THE SUBSTANCE (2024) ****

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a new sheriff in town.  Her name is Coralie Fargeat.  You might remember she made that solid revenge flick a few years ago, aptly titled Revenge.  I dug that movie sure enough, but nothing could’ve prepared me for her latest film, The Substance.  It is a modern classic that is destined to be critiqued, analyzed, and examined for years to come.  It is quite simply the ultimate horror film of the 21st century. 

The story is an old hat.  Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) is an aging celebrity fitness personality desperate to be young again.  She hears about a new wonder drug called “The Substance” and tries it.  Very quickly she learns about the side effects.

That set-up will no doubt seem familiar to anyone who’s seen The Wasp Woman or The Leech Woman.  Fargeat also borrows from a rather surprising array of sources, both highbrow and low.  What makes it work so gloriously well is that she wears her inspirations on her sleeve with pride.  There are moments here that look like Kubrick on ecstasy.  Others resemble Lynch on steroids.  The most accurate comparison I can make though is this:  Imagine if David Cronenberg directed the Barbie movie and that will give you an idea of what we have here. 

I don’t want to spoil the best parts of the movie, so I’ll keep the review as brief and vague as I can.  However, I will say that Fargeat crams a lot of messaging into the movie and says it all in bold and italics.  The reason it works is because she starts the film at 10 and continues to crank it up as the story progresses.  I mean, having a lecherous Hollywood type named “Harvey” is probably one of the most subtle aspects of the film. 

Sometimes, you need to beat the message into the audience.  When you see Elisabeth continuing to use The Substance, even though she knows it will destroy her, you can drop in miracle diets, weight loss cures, plastic surgery, etc. as the metaphor, and it works.  Look at the people who can’t stop having plastic surgeries but are so far gone they can’t seem to stop.  Look at the people jabbing themselves to stay thin.  Her deadly desire for The Substance doesn’t seem farfetched. 

The opening sequence is one of the best scenes you’ll see in this millennium, and perfectly sets the tone.  Once the movie goes into full-on body horror mode, it doesn’t look back.  The finale contains one of the most amazingly sustained scenes of concentrated cinematic insanity I’ve ever seen.  During this scene, I thought of Society, Basket Case, Carrie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Elephant Man, and Leviathan.  During this scene, you may find yourself disgusted.  You may laugh.  You may recoil in horror.  All are acceptable responses. 

The performances are stellar. Moore is a revelation.  She has never been better.  She brings so much pain to the role.  It’s a brave performance.  One of the all-time greats.  Margaret Qualley naturally is her match as Sue, the entitled, sexy, younger version of Elisabeth.  She radiates sexuality but keeps her unfathomable rage bubbling just under the surface.  (Oh, and speaking as a connoisseur of celebrity workout videos, I would totally buy the full season's worth of her “Pump it Up” exercise program.)  Then there’s Dennis Quaid as Harvey.  He’s a force of nature.  He almost resembles a Looney Tunes version of Vince McMahon. 

This is the kind of movie I love.  It’s equal parts arthouse and grindhouse.  Even though it’s drawing inspiration from several sources, it still feels totally fresh.  It also contains the best use of a chicken leg since Killer Joe.  It’s already won awards at the Cannes Film Festival and yet, something tells me it could win a Fangoria Chainsaw Award just as easily. It’s that kind of picture.  The best one of the year.  Possibly, ever.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of Lucio Fulci’s most atmospheric films. It doesn’t have his trademark balls-out gory set pieces and moves at a deliberate pace, but stay with it, because it has an electrifying final reel.

A family moves into the titular house that was once owned by the wonderfully named Dr. Freudstein. Little do they know that Freudstein is a maggot faced zombie who is dwelling in their basement and needs to kill people to stay alive. The ghost of Freudstein’s daughter befriends the little towheaded Bob (A Blade in the Dark’s Giovanni Frezza) and tries to warn him that her daddy is a nutjob. Bob tries to tell his parents about Freudstein, but since Bob is whiny and badly dubbed, nobody listens.

There’s a knife through the mouth, a bat attack, a sword in the neck, a decapitation, and some throat ripping for the gorehounds; and some brief nudity for the pervs. Co-starring Catriona (The Gates of Hell) MacColl and Dagmar (Werewolf Woman) Lassander.

Memo to prospective homeowners: If the house you are looking at has the tombstone of its former tenant in the middle of the hallway, DON’T BUY THE FUCKING HOUSE!

QUICK THOUGHTS:

The House by the Cemetery remains a solid second tier Lucio Fulci flick.  Like The Gates of Hell, it suffers from some lulls in between the good stuff, but when Fulci cooks, he whips up a smorgasbord.  But the thing that makes the film so memorable is BOB!  Try to keep track of how many times someone says “Bob”.  Warning:  Don’t make a drinking game of it.  I can’t have your death from alcohol poisoning on my conscience. 

4K UHD NOTES:

It’s important to mention that Blue Underground’s edition is mastered in Dolby Vision.  My 4K player and TV can only support HDR+, and it still looked phenomenal to me.  The blacks (especially in the basement scenes) are spectacular, and the picture looks sharp throughout.  It looks particularly great whenever the camera is in motion, as it often feels like you’re in the thick of the action.  Oh, and you get BOB in 4K!   What more can you ask for?

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TORTURED FEMALES (1965) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Tortured Females begins with a long title scene that goes on and on about the white slave racket and how more girls should heed the lesson of Little Red Riding Hood!  We then follow the story of Helen (Denine Dubois), a young woman who narrowly escaped the clutches of white slavery, who recounts her story to a sheriff.  Seems she went to visit her aunt in the country when she ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere.  She was then picked up by a creep who raped her and took her back to “the ranch house” where white slavers were about to turn over a shipment of girls to “Mr. Big”.  As you probably already guessed, they try to add poor Helen to the inventory. 

You know you’re in for something special from the moment you see the great hand drawn title card.  Like The Beast of Yucca Flats, it’s all narration and no synch sound.  What dialogue we do get is poorly dubbed.  I love bargain bin shit like this.

Not that you need things like “titles”, “sound”, or “a budget” when most of the movie consists of long scenes of women getting undressed, showering, and getting dressed again.  There’s also some skinny-dipping in a creek, nude girls chained to the wall, random stripteases, and women being whipped.  That’s not to mention the odd scene where Dubois (who is quite good, all things considered, as she has the uncanny ability to get naked at the drop of a hat) dances with an oversized stuffed animal.  (She even kisses it goodbye!)

The best part though is the hunchback who acts as the girls’ “keeper”.  Not only does he look like something out of a Frankenstein movie; his voice was dubbed by a monkey!  Folks, I’ve seen some weird shit in my time, and this is the kind of weird shit I like to see. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MR. MARI’S GIRLS (1967) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Mr. Mari is a suave bastard who sits in his swanky New York apartment and preys upon girls in trouble.  Have a gambling debt?  Mr. Mari will erase it.  Are you a junkie in need of a fix?  Mr. Mari has the horse you need.  Need some quick dough for a back-alley abortion?  Call on Mr. Mari!  Do you need a priest so you can marry your lesbian lover?  Mr. Mari’s your man!

