A sexy snake woman named Damballa (Maureen Chan) is out in the swamp performing voodoo rituals. That doesn’t seem to bother a retired Army Ranger named Ted (Ronald Tanet) who settles down in a little cabin in the middle of the swamp. A trio of no-good swamp rats learn where he keeps his cash and kill him and make off with the loot. It’s then up to the sexy snake babe to exact revenge.
Crypt of Dark Secrets has an odd, low budget look and feel. Many of the swamp sequences are downright gorgeous while some interior shots are blurry and out of focus. A handful of the actors are hammy and amateurish while other players are quite good. Some stretches are strangely captivating while others are a total bore. (Like the flashback that tells Damballa’s story, which basically just boils down to a massive exposition dump.) For all its uneven qualities, there are a few genuinely surprising moments (like the fact that the killers immediately turn themselves in once they learn they’ve been cursed) and director Jack (Mardi Gras Massacre) Weis makes good use of the swamp locations, which helps make this an imperfect, but memorable winner.
The thing that really puts the movie into the win column is Maureen Chan as Damballa. Her willingness to do sexy voodoo ceremonies totally nude at the drop of a hat really endears her to the audience. There’s a particularly awesome scene where she revives the dude’s corpse by doing a sexy dance over his body and bumping and grinding on his chest. Naturally, he comes back to life, and they bone.
I think I have a Do Not Resuscitate clause in my will, but now I might have to amend my will and make an exception for sexy snake women. I mean have a sexy snake woman at least TRY to bring me back to life with her sexy nude gyrations before you pull the plug on me. It can’t hurt.
AKA: Dark Secrets.
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