revelation of Barbara’s big secret (not to mention her involvement with a junkie blackmailer) are sure to keep you engaged when the rest of the movie is spinning its wheels.

The Red Queen Kills Seven Times is an uneven, sometimes frustrating giallo, but it’s buoyed by a great performance by Bouchet.  She’s given plenty of scenes that allow her to descend into wild-eyed theatrics and she looks positively stunning during her freak-outs.  While most of the film is patchy, the final reel in which Bouchet is locked in a slowly flooding room teeming with rats is stellar.  (She also gets a handful of sultry nude scenes too.)  Sybil Danning also shows up briefly, but you’ll wish her part was bigger.

AKA:  Horror House.  AKA:  Blood Feast.  AKA:  Feast of Flesh.  AKA:  The Corpse Which Didn’t Want to Die.  AKA:  The Lady in Red Kills Seven Times.

You can watch the film for free on Amazon Prime:  HERE

THE 31 MOVIES OR HORROR-WEEN: THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (2018) **

I don’t know why it took ten years to make a sequel to The Strangers.  It wasn’t exactly great or anything, but its low-fi concept seemingly lends itself to unrelated sequel after unrelated sequel.  Maybe the lukewarm Strangers:  Prey at Night is proof that coming up with another similar scenario is harder than it looks.

I was looking forward to Prey at Night primarily because it gave Christina Hendricks an opportunity to have a leading role.  I don’t want to spoil anything, but… Let’s just say at least she’s top-billed.

Hendricks and her family are on their way to take her teenage daughter to boarding school.  They stop to spend the night at an abandoned trailer park owned by some relatives.  If you saw The Strangers, you know they’re about to be visited by a gang of home invaders wearing creepy masks who delight in tormenting the family before picking them off one by one.

The difference this time out is that the characters are in unfamiliar surroundings.  Because of that, it feels less like a violation of the home and more of a straightforward slasher.  That feeling is compounded by the fact that this time there are four potential victims instead of two, so there isn’t as much endless toying with the characters (or the audience).  That doesn’t exactly translate into scares though.  

The effectiveness of the killers’ stalking ability will probably depend on how creepy you find their masks.  Also, they don’t do much other than stand there, and when they finally do attack, they mostly just slice and dice.  There is at least one memorable jump scare, but it’s not enough to put this one into the win column.

Director Johannes Roberts films things with a stylish flair.  He gives us a lot of fog-drenched streets and gloomy exteriors, but that doesn’t exactly mask the fact that there really isn’t much of a movie here.  He also directed 47 Meters Down, which might explain the film’s extended underwater sequence.

His overuse of ‘80s songs like “Kids in America”, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, and “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” is marginally effective I guess.  Not only are the characters fighting for their lives, they have to struggle to survive while Air Supply blares in the background.  Personally, having to suffer through listening to Air Supply should count as torture all by itself.

AKA:  The Strangers 2.

Are you craving more reviews of horror sequels?  Well, you can read all about them in my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, which is currently on sale at Amazon.  Get your copy HERE.