This paste-up low budget sexploitation flick is comprised of a series of loosely related vignettes.  Even though the segments are wildly different, things often feel repetitive due to the structure.  It features lots of echo-y narration, dream scenes, and flashbacks inside of flashbacks.  None of this really ever comes together to make a cohesive whole (the segment about a girl trying to escape the clutches of some low rent hoods feels like it came out of an entirely different movie), but fortunately, since the running time is only an hour long, it zips by at a reasonable rate. 

There's a decent amount of skin here too, which I guess is all that really matters.  There’s sex, nude photo shoots, showers, junkie chicks stripping, gratuitous disrobing scenes, nude painting, and naked telephone conversations.  Best of all is the clothes-ripping battle royale cat fight amongst all the girls Mr. Mari has “helped” that serves as our climax.  Overall, there’s just about enough naughty bits to keep you interested, but not quite enough to make it a winner. 

There was no cast listing for this one, but I did recognize Doris Wishman regular Sam Stewart as a sketchy bookie.  Sadly, I’m not sure who the actress was that played the pregnant teen.  All I know is that she had one of the biggest butts I’ve ever seen in a ‘60s sexploitation movie.  So, if you’re a tush man, feel free to add an extra Half-Star to the rating. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TWO GIRLS FOR A MADMAN (1968) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Toni (Arlene Farber from Teenage Mother) and Sonya (Jean Weston) are friends who dance together in a ballet company in New York.  Toni catches the eye of Frank (Lucky Kargo), a cackling psycho sex fiend at a swingers’ party.  He then follows her and her date to their car where he rapes her at gunpoint.  Eventually, Frank begins stalking both girls and before long, he attacks Sonya while she’s practicing her ballet. 

Two Girls for a Madman is a surprisingly effective roughie that is hallmarked by some cool music and professional looking camerawork.  It looks like one of those rare instances where the director (in this case, Stanely H. Brassloff) and everyone else involved set out to make a “real” movie under the guise of a sex flick.  Sure, you get your share of skin, but there’s some (not much granted) interesting stuff going on here.  The ending feels like something you’d see out of Antonioni.  While there is a decent story being told and a considerable amount of craftsmanship on display, there are still plenty of pauses during the drama that are tailor made for some gratuitous T & A (like the locker room scenes at the ballet school). 

The characters and performances are also much better than you might expect.  The leading ladies’ roles are a lot more fleshed out than was the norm for a ‘60s roughie.  Farber is quite good as the sexed up-ballerina (more movies should contain those) and Weston (who only appeared in two films) fares well as the more conservative of the pair.  Kargo is also memorable as the wild-eyed psychopath and is appropriately menacing during the lengthy car ride sequence.  The dialogue is often priceless too.  My favorite line came courtesy of the girls’ strict ballet instructor who says Toni is a “technically hideous” dancer. 

Brassloff later went on to direct Toys are Not for Children.

THE DEADLY ORGAN (1967) ***

The first thing you should know right off the bat is that the organ the title refers to is that of the musical instrument variety.  So, if you thought this was going to be about a giant killer schlong or something, you can forget about it. 

A guy in a creepy mask controls women by doping them up with heroin then using eerie music to make them do his bidding.  When people start turning up dead with giant hypodermic needles plunged into their chests, a suave detective is called in to investigate.  The killer then narrows down the suspect list when he starts bumping off the people the detective has questioned. 

It’s not every day you get to see an Argentinian sexploitation horror flick, and as far as these things go, The Deadly Organ is a good one.  The killer’s mask looks cool, and the music is great too as it features lots of go-go and surf rock stuff.  The film is very atmospheric as well as some scenes resemble film noir, others look like something out of a Universal horror movie (especially Phantom of the Opera), while whole stretches are seemingly inspired by German expressionism.  There’s also a surprising amount of skin, even if most of it comes in the form of fleeting glimpses.  (The sexy striptease scene is particularly steamy.)

The downside to all this is the second act definitely lacks the punch of the first.  Once the detective shows up, the whole movie downshifts.  There are also way too many side characters that act as red herrings.  At least they eventually get killed off, which adds to the overall body count.  Luckily, once the killer reappears in the last twenty minutes, the film starts cooking again.  Sure, it’s not perfect, but whenever the killer is front and center and stabbing people with hypodermic needles, The Deadly Organ is perfectly in tune. 

AKA:  Feast of Flesh.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD (1953) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

One of the premiere striptease artists of the era, Tempest Storm (who has two great nicknames:  “The 4D Girl” and “The Girl with the Fabulous Front") toplines this otherwise lukewarm Burlesque film. 

The first act is an unfunny comedy calypso song.  Sexy blonde Mae (The A-B-C’s of Love) Blondell does a saucy little striptease before a comedy duo shows us the art of picking up women.  Blonde bombshell Misty Ayers really knows how to shake her caboose during her striptease.  The next sketch involves a newlywed couple getting advice on their wedding night.  Brunette Rhea Walker takes the stage afterwards and does an okay, but unmemorable strip routine.  Then it’s a sketch about a drunk lecturing a guy on the street about the evils of whisky.  Afterwards, “The Texas Sweetheart” does a striptease, a comedienne performs a comic rhumba number, and a sketch about a trio of drunks coming home to their respective wives.  Things switch over from black and white to color in the final reel as the headliner Tempest Storm takes center stage.  And boy, let me tell you!  It was certainly worth the wait! 

Storm’s number gives the film a definite boost.  She has all her assets on display and shows why she was among the best in the world.  The addition of color for her routine is a nice touch too. 

While this isn’t one of the best Burlesque movies I’ve watched this week, I am glad that someone had the foresight to grab a camera to capture the art form just as it was dying out (especially Storm’s number in full color).  Sure, I realize the filmmakers were just trying to make a buck and weren’t exactly cultural historians.  At least these acts have been preserved for the next generation of appreciators of old-timey smut like me. 

Jean Carroll, who plays one of the comediennes, was also in Ron Ormond’s Burlesque movie, Varieties on Parade. 

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE (2024) ***

It took them thirty-six years to come up with a sequel to Beetlejuice.  After decades of false starts, Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, and the gang have finally reunited (along with producer Brad Pitt!) with decidedly uneven (but mostly enjoyable) results. 

After the death of her father, Lydia (Winona Ryder) returns home for the funeral with her daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega) and boyfriend Rory (Justin Theroux) in tow.  Meanwhile, Beetlejuice (Keaton) is busy ducking his evil ex-wife (Monica Bellucci) who wants to suck his soul.  When Astrid gets stuck in the afterlife, Lydia grudgingly turns to Beetlejuice for help. 

Burton’s M.O. for this movie seems to have been “Turn on the juice and see what shakes loose”.  There are way too many characters, subplots (there’s enough plot here for three movies), and random asides.  It also suffers from some abrupt changes in tone (especially the stuff with Astrid’s boyfriend).  Then again, the original wasn’t exactly a model of coherence. 

The film is at its weakest when it’s making callbacks to the original.  (The “Day-O” inspired scene featuring “MacArthur Park” comes to mind.)  However, the random bits of sheer lunacy have Tim Burton’s fingerprints all over them.  I mean, how many thirty-six years later sequels have a scene inspired by Mario Bava (in Italian no less!), a stop-motion cartoon, and a tribute to It’s Alive?  Because of that, it’s kind of hard to be too picky.

