LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE CULT OF AGFA TRAILER SHOW (2023) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

The good folks at AGFA bring us another wild and wooly collection of drive-in movie trailers, oddball commercials, and pop culture ephemera.  This one kicks off with an assortment of theater ads, concession stand shorts, and dated futuristic looking commercials.  (There’s also an intermission about halfway through containing similar ads.)  Then, we get a rather good assemblage of trailers spanning many genres and decades. 

Included here are previews for Asian action and horror flicks (Robotrix, Sex Beyond the Grave, Angel Terminator, Versus, Black Magic, and Bewitched), weird kids movies (C.H.O.M.P.S., The Peanut Butter Solution, The Secret of Magic Island, Pinocchio’s Birthday Party, and Starchaser:  The Legend of Orin in 3-D), documentaries (The Decline of Western Civilization 2:  The Metal Years, The Best of the New York Erotic Film Festival, and The Mysterious Monsters), certified cult classics (Meet the Feebles, Brain Damage, Forbidden Zone, Death Race 2000, Escape from New York, Blood Diner, and Frankenhooker), total crap (Birds 2:  Land’s End, Slapstick of Another Kind, Tentacles, and Meatballs 4), '80s time capsules (Body Rock, Rad, Foxes, Times Square, Tuff Turf, and Munchies), Manson movies (The Other Side of Madness and The Manson Family), as well as Various oddities (Sins of Rachel, Another Son of Sam, and an unidentified Mexican action movie). 

Sometimes the whiplash in tone from trailer to trailer provides the biggest laughs, like going from Cocaine Wars to Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer or from Tough Beauty and the Sloppy Slop to Eraserhead.  As with most of AGFA’s “mixtapes”, the editing is often mischievous.  Remember when the Gremlins took over the projection booth?  It’s kind of like that as some scenes are repeated (like Cocaine Wars) or altered for comedic effect.  Some are shortened or abbreviated for pacing purposes. However, if you want to watch the uncut trailers, they are also included on the disc for posterity along with some funny shorts using some of the same kind of editing techniques.  (My favorite was “Rated R”, a collection of gravelly voiced narrators gravely stating movie titles.)

I will say it was odd for me seeing newer movies included here.  Yes, I know they are twenty to thirty years old, but they still feel new to me.  Such titles include The Doom Generation, Strangers with Candy, Psycho Beach Party, Suture, and Accion Mutante.  Your mileage (and age) will probably vary though.  That in no way takes away from the fun. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE PLAYBOYS (1973) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A dude with a terrible Cockney accent washes his dick in preparation for a date with his girlfriend.  Bad news for her:  Some other broad is already waiting for him to bone her on the sofa.  When she finally arrives at his place, our horny hero has to keep his other lovebird a secret, so he stashes her in a spare bedroom.  He then must go from room to room making sure each lady is satisfied without them finding out about one another.  Trouble arises when a third girlfriend shows up.  When the women become too much for our put-upon protagonist to handle, he calls on none other than John Holmes to help keep the ladies entertained. 

The Playboys is like a cheap porno version of a sophisticated bedroom farce.  As long as it features bedroom action, it doesn’t make any difference if the comedy portions aren’t exactly laugh out loud funny.  At least the filmmakers do a solid job slowly building up the plot and the way they toss in more women for our hero to juggle is marginally effective. 

The sex scenes themselves are decent.  They become shorter (but more frequent) the more women show up to the house, but I guess that’s to be expected.  There’s certainly enough of them, so no one should feel cheated by a lack of skin. 

The budget for this thing was almost nonexistent and the production values are piss poor.  (Crew members are visible in the bedroom mirrors during multiple shots.)  However, there is a certain charm to the entire enterprise and the scant running time (fifty-four minutes) doesn’t hurt either. 

It’s just a shame that Holmes didn’t have more (women) to do.  He gets one OK sex scene, but it shows very little in the way of penetration.  That’s probably due to the fact the actress couldn’t get his large member inside her.  He does figure into the comedic ending though.  (Spoiler Warning:  All the ladies see his big dick and run off with him.)  Too bad the movie ends right there and we never see what happens after that. 

AKA:  The Swinging Playboy. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A horny dude can’t wait to marry his girlfriend, if only so he doesn’t have to worry about her mother barging in on them while they’re doing the deed.  On his wedding day, his car breaks down on the way to the chapel and a woman offers to help him out.  As it turns out, she winds up being more interested in balling.  Next, a guy offers to buy our hero’s car but learns his wife spent all his cash (after they fuck, of course).  She then seduces the groom to be.  Eventually, our hapless hero finds love with his girlfriend’s sexy sister. 

