You won’t fucking believe the opening scene of The Horrible Sexy Vampire. A dude gets strangled in the shower by the Invisible Man, without the benefit of special effects, mind you. Imagine a tubby middle-aged dude reenacting the shower scene in Psycho all by himself, and that’s what we’re talking about. It’s fucking hilarious. Alas, it’s all downhill from there, unfortunately.
Oh, and turns out the Invisible Man is actually the vampire of the title, but It’s hard to tell how horrible or sexy he is when he’s fucking invisible.
In fact, I think this is the first movie I’ve seen where a vampire is invisible. I have a suspicion they only gave him that power because the actor didn’t show up to the set that day. Since the filmmakers still had to film the scene, they fucking made his character invisible just so they could get some film in the can. I’d like to think that at least. Oh, and (SPOILER ALERT): When the vampire finally shows up in the flesh, he’s neither horrible nor sexy. (He looks like someone’s grandpa.)
Oh, and remember when I mentioned Psycho before? Well, like that classic, the main character gets killed off early on and then the movie has to start over with a new set of characters. I don’t mean to tell tales out of school, but Hitchcock did it better.
Anyway, the new character is the latest descendant of the vampire who comes to stay at his ancestral mansion. Intrigued by the skeletons in his family’s closet (along with the literal ones in the basement), not to mention the recent murders at the residence, he enlists the help of the new detective on the case to get to the bottom of the mystery.
Oh, and did I mention the vampire is called Count Winniger? But because he’s German it’s pronounced “Count Vinegar”! No wonder the whole movie leaves a sour taste in your mouth. At least the gratuitous scenes of random women disrobing give the whole thing a reason to exist.
During his investigation a policeman says, “Explaining is stupid. Why should I bother?” I have a feeling the screenwriters asked themselves the same thing.
AKA: The Vampire of the Highway.
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