Keaton easily slips back into the iconic role and sure enough, the striped suit still fits him like a glove.  Ortega is fine, and Ryder is pretty good too, but it’s Justin Theroux who steals the movie as her New Agey boyfriend.  Willem Dafoe gets some laughs too as an afterlife cop.  Bellucci looks amazing as Beetlejuice’s stapled together bride, but unfortunately there are long stretches of the movie where the plot kind of forgets about her.  

The funniest running gag though has got to be the extreme lengths they go through to include Jeffery Jones’ character from the original without actually including him. 

SPEAK NO EVIL (2024) ****

Speak No Evil is a horror film of manners.  It’s rare that a movie works on this sort of level.  We are not dealing with a killer in a hockey mask.  This isn’t about a monster on the loose.  It’s about people who don’t pick up on social cues.  It’s about people who are borderline obnoxious, but they are still kind of funny and just fun enough to be around.  So much so that when they invite you to stay at their beautiful home in the country, you agree.  You hesitate at first, but you know, that house looks pretty cool.  And once you get there, it’s fun for a day or so.  You try to ignore their occasional crude comments or awkward conversations because, hey, you know… they make great homemade cider.  When things start getting uncomfortable, you try to be nice and grin and bear it.  Force a smile or two.  You want to go, but there’s this great restaurant they want to take you to.  So, out of obligation, you go, and the dinner is freaking great.  Still, they still act a little odd.  Maybe we can leave first thing in the morning, then?

Have you ever tried to make an exit from a party, but your host keeps the conversation going far past its expiration date?  Even after you’ve said “that’s crazy” four times, he keeps you there locked in conversation.  Manners dictate you should oblige him and keep talking, even when your gut instinct is to run, civility reigns and you acquiesce. 

That’s how the tension mounts in Speak No Evil.  It shows us that the line between a perfect host and a perfect nightmare is very thin. 

Speak No Evil is kind of like those ‘90s “From Hell” thrillers like Single White Female.  If that was about the Roommate from Hell, this is the Weekend Hosts from Hell. 

I mean we’ve all been guests for the weekend at someone’s house.  We’ve also entertained guests in our home too.  What’s so deft about the film is that it would’ve been so easy to make the crazy family the guests.  Then, it would’ve just been a tweak on the home invasion genre.  The clever twist here is that the loonies are the hosts.  There are several instances where our poor family could pack up and run, but… Honey, that would be rude!  They just cooked a nice meal.  Babe, you can’t complain the sheets are stained with a mystery substance because that would make them feel bad. 

I’m not trying to spoil the plot specifics of the film.  I’m just trying to evoke the feeling of watching it.  It really kicks into gear when the nice family realizes their hosts are crazy and try to make an exit WHILE STILL BEING POLITE AND CIVIL.  It’s like a horror movie version of an Irish Goodbye.  And when that mask of civility breaks… oh, boy… all bets are off. 

Scoot McNairy and Mackenzie Davis are great as the nice couple, but it’s James McAvoy who takes the acting honors as the demented host.  He has moments here that will remind you of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.  Yes, I said it.  He’s that freaking good.  He sets the kettle to boil early on and we the whistle blows… look out. 

There are also some brilliant needle drops in this.  You’ll never listen to “Cotton Eye Joe” the same way again.   Or The Bangles’ “Eternal Flame”. 

I didn’t realize director James Watkins was also responsible for Eden Lake.  That totally jibes.  This guy knows how to get under your skin.  And then some. 

In short, you’re gonna be talking about Speak No Evil for years to come. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE A-B-C’S OF LOVE (1953) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Things kick off with a song introducing the dancing girls by assigning each of them a letter of the alphabet.  The first strip solo is by an energetic jiggly blonde.  Some lucky projectionist must’ve taken scissors to the reel and added it to his personal collection since a good chunk of the number is missing.  After that is a comedy skit about a businesswoman trying to get rid of pushy salesmen.  Then Bebe, a bubbly brunette, does a lively striptease number.  That leads into a comedy song about a maid, and a sketch about a drunk trying to sell some hats.  Then, a blonde named Jill does a tapdancing routine and a duo does a bit about a bet gone awry.  That’s followed by a comedy dance routine of a woman impersonating a flapper and a sketch about an arguing married couple.  Next is a striptease performed by the wonderfully named “Blaza Glory”.  After that we get a comedy routine about how to kill your wife with kindness and a brief can-can number.  Finally, the headliner Gilda performs a briskly paced striptease. 

After sitting through a bunch of Burlesque movies this week, I have to say that this one is frankly kind of ho-hum.  The comedy sketches in between the strip routines are longwinded and get pretty tiresome after a while, and the non-strip scenes don’t really add much to the overall experience.  At least the strippers have a lot of energy.  Bebe is really animated and takes to her routine with gusto.  Blaza Glory is aptly named as she is quite hot and is gloriously jiggly.  Despite an occasional bright spot here and there, there’s ultimately too much filler that gets in the way of the good stuff.  

The A-B-C’s of Love is at least notable for having former Little Rascals star Shirley Jean Rickert (using her stage name “Gilda”) appearing at the end.  Fortunately for the audience, she really knows how to shake her Little Rascals.  Ultimately, that’s not quite enough to make it all worthwhile. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: “B” GIRL RHAPSODY (1952) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

The opening title card (which misspells “comedians” as “commedians”) invites us to the front row of the New Follies Theatre in Los Angeles for a Burlesque show.  The chorus girls (affectionately known as “The Nudy Cuties”) come out on stage in bathing suits armed with beach balls and do a synchronized dance routine that resembles a Busby Berkeley version of a low budget beach movie.  Then we get a sketch about two yutzes trying to join a nudist camp.  Next up, a dancer named Frenchy does a suggestive jitterbug routine, followed by a blonde bombshell named Nona who strips out of some elegant formal wear, and a sketch about a guy telling the story of how his parents met.  (The print gets awfully jumpy during this scene.)  “The South American Cyclone” Chilli Pepper follows that up with a Carmen Miranda inspired striptease.  Afterwards is a comedy routine about a cowboy trick shot artist.  Ginger, “The Atomic Blonde” takes the stage next and performs a sultry routine that begins with her wearing a spangly black dress until she gets down to a pair of bejeweled pasties.  That’s followed by a chorus line routine accompanied by a songstress doing a so-so number.  Then, blonde Crystal Starr (who was also in French Follies) does a nice little strip where she starts slow and steady and gradually incorporates more grinding and jiggling as she goes on.  Next is a sketch about Russian soldiers taking over a home during wartime.  Finally, the star of the show, Lily performs “The Dance of the B Girl”. 

Directed by Lillian (Everybody’s Girl) Hunt and shot by Ed Wood’s regular cinematographer William C. Thompson, “B” Girl Rhapsody is a better than average Burlesque flick.  The dance numbers are unique, and the stripteases have a lot of energy.  Chilli Pepper’s dance is appropriately spicy.  Once she takes off her bananas, she shows that she can really shake her melons.  Ginger’s routine is quite lively too as she shakes everything her mother gave her and then some.  Lily’s number is a real doozie as well.  She bumps and grinds all over a saloon set as she smokes and drinks and writhes around on top of a piano.  She may be a “B” Girl, but I give her act an “A”. 