The sex scenes run the gamut from OK to better than average.  What they lack in steaminess, they make up for with frequency (even if very few of them contain money shots).  The scenes include fucking on a (very small) kitchen table, in a meadow, a girl with a guy who has trouble getting hard, and a redneck with his gal in the back of a pick-up truck. 

This movie exists in a world where easy women do their grocery shopping in their bra and panties.  I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of world I’d like to live in.  I’ve heard some of the music in old Spook Show ads, which is to say it sounds really out of place during BJ scenes.  That’s not exactly a criticism.  It’s more of an observation than anything. 

Sex Before Marriage has a simple premise that is adequately performed and executed.  It won’t win any awards for eroticism, but it has its moments to be sure.  It also has just enough odd touches to make it somewhat memorable or at least enough to differentiate it from many of its forgettable contemporaries.  With something like this, that’s about all you can really ask for. 

THE RENTAL (2020) **

The Rental is one of those low-key horror movies that’s too low key for its own good.  Part of the problem has to do with the premise, which is thin as paper and twice as flimsy.  Two couples rent an Airbnb in a remote beachfront property and…

Let me stop right there.  That’s the movie’s first mistake.  If these bozos just got a hotel like normal people, they wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. 

It’s also obvious from the start that two halves of each couple are secretly screwing on the side.  Gee, I wonder if their respective partners will find out and get jealous?

The caretaker is a creepy old dude.  Immediate red flag.  Especially when he pops in and out unannounced.  And what are the chances he’s hidden cameras everywhere to spy on his guests?  This wouldn’t happen at a Ramada. 

There’s more.  The listing says no pets allowed.  The idiots bring their dog.  (SPOILER: The dog lives, but they have reason to believe he’s dead, which brings matters to a boil.)

Now, I know what you’re going to say:   “If the people in this movie actually behaved like smart individuals, they wouldn’t be in a horror movie.”  And you’d be correct.  But if you’ve got to be in a horror movie, then go over the top with it.  Trying to be all subtle about shit just doesn’t work.  Go for the gore and forget the mind games.  Call it “Scare BNB” and have blood dripping from the walls and chainsaw-wielding clowns and shit.  One dude in a Halloween mask lurking about for eighty minutes just doesn’t cut it. 

Director Dave Franco (James’ brother) usually acts in comedies and shit.  His handling of a horror flick is no laughing matter.  At least his leading lady (and offscreen wife) Alison (GLOW) Brie is somewhat amusing during the scene where she’s high as a kite while everyone else contends with a potentially sinister situation. 

Other than her performance, I would say you’re better off taking a staycation than watching The Rental.  (Hey there’s an idea:  SLAY-Cation!  Money in the bank!)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO MONDO (1971) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Porno Mondo is an obviously fake mondo movie about pornography.  That doesn’t mean it’s not without its merits.  First, we meet a porno producer named George Gasser who is interviewed about the production of sex pictures.  Meanwhile, we see two sex scenes intercut with the interview. 

Next, a pornographic writer (played by sex starlet Rene Bond) is interviewed while we watch a lesbian couple go at it on a couch.  Then, we see a pair of sex performers on set who are interviewed after shooting their big scene.  This is followed by a porn distributor who is interviewed while a woman is shown blowing a guy in the kitchen. 

Then, there’s a hot scene where porn star Alice Doe disrobes and demonstrates her fellatio technique for the camera before masturbating with a vibrator.  We then meet the processor at a film lab who tells us how pornographic films have changed over the years.  Finally, an adult theater owner is interviewed while scenes of a couple fucking in front of a fireplace is shown. 

Yes, this is less a probing documentary on the subject of porno and more of a… you know… porno.  However, you can tell that the filmmakers really believe much of what they are saying about the industry and that they were trying to sneak a message in there amid the sex and “wet” scenes, which is at the very least admirable.  It also helps that a handful of the scenes are actually kinda sexy. 

We also get some unintentionally funny moments along the way, like when a narrator solemnly reads excerpts from the Bill of Rights intercut with footage of sex shops and porno theaters.  I wish there was more of this kind of shit.  Still, it’s not a bad pseudo-documentary by any means. 