The comedy sequences are surprisingly solid and feature some mildly risqué material, although it is strictly PG-13 stuff by today’s standards.  (The Russian solider is named “Sonavitch”.)  All in all, this is one of the best Burlesque films I’ve ever seen. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FRENCH FOLLIES (1951) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

This surprisingly fun Burlesque act movie begins with a musical number that introduces all the ladies in the cast.  Mary Andes from Everybody’s Girl then takes the stage doing a Spanish inspired striptease with castanets.  Then, there’s a comedy bit about a doctor whose latest invention transfers his patients’ ailments to a “dummy”.  After that, we are treated to a striptease by the curvy Jennie Lee, followed by a sketch about two guys who take two hot girls out for dinner and can’t pay the check.  Then, a cute blonde does a hip-shaking strip number followed by more comedy, this one about a guy trying to make time with his girlfriend under her grandpa’s nose.  Next, a brunette does a short strip number before another comedy bit about a doctor running a nuthouse. Afterwards, there’s a song called “Pucker Up” featuring the ladies in the cast coming onstage and looking on as a brunette performs a striptease.  Then there’s a comedy sketch about a drunk that buys whisky from a pretty blonde.  Finally, the headliner, Val de Val (who has a great nickname, “The H-Bomb of Burlesque”) closes the show. 

I don’t know if Val de Val really lives up to her nickname, but she's sure fun to watch.  Her performance starts slow, and eventually builds with her jiggling and wiggling.  For me, Jennie Lee was the real star of the show.  She does a great tassel twirling routine and ends her act with a lot of cartwheels.  The print unfortunately gets very jumpy near the end of her performance, which can mean one of two things:  Some lucky protectionist made a couple of snips for his own collection, or the censors had to cut some bits since her pubic hair is visibly creeping up above her undies as her act goes on.  Either way, the footage that remains in the flick is hot enough to keep your pulse racing. 

Another plus is that the comedy sketches don’t wear out their welcome as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  I can’t say they were laugh-out-loud funny or anything, but at least they had a beginning, middle, and end.  It all adds up to a briskly paced and entertaining Burlesque revue film. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EVERYBODY’S GIRL (1950) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Here’s another filmed burlesque movie from director Lillian (Too Hot to Handle) Hunt.  Things kick off with the chorus girls performing a high energy matador inspired number.  The first featured dancer performs a striptease dressed as a harem girl.  Then, we get a comedy skit about a guy who sees invisible people before a cute blonde (who really knows how to move her hips) takes the stage for a striptease in a sheer white number.  That’s followed by another chorus line number, a brunette acrobatic routine, and a sexy blonde in a black sequin get-up.  The next comedy skit is about a social reformer trying to discourage men from checking out a nudist camp.  Then, “The Blonde Bombshell” Charmaine bares her bosom for a saucy little dance.  That’s followed by a gal in a harem girl outfit performing a dance routine (with a brief belly dancing interlude) and a slinky brunette doing a striptease out of a classy evening gown.  Next up is a comedy skit about a teacher dealing with a class clown.  Afterwards, “The Sex Atomic Sweetheart” Sylvia does a high energy strip number.  Another comedy sketch about ethnic girls selling dishes from their homeland follows.  The headliner, Gay Dawn closes the show with a routine that starts off balletic and classy and ends with her standing on her head and shaking her ass upside down.  I don’t know about you, but I consider that a solid way to end the movie. 

Everybody’s Girl is a shade or two better than your average filmed Burlesque flick.  It also shows a little bit more skin than some of the other Burlesque revue movies I’ve been watching lately.  Although quite honestly, it’s all harmless and tame and wouldn’t rate higher than an R (or maybe a generous PG-13).  Heck, even the comedy sequences aren’t too shabby in this one, which makes the whole thing go down smoother.  The invisible sketch is moderately clever (even if it goes on too long) and the nudist segment has a couple of amusing bits. 

AKA:  Hollywood Peep Show.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MIDNIGHT FROLICS (1949) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Before the film begins, we get a title card assuring us that this is producer Dan Sonney’s attempt to recreate “the bygone era” of Burlesque.  The art form was already prehistoric at the time of release, but there are a few moments sprinkled throughout that prove there were still some fleeting signs of life in the old gal. 

First up is a trio of ladies who perform a Spanish themed song called “Maracas from Caracas”.  Then, a brunette does an energetic striptease before some comedians put on an unfunny sketch about a dimwitted ice cream salesman.  That’s followed by a gymnastics act where the performer does a lot of cartwheels, backflips, and contortionist maneuvers.  Then, the sexy Aleene does a hot number slowly stripping out of her slinky black evening gown.  More lame comedy follows with a skit about a cop harassing a couple of street musicians.  Next is a musical number, the chorus line doing some fan dancing, and a ballroom dancing duo.  Then (sigh) some more comedy with a guy with a Chico Marx accent trying to teach his pal how to play the violin.  Things perk up once again though when a bubbly blonde named Ginger does a high energy striptease.  She does this great bit where she stands on her head and shakes her ass.  Then, the chorus line returns to perform a gypsy inspired routine.  Finally, the headliner Sunny Knight performs a classy striptease number. 

While there are some real dull spots here (I’m speaking directly about the comedy bits), Midnight Frolics is a sporadically entertaining hodgepodge.  In fact, it’s worth sitting through the lame sequences just to see Aleene.  She’s quite memorable with her gothy appearance and devilish demeanor.  I know this was made seventy-five years ago, but if I was alive back then, and OnlyFans was a thing, I would definitely be one of her subscribers.  Heck, if Aleene had an OnlyFans now, I’d probably be a member! 

AKA:  Midnite Follies.

GIGANTIC HEROINE: ASTRO VENUS (2016) **

After watching Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman, I was curious to check out another Sci-Fi Tokusatsu porno from Giga Co. Ltd.  Unfortunately, Gigantic Heroine:  Astro Venus isn’t nearly as crazy, interesting, fun, or sexy as that classic. 

After a lady cop is killed in the line of duty, a light comes down from the skies and resurrects her.    When monsters attack the city, a giant super heroine tries to fend them off.  Meanwhile, her boss tries to force himself on her and after he gets his rocks off, there’s another monster attack.  Astro Venus successfully prevents the giant lizard from destroying the city but is powerless when a giant astro man wants to bang her in the middle of the city.  (At least I think that’s what happened.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles.)

As with Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman, the monster battles are surprisingly well done.  The model cities are excellent and if you didn’t know any better, you’d assume the rubber monster suits came out of a legit Ultraman show.  Because of that, the monster mashing is easily the best thing in the movie as the XXX sequences are of surprisingly low quality. 

The fetishes this time around seem to involve electrocuting an Ultraman style heroine and being sexually assaulted by your boss.  Sadly, the scene where the heroine’s superior forces himself on her goes on far too long (it pretty much takes up the entire second act) and isn’t very erotic to boot.  The big finale where the two giant superheroes bone starts off promising, but it winds up being anticlimactic (in more ways than one) as the film just sort of ends mid-scene, which is a big disappointment. 

Despite this one being a dud, it probably won’t stop me from checking out more Giga Co. Ltd. movies somewhere down the road.  I just hope the next one features more pseudo-Ultraman boning. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HELP WANTED FEMALE (1968) *** ½

Directed by the great John (Grave of the Vampire) Hayes, Help Wanted Female is one of the nuttiest sexploitation films I’ve seen in years.  In the fun opening sequence, a seemingly milquetoast woman picks up a guy and balls him.  When he catches her trying to pinch his wallet, she karate chops the crap out of him and steals his briefcase. 

Another hooker goes on a date with a high roller client who takes LSD.  (“You won’t go ape on me, will you daddy?”)  He then tells her a flashback how his old girlfriend, desperate for kicks, asked him to cut her.  They then decide to up the ante by picking up a young hitchhiker who they invite back to their pad.  There, they have her pose for nude photos before stabbing her to death. 

To tell anymore would be doing the potential viewer a disservice.  Suffice to say, you won’t know where this crazy ass flick is going next.  Sure, the narrative is a little on the messy side, but that kind of works in the movie’s favor since you’re never quite sure what it has up its sleeve next.  The last twenty minutes are a fever dream of WTF zaniness.  Plus, some of the musical choices are about as unhinged as the characters’ actions. 

Not only is the cast stacked with immensely appealing ladies, they also have some considerable screen presence.  You may be as busy paying attention to them as you are to the increasingly ludicrous plot.  Sexy Dianne Michaels takes the acting honors as the kick-happy Barbara whose amoral antics are fun to watch.  Inga Olsen is also engaging as the go-go dancing Luana.  Joy Khal also makes a memorable impression as the ill-fated hitchhiker.  It’s Lucki Winn who will endear herself to you most as the karate-chopping sexpot Jo Jo.  Despite the title, these females don’t NEED any help! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AROUSED (1966) ****

FORMAT:  DVD

Aroused is an outstanding sexploitation roughie that plays like a precursor to the giallo and slasher genres.  There’s a “sex killer” on the loose that gets his kicks from murdering prostitutes.  When a hooker named Ginny (Janine Lenon) finds her lover has been killed by the creep, she vows to castrate him.  Johnny (Steve Hollister) is a determined cop on the case and together, he makes an uneasy alliance with Ginny to bring down the killer. 

Seedy and atmospheric, this one packs a real wallop.  The opening scene is particularly effective as the killer sneaks up on his victim in the shower before strangling her.  The constant freeze frames accompanied by the sounds of his various childhood traumas on the soundtrack is downright hair raising. 

Aroused isn’t your typical sexploitation flick.  There’s a surprising amount of artistry here that few genre films can muster.  The camerawork is efficient, and often maximizes the frame and fills it in interesting and compelling ways.  The jazzy score is freaking amazing too, and coupled with the extremely moody lighting, adds to the overall sense of atmosphere.

The film is packed with several memorable scenes, like when our heroine stumbles into the killer’s abode and finds a bunch of decapitated mannequin heads strewn about.  (I wonder if Bill Lustig watched this before he made Maniac.)  There’s even a suspenseful cat and mouse scene in an elevator that would put some big budget Hollywood thrillers to shame.  The ending is unforgettable too. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Lenon’s only role.  She’s excellent in this and it’s a shame she didn’t appear in more films.  Director Anton Holden only made a handful of movies (including Teenage Tramp) before working in the sound department on several prestigious TV movies like The Tuskegee Airmen and Buffalo Girls.  Exploitation’s loss is TV’s gain, I guess. 

In short, Aroused is a certified classic ripe for discovery.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RENT-A-GIRL (1965) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Rent-a-Girl kicks off with a great opening credits sequence and an even better theme song.  (You’re guaranteed to have it stuck in your head days after you watch it.)  The beginning is almost set up like an old scare picture from the ‘30s, as a frightened Karen (Barbara Wood) recounts her sordid past to an authority figure.  We then flashback to learn how she got into this whole mess.  Seems she moved into an apartment and tried to fit in with the swinging “art” scene of her neighbors.  It doesn’t take long before she begins posing nude for them.  Turns out, the couple are really pimps whose girls specialize in “maid services” and being nude models for seedy artists and sleazy photographers.  Naturally, when Karen’s fiancé finds out she’s been posing for smutty pictures, he calls off the wedding.  Karen quickly spirals from there and eventually, her neighbors trick her into joining their secret BDSM society. 

This wild and fun New York roughie (from Cambist Films, who would later go legitimate by releasing such favorites as Vampyres and The Crazies) features a little something for everybody.  There’s whipping, body painting, hosing, and spanking.  The highlight is the wonderful party scene that culminates with a game of “strip pool”.  It’s also full of cool camerawork, interesting lighting, and some great music.  

Sure, a few of the actresses are less than photogenic.  (Although softcore beauties like Gigi Darlene and Darlene Bennett make brief appearances.)  However, their willingness to disrobe more than makes up for it.  Some of the acting is bad too (actors flub their lines and/or are obviously reading from cue cards), but hey, with this much smut to go around, I’m sure you won’t even notice and/or care. 

Director William L. Rose went on to direct The Girl in Room 2A and the legendary (and sadly, lost) exploitation flick, The Smut Peddler. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TOO HOT TO HANDLE (1950) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Too Hot to Handle is essentially an hour-long filmed burlesque act.  Things kick off with a lounge singer performing the title song while he’s surrounded by dancing blondes.  Then, a Latina does a Spanish style striptease followed by a comedian who does the old “7 x 13 = 28” routine that Abbott and Costello used to do.  That’s followed by a bubbly blonde named Melodee Lane stripping and another so-so comedy sequence.  Next, a woman performs a song called “Hot Nuts” before doing a striptease.  Afterwards, we get another unfunny comic act followed by another striptease by the energetic Melodee, this time on a producer’s casting couch.  Things continue with more (sigh) comedy acts before the showstopping PatIy Waggin performs a long “Parisian” number. 

All this works better as a filmed historical record of a bygone era of entertainment than… actual entertainment.  I don’t even think the film lived up to its title back in the ‘50s as it offers more tease than please.  Even as far as burlesque movies go, this one doesn’t quite cut the mustard.  The stripping scenes are about par for the course (although Melodee Lane is rather fun to watch), but many of the comedy routines (other than the math segment) aren’t funny and go on too long.  Still, the mercifully brief hour-long running time is appreciated. 

While neither A Virgin in Hollywood nor Too Hot to Handle are classics by any means, Something Weird’s “Best of Burlesque” two-disc set is still well worth owning.  Any fan of old school smut will enjoy this head-spinning collection featuring hours of old striptease reels (some of which are in 3-D), burlesque acts, and trailers.  This is one case where a collection is more than a sum of its parts as the films themselves are easily outshone by the extras.  It all shows once again why Something Weird is the best in the business. 

AKA:  Fig Leaf Frolics.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A VIRGIN IN HOLLYWOOD (1953) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A small-town reporter is given the plum assignment of going to Hollywood and doing a sordid tell-all on the seamy side of show biz.  Trouble is, she’s a homely virgin who’s unacquainted with sin.  Luckily for her, the first day on the job she stumbles upon a cheesecake photo shoot in the Hollywood Hills.  Later, she gets invited to a burlesque show.