AKA:  Porno Mondo:  An In Depth Study of Porno Films. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EROTIC POINT OF VIEW (1974) **

FORMAT:  DVD

An author named Mr. Cox is preparing to write a book on human sexuality.  He interviews several women about their sexual exploits and experiences.  Sometimes, he engages in hanky-panky with his subjects.  In the end, he watches a stag movie while receiving oral sex from his blind secretary. 

It’s hard to say if Erotic Point of View is the first first-person point of view porno or not, but it is definitely a very early attempt.  I imagine that when this was made it was more of a novelty than anything.  No one probably dreamed that in fifty years’ time there would be a whole subgenre of porn devoted to POV sex. 

Since it’s an early example of the genre, it’s clear they hadn’t worked some of the bugs out yet.  During the first-person blowjob scenes, you can hardly even see any of the hardcore action because the actress’s head is always in the way.  The scenes where the author watches the sexual shenanigans work slightly better than the first-person stuff, mostly because the audience can see what is going on.  Consider the scene where he watches a pair of lesbians use strap-ons.  While it lacks the novelty of the first-person camerawork, the flow of the scene is certainly smoother. 

That said, despite the title none of the sex scenes are particularly erotic.  One odd scene finds the author watching two guys bang a girl on a bathroom floor.  This might’ve worked, but for whatever reason there’s no penetration in this scene.  These guys return later to deflower a virgin on camera and things get awkward where she begs them to stop, but they keep going. 

Also, there’s no real payoff either since it all ends with our first-person main character watching an old ratty porno.  I have a suspicion the old stag segments were only there to pad out the running time to bump it up to an hour.  Unless tax time was coming up and the author was going to try to write off his smut movie purchases as part of his “research”.  I don’t know. 

There’s also no avoiding the fact that the women aren’t exactly beauty pageant winners.  I mean it’s one thing not to shave your bush for a ‘70s porno, but you should at least shave your armpits.  And legs. 

JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX (2024) ***

Now that all the hubbub has died down, I think I can pinpoint why this tanked.  The mass consumer theatergoing audience just didn’t want a superhero movie jukebox musical.  Since this is likely the first and last time we will probably get a superhero movie jukebox musical, I have to say that I’m glad they at least they tried to do something different.  In fact, I dare say… I liked it?  It’s definitely what the kids nowadays would call a “big swing”. 

The flip side to that coin is that’s basically the only trick up its sleeve.  (Other than the Looney Tunes cartoon that opens the film.)  It’s also not quite as clever as the filmmakers think it is.  However, it’s not nearly as bad as you’ve been led to believe. 

The movie is essentially about Joker (Joaquin Phoenix) experiencing the ramifications of his actions in the first film.  He spends his days in prison awaiting his trial when he meets a fellow inmate named Lee Quinzel (Lady Gaga) in a music therapy class.  Together, they escape, but eventually, Joker is caught and has to stand trial. 

Much has been made of the musical numbers.  Honestly, they aren’t bad.  I mean our main characters are supposed to be batshit insane.  Having them occasionally break into song isn’t the most farfetched thing in the world.  Besides, if the first film was a riff on Scorsese’s Taxi Driver, then this can be seen as the comic book version of New York, New York. 

Ultimately, it’s a long sad plunge into darkness.  It’s almost a reverse of the first one.  Without spoiling anything, I’ll only say that the film is essentially the journey of the flashy Joker character slowly being beaten back down into his pathetic Arthur Fleck persona.  It’s during the musical numbers that he finds his only glimmers of hope. 

Much has been made about the final scene too.  I don’t know.  I dug it. 

Overall, Joker:  Folie a Deux is a solid sequel that dares to be different, even if it is missing the pulse of the original.  I think all involved made exactly the movie they set out to make.  At the end of the day, you can’t ask for much more than that. 

RUMBLERAMA: HOT BABES WRESTLING (1983) ****

Shit like this is why I love having a Roku player.  You can stumble upon a bunch of ‘80s weirdness at any given moment.  And let me tell you, Rumblerama:  Hot Babes Wrestling is some prime ‘80s goodness. 

It’s less than an hour long and broken up into three segments:  Oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and mud wrestling.  In other words, there’s a little something for everyone. 

First up is oil wrestling.  The combatants come out dressed in various themed outfits and perform a striptease down to their bikinis before locking horns in the ring.  The first match has “Hell’s Little Angel” (a biker babe) going against “Dolly Roger” (a gal dressed up like a pirate).  The action is fast and furious.  Even though the ladies are all oiled up, they are still able to grab hold of one another and do some impressive body slams and flips within the confines of the small ring. 