Smack dab in the middle of this relatively tame and honestly rather dull flick, there are two five-minute 3-D interludes to spice up the proceedings.  This first is called “Dance of the Blonde Slave’s Revenge”.   A slave girl is unchained by her captor who makes her do a Bobby and Cissie routine.  She eventually stabs him in the back and escapes.  This sequence is mild and brief, but it does have a bottle and a pair of arms coming out at the audience. 

Next up is “Madonna and Her Bubbles”.  In this segment, a dancer blows bubbles out into the audience before doing an energetic dance routine.  The only 3-D effects are bubbles and arms stretching out into the audience, but this sequence is fun, mostly because of the dancer’s energy.  Then it’s back to the “main” plot. 

Our intrepid reporter next goes undercover as a cheesecake model before going on a series of bad blind dates.  There’s even a scene where she encounters a drag performer.  It all ends with her getting a job as a lingerie model and getting into a cat fight with another jealous model.  Luckily, her editor swoops in at the last minute to take her away from all this tawdriness. 

A Virgin in Hollywood may have been downright scandalous at the time of its original release, but watching it now, it all seems quaint and a tad boring.  Thankfully, the incongruous 3-D scenes, which are honestly nothing to write home about, make the whole experience at the very least memorable. 

The reporter gets the best line of the movie when she asks her gal pal, “Did you ever feel as though you swallowed an electric vibrator?”

AKA:  The Side Streets of Hollywood.  AKA:  Should a Girl Say Yes?

SUPERARGO AND THE FACELESS GIANTS (1971) ***

A mad scientist (Guy Madison) is kidnapping the world’s greatest athletes and turning them into mind-controlled automatons who do his bidding.  Secret agent Superargo (once again played by Giovanni Cianfriglia) is put on the case and returns to the wrestling ring to set a trap for the so-called “Faceless Giants”.  (It’s at this point of the review that I should note that the Faceless Giants all have faces and aren’t all that giant, but never mind.)  Superargo eventually convinces the deadly doctor’s hot assistant (Diana Lorys) to switch sides to help him defeat the mechanical monsters once and for all. 

I had a lot of fun with Superargo Against Diabolicus, so I decided to immediately run out and watch this goofy sequel.  Turns out, it’s even better.  Like the first flick, it feels like an Italian version of an El Santo movie.  This time out, there’s a heavier concentration of Sci-Fi silliness, which makes it enormously entertaining.  The Faceless Giants look like dudes in dime store robot costumes with coffee urns on their head and pantyhose over their faces.  I also liked that Superargo now trains with an Indian mystic and has mastered the art of levitation, telepathy, and blowing stuff up with his mind (although it never comes in handy, go figure).  Plus, there’s even more wrestling here than in the original, which is a bonus.  The groovy jazzy score also kicks a lot of ass. 

As with Superargo Against Diabolicus, the film has a tendency to drag whenever it becomes a little plot heavy.  The second act in particular is rather patchy, and the finale lacks the sustained silliness of the early going.  That’s really me just nitpicking.  Ultimately, whenever Superargo is punching the daylights out of goofy looking robot men, it’s damn good times. 

AKA:  The Invincible Superman.  AKA:  Superargo the Giant.  AKA:  The King of Criminals.  AKA:  Superargo.

SUPERARGO AGAINST DIABOLICUS (1968) ***

If you ever wondered what an Italian version of a Mexican wrestling movie would look like, then you should check this out.  Believe it or not, it almost lives up to that description.  Almost.

Masked wrestling champion Superargo (Giovanni Cianfriglia) falls into a deep depression after accidentally killing an opponent in the ring.  His good pal is the head of the Secret Service, and he knows if anything can snap Superargo out of a funk, it’s saving the world from a dastardly villain.  In this case, it’s the evil Diabolicus (Gerard Tichy) who has found the “philosopher’s stone” that can change base metals into gold.  His plan is one of those Goldfinger numbers where he’s going to fuck up the price of gold in the world market.  It’s then up to Superargo to get his shit together and stop him. 

Like the El Santo movies, there are touches of the James Bond films here, although they are much more overt.  (Superargo gets a sports car filled with gadgets.)  As with even the legit Bond movies, things bog down during the longish underwater scenes, but not so much that it derails the fun. 

Besides, there is plenty of silliness here for any dyed in the wool fan of B movie cinema to enjoy.  The scenes of Superargo showing off his strength in a lab feel like a precursor to the Six Million Dollar Man.  The stuff with masked wrestlers kicking the crap out of and/or ruthlessly gunning down hapless henchmen are a lot of fun too, and the trippy opening credits sequence is memorable.

Superargo’s boss gets the best line when he warns our hero about one of his gadgets,” Don’t eat it!  That olive cost a thousand dollars!”

Followed by Superargo and the Faceless Giants. 

AKA: Superargo vs. Diabolicus.  AKA:  Superargo Against Dr. Diabolo.  AKA:  Superargo.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HOWL OF THE DEVIL (1988) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Right up front, we get a note from writer/director/star Paul Naschy stating that this is intended as an homage to the classic Universal movies of the ‘30s and ‘40s.  Unlike Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi, Naschy gets to bang hot naked chicks. 

Naschy stars in a dual role, which adds to the fun.  He’s Hector, a rich, reclusive actor who has his chauffeur (Howard Vernon from countless Jess Franco movies) pick up sexy babes for him.  Then, he dresses up like various movie characters (Rasputin, Bluebeard, and Fu Manchu) and has his way with them.  Afterwards, as the ladies are in the middle of their walk of shame through the woods, a masked killer hacks them up. 

Naschy also plays the ghost of the actor’s twin brother, a dead movie star known for his horror roles.  He appears to his orphan son (played by Naschy’s real life son, Sergio Molina) dressed as his most iconic characters (Frankenstein, Mr. Hyde, the Phantom of the Opera, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and of course, the Wolfman) and tries to keep the boy’s spirits up.  On top of that we have Caroline Munro as Hector’s sexy servant.  I bet you’re asking yourself, what’s not to love about this movie? 

Well, some of this is a little confusing, but it kind of adds to the overall dreamlike quality of the film.  Sure, it’s disjointed, a tad overlong (the subplot with the scheming priest and his hobo sidekick threaten to drag things down), and some parts are way more effective than others.  However, Naschy is clearly having a ball playing multiple roles and dressing up in various monster get-ups, and that level of fun rubs off on the audience.  The copious nudity certainly helps too, and the gore is solid as well.  (There’s a shocking pre-title kill scene, pliers to the nipple, and a sweet bathtub murder.)  The ending is straight-up bonkers too.  

What are you waiting for?  Why are you still reading this?  Check it out!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FASCINATION (1979) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on June 9th, 2014)

A dude that looks like the lead singer for Men Without Hats swindles some gold from some unsavory characters and holes up at a seemingly uninhabited chateau. Luckily for the audience, Brigitte Lahaie and Franca Mai are lurking about the premises. After Brigitte gets it on with the Men Without Hats dude, she offs the thieves who were looking to kill him. Before long, a gaggle of hot women are hanging around the chateau looking to put the bite on him. Franca eventually starts getting attached to our dopey hero and decides to save him from the bloodthirsty babes.

Fascination is one of director Jean Rollin’s best. It’s an atmospheric and sexy horror flick filled with art and class and tits and ass. And while it’s not exactly a vampire flick, the way Rollin teases the women’s true identity and motives is a lot of fun.

There are some rough passages along the way, sure. And the flick feels a lot longer than the 81 minute running time too. But whenever the flick is working, it’s a thing of beauty.

Speaking of beauty, Brigitte Lahaie is the big reason the film works as well as it does. She is simply breathtaking in this flick and is enchanting as the sexy seductress. Fewer women in motion picture history have looked hotter wielding a scythe while wearing nothing more than a cape than Lahaie. Seriously, if that is what Death looks like, I’ll gladly meet the reaper.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: JAWS (1975) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on May 20th, 2015)

Jaws has always been one of my favorite movies as far back as I can remember. Sadly, I wasn’t old enough to see it during its original theatrical run (although I did see both Jaws 3-D and Jaws the Revenge). The other night, as part of our local theater’s “Classic Movie Mondays”, I was able to finally see it on the big screen as God and Spielberg intended, and boy what a difference it makes.

Whenever I watched Jaws in the past, it was on a modestly sized television screen. Seeing the shark for the first time on the big screen is a revelation. I mean when the shark pops out of the water for the first time, you’re more or less seeing him at actual size. The opening shark attack scene was simply breathtaking on the big screen. Heck, just hearing John Williams’ iconic score coming out of those giant speakers was enough to get the goosebumps going and the hairs standing on the back of your neck.

It also helped that the film was playing to a packed house. Even though most of the people were clearly fans of the movie, they were jumping out of their seats and screaming at all the right parts. The scene where the severed leg of the hapless boater slowly floats to the bottom of the ocean had everyone hooting and hollering. When Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) uttered the immortal line, “Smile, you son of a bitch!” the audience erupted into an applause the likes I’ve never heard.

When the film is on dry land, Jaws is a terrific Killer Shark movie. Murray Hamilton is great as the asshole mayor who wants to keep the beaches open on the fourth of July, despite the fact there’s a giant shark just off the coast eating swimmers left and right. How many other Killer Animal flicks used this same stock character? Too many to count, but Hamilton essays the role expertly, and when he finally learns his lesson, we can’t help but feel a bit sorry for him.

When the action moves out to the open water, Jaws becomes something more. It becomes a mythic tale of Man vs. Nature that has no equal. Moby Dick is for pussies. The Old Man and the Sea is for wussies. Jaws is where it’s at.

As played by Robert Shaw, Quint is one of the greatest characters in all of cinema. The old crusty sea captain is distrustful of Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) because he’s rich and he uses all sorts of newfangled shark technology. However, when Quint’s seasoned, antiquated ways of shark hunting prove futile, he grudgingly turns to Hooper for help. Of course, this shark is so lethal that Hooper’s fancy equipment doesn’t last very long either, but it’s the fact that Quint looks to Hooper for help (out of desperation as well as respect) shows how his character grows throughout the film.

The centerpiece has nothing to do with the shark. It’s just Quint, Brody, and Hooper sitting around the boat, drinking, singing, and showing off their scars. This is the single greatest male bonding scene in screen history. Not to mention the fact that Quint’s speech about the USS Indianapolis is one of the most stirring monologues ever captured on film.

In the end, Quint fights the shark kicking and screaming (literally). When he dies, his loss is sorely felt. Hooper barely survives his run-in with the shark and quickly swims off for safety. It’s then up to Brody to dig down deep and man up to fight the shark.

Quint is the man of yesterday, still stuck in his old shark hunting ways. Hooper is the man of tomorrow with all of his expensive shark hunting gadgets. Brody is Mr. Right Now. He doesn’t know stern from bow. He has to take Dramamine to go onboard the boat. He is an everyman, a family man, an average Joe who is plagued with doubt and fear. However, when the chips are down, it is Brody who is the hero.

Armed with only his wits, a canister of compressed air, and a rifle, he takes on the beast as the ship slowly sinks into the sea. This scene is so rife with tension, and when he finally does take the sucker down… well… it’s just one of the most perfect moments you’ll ever experience on a movie screen. Quite simply, Jaws is one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

That original review was my reaction to seeing Jaws on the big screen.  Seeing it at home on a large flat screen TV in 4K is the next best thing.  (All that’s missing is hearing the audience’s reactions to the film’s most iconic moments.)  Other than that, it’s Jaws.  What more needs to be said?

4K UHD NOTES:

The 4k transfer of Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece is excellent.  The picture is razor sharp while still retaining the soft-focus majesty of Bill Butler’s cinematography.  The nighttime scenes are appropriately dark, yet crisp and full of detail (particularly the underwater scenes), and the daytime sequences look bright and picturesque.  In short, every self-respecting film lover with a 4K player needs this one in their collection. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BLACK REBELS (1960) **

FORMAT:  VHS

Racial gang violence is escalating on the streets.  The police’s solution is to send a half black/half Mexican cop (Mark Damon in black/brownface) and a white cop (Douglas Hume) to high school to infiltrate the gangs.  Damon starts studying Rita Moreno a little too much and her hotheaded brother, the leader of the Chicano gang takes offense.  Soon, the fuzz learns that outside forces maybe be instigating the racially motivated gang war for their own interests.  Problems arise when Rita gets pregnant. 

The set-up, which plays sort of like a forerunner to 21 Jump Street is sound, but things bog down soon after.  Originally released as This Rebel Breed, producer William Rowland added new spicy scenes and rereleased it under various titles including this one.  It’s interesting in that it makes an earnest stab to tackle sensitive subject matter in an understanding way.  However, the messaging is sort of undermined by the T & A that’s been crudely shoehorned into the narrative.  Ironically, it’s these nudie scenes that are the most memorable parts. 

The Black Rebels is flawed and sometimes dull, but it’s worth a look for the cast.  This was made just before Rita Moreno hit it big with West Side Story, and it’s obvious she was destined for better things.  Damon is a bit bland, but he does his best with what he was given.  I also enjoyed Kenny (the “Eeny Meeny Miney Mo” guy from I Was a Teenage Werewolf) Miller as a wimpy gang member.   Also be on the lookout for Dyan Cannon in an early role as a party girl appropriately named “Wiggles”.  I wonder if either actress were aware of the version with all the nudie inserts.  I’m sure they would’ve been mortified if they saw it. 

Co-director Richard L. Bare went on to make the Duo-Vision wonder, Wicked Wicked. 

AKA:  This Rebel Breed.  AKA:  Lola’s Mistake.  AKA:  Three Shades of Love.

ORDERED TO LOVE (1963) **

During WWII, German scientists perform “Lebensborn” experiments to ensure the production of “genetically superior” offspring.  They find a bunch of ready and willing Nazi babes who are all too eager to help the cause, examine them thoroughly, and then get them ready for breeding.  Naturally, the women’s enthusiasm for the project diminishes when they learn “science” will choose their partners.  Klaus (Joachim Hansen) is a Nazi soldier who is sick of the Reich’s barbarism who escapes, assumes the identity of a dead official, and winds up in the breeding clinic.  His cover is blown when the head Fraulein (Maria Perschy from The Castle of Fu Manchu) learns he’s a phony.  Fortunately for Klaus, she has the hots for him, and together, they plan to escape. 

Ordered to Love is a forerunner of the Naziploitation genre.  While the set-up is ripe with enough possibilities that it would make Ilsa herself raise an eyebrow, it was made much too early in the cycle to deliver on any of its promises.  The film almost skates by on the strength of its lurid premise alone.  Alas, it just isn’t dramatically sound enough to make for a compelling war picture.  The hero’s plight is fairly standard stuff, and the scenes of the giggling girls slowly realizing the camp isn’t going to be a love fest lacks punch.  The slapdash use of stock footage is sometimes jarring too.  It also doesn’t help that the romantic sequences are set at a soap opera level.  A Nazi soap opera, but still. 

Despite these many drawbacks, Ordered to Love remains watchable throughout.  That’s mostly because you’re hoping for some nasty Nazi action, which unfortunately never comes.  Ultimately, the quack science sequences feature a lot of babbling about genetic gobbledygook and the examination scenes only result in the sight of one Fraulein’s bare back.  On the plus side, it moves at a reasonable clip and the performances are at the very least, earnest (especially Perschy). 

AKA:  Lebensborn.  AKA:  Fountain of Life.  AKA:  Women Ordered to Love.

THE KILLER (2024) * ½

Any remake of The Killer (even one directed by the original film’s director, John Woo) was doomed to fail, if only because it would inevitably suffer from comparison to the original classic.  The Killer was the film that raised the bar for action films, not only as spectacle, but as art.  As much as I tried to divorce myself from the first film, it just wasn’t happening.  Maybe it would’ve helped if this one wasn’t so mindbogglingly awful.  

The bare bones of the story are the same.  A killer accidentally blinds a lounge singer while on a job.  They then have to dodge a crafty cop looking to bring them down. 

The big difference is that this killer is a woman (Nathalie Emmanuel).  I guess they thought this would appeal to the PC crowd, but it’s just another instance of change for change’s sake.  It doesn’t help that she isn’t a remotely interesting character either as the dumbed down script underlines and italicizes all her motives.  (She only kills people who deserve it because… you know… God forbid the audience might side with a killer who might be morally ambiguous.)  It also doesn’t help that you never buy Emmanuel in the role.  If you were going to remake The Killer with a female lead, get a badass in there like Charlize Theron or Michelle Yeoh.  If I was casting this thing, the twelfth billed costar of the last couple of Fast and Furious movies wouldn’t even have been in my top 100 candidates.  I don’t think she could carry a bag of groceries, let alone an action movie, let alone a remake of one of the greatest action movies of all time. 

Then again who could possibly fill Chow Yun Fat’s shoes?  When you watch him in the OG Killer you are watching THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER TO EVER LIVE.  So yeah, I don’t envy anyone who has to follow his lead.  However, the film needed someone with some kind of screen presence to carry the movie.  Or at least looks the part.  (Try to count all the times she flinches while firing her gun.)

Then, there’s Diana Silvers as the lounge singer.  Woof.  Man.  She sounds like someone who just went through a massive dental procedure that tried to do amateur karaoke with a mouth full of Novocain.  Her absolute butchering of “Live for Today” is a crime against not only music, but sound in general.  The Grass Roots should fucking sue.  I guess it would be one thing if she was just a bad singer, but she’s a bad actress to boot.  I’ve seen better performances in Tubi Originals. 

Another change is the setting.  Now it takes place in Paris.  You know.  For reasons. 

The most infuriating difference is that the Shakespearean ending of the original has been changed.  (Read: RUINED.)

If anyone other than Woo directed this, it would’ve been easy to shrug off.  However, his participation makes the whole ordeal even that much inexplicable.   The action ranges from mediocre to pedestrian, and the callbacks to the original just underline just how misguided this whole enterprise was. 

You know you’re in trouble when charisma vacuum Sam Worthington gives the best performance of the movie. 

I dunno man.  Maybe Tarantino is right.  Maybe directing is a young man’s game.  Maybe Wood should’ve quite while he was ahead.

THE SINGLE GIRLS (1974) **

Before Claudia Jennings cemented her title as Queen of the Drive-In in Ferd and Beverly Sebastian’s immortal classic, Gator Bait, she starred in the decidedly less than classic The Single Girls for the couple. 

Claudia and some friends go to a “liberated” resort where a groovy doctor helps vacationers lose their inhibitions and partake in some “group” therapy, if you know what I mean.  (Or, SEX, if you don’t know what I mean.)  Too bad Claudia’s stuffed shirt ex has followed her along to ruin the fun.  Speaking of ruining the fun, there’s also a killer lurking about the grounds who is slowly (huge emphasis on the word “slowly”) picking off the hedonistic vacationers one by one. 

The Single Girls is an uneven mix of hippie dippy sexploitation and prototypical slasher movie.  The fact that it was retitled Bloody Friday and rereleased years later on video as a Friday the 13th knockoff is telling.  Don’t worry though, because there’s still a decent amount of skin on display.  It’s just that the film has a tendency to swap genres as much as the couples swap partners.

This could have worked if the script was tight, but ultimately The Single Girls just never quite gets its affairs in order.  It doesn’t work as sexploitation because there’s too much stalling and not enough balling, and it fails as a slasher flick as there’s too much gabbing and not enough stabbing.  The finale is pretty weak too. 

Claudia is the reason to watch it.  She gives a fine performance, even if she doesn’t have quite as many nude scenes as I was expecting.  We also get fine support from Albert (the Dirty Harry series) Popwell as the “soul brother” of the group and Robyn (Blazing Saddles) Hilton as one of the tourists. 

AKA:  Private School.  AKA:  Bloody Friday.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRANGLER OF THE SWAMP (1946) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Years ago, angry villagers formed a lynch mob and hung an innocent man who worked as the ferryman in the swamp.  Before he died, he placed a curse on the men and their descendants.  Now, his ghost roams the swamps strangling the relatives of those responsible for his death.  Meanwhile, a pretty young gal takes up the job of ferrywoman and begins a romance with a strapping young man.  Naturally, thanks to long-buried family secrets, it doesn’t take long for the ghost to ruin their newfound bliss. 

Strangler of the Swamp is well regarded in some circles.  It was released by PRC, who were known for their “poverty row” horror cheapies.  While it certainly looks more polished and is more atmospheric than your typical PRC horror quickie, it’s still far from perfect. 

The biggest problem is with the landslide of exposition that kicks off the film.  It would’ve worked much better if we actually saw the hanging that initiated the curse of the strangler instead of hearing everyone in town talk about it on and on.  The love story scenes are strictly standard fare too, and the religious-tinged “love conquers all” ending is quite hokey. 

That said, Strangler of the Swamp is certainly one cool looking flick.  The swamp locations are atmospheric (it often looks like a Universal horror flick) and give the film a personality that most PRC flicks lacked.  The effects of the ghost (played by Charles Middleton, best known for playing Ming the Merciless in the Flash Gordon serials) are surprisingly well done too, and the shots of him lurking in the fog are surprisingly effective.  The running time clocks in at just under an hour and the pacing is relatively brisk, which certainly helps.  It all results in a mixed bag, but a moderately entertaining one.