Next up is “Pinky the Panther” (dressed in a pink dress) vs. a stunning blonde named “Shady Sadie” (dressed in lingerie).  This match is just incredible.  We have multiple wardrobe malfunctions, chokeholds, biting, and action in and out of the ring.  If you ever wanted proof that there is a God and he’s a man, then look no further than this match. 

We then move onto foxy boxing.  Sugar Ray Renee (who was also featured in Foxy Food Fight) puts up her dukes against Cactus Kelly (a gal dressed like a cowgirl).  The ladies wear headgear and oversized boxing gloves, but that doesn’t mean the action isn’t fierce. 

Next, we have the number one ranked contender “The Valley Girl” (dressed as… uh… a valley girl) vs. the champ “The Little Old Lady” (you can probably guess her schtick).  For a title match, there aren’t a lot of sparks.  However, the action picks up considerably in the third round. 

The third fight features “Princess Spread Eagle” (a blonde wearing a Native American headdress) going up against “Sweet Virginia” (a gal with a southern belle gimmick).  Pandemonium reigns in this one.  The gals lose their headgear, gloves, and tops in short order.  The referee loses control of the match too.  In a word, “Cinema”. 

We finish things up with mud wrestling.  “Dreamy Jeannie” (dressed up like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie) locks horns with “Cona the Barbarian”.  Cona completely manhandles poor Jeannie until she pulls another gal from the crowd into the mud pit. 

Boom Boom Barbie (a blonde in a cheerleader outfit who says “Gimme a T!  Gimme an A!” before she strips down to her bikini) grapples with “The Head Nurse” (dressed as you would expect and/or hope) in the next match.  The action is solid in this one.  In fact, the ladies wind up covered in so much mud that they have to be watered down at the end of the fight to tell who is who. 

Cleopatra (who is dressed as the Queen of the Nile and has an enormous set of pyramids) goes toe to (camel) toe against “Blushing Bride” in the “Battle of the Bosoms”.  Basically, they just shake their tits while “Dueling Banjos” plays.  I don’t know who invented this gimmick, but I’d like to shake their hand.  This quickly devolves into an absolute slobberknocker of a mud wrestling match, which is to say, it’s amazing. 

Things end with two guys from the audience being chosen to compete in a Royal Rumble mud match with the ladies.  Lucky bastards.  I miss the ‘80s. 

AKA:  Battling Beauties. 

SWEDISH GAS PUMP GIRLS (1980) ****

Brigitte Lahaie stars in this amazing softcore sex comedy from Erwin C. (Caged Women) Dietrich.  Six sexy girls own a small gas pump (not a station mind you, just a single pump) in a quaint Swedish village, but they spend more time humping than pumping.  The prudish town officials try to put a stop to their full-service antics.  Predictably, these guys are a bunch of hypocrites who do a lot of humping of their own.  (Mostly with the mayor’s wife.)

Swedish Gas Pump Girls bears no relation to the immortal drive-in classic, Gas Pump Girls.  It’s actually a sequel to Six Swedish Girls in a Boarding School, which I definitely have to check out soon.  Incredibly enough, this is even better than the American Gas Pump Girls.  It offers up non-stop near hardcore action with a bevy of beautiful Swedish sexpots with the barest minimum of plot and clothing.  I ask you, where is the Criterion release for this one? 

If it was just a collection of sexy vignettes, it would’ve been great.  However, many of the sex scenes are downright surreal.  The opening scene rips off the ending of Kentucky Fried Movie where a newscaster on TV can miraculously see a couple boning on the couch.  This scene is one-upped later on when the sexy Kerstin (France Lomay) bangs the little man inside her TV. 

Later, we get a scene where the girls watch a Santa Claus porno and get an idea to create a dildo-powered exercise bike.  (You have to wonder if the Gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia saw this as it’s nearly identical to Mac’s workout bike.)  Not satisfied from that workout, the gals then strip and decide to take a run through the woods.  (In glorious slow motion, no less!)

Even the so-called “normal” sex scenes are surprisingly well done and wonderfully erotic.  The scene where Lahaie and Lomay make love is especially great as the camera occasionally focuses on blooming flowers to symbolize their budding love affair.  However, it’s those bonkers moments that make this one a classic.  What more can you say about a movie that ends with six sexy Swedish babes banging a marching band?  That’s some AFI/TCM/MoMA type shit right there if you ask me. 

AKA:  High Test Girls.  AKA:  Swedish Sex Service.  AKA:  Friendly Favors.  AKA:  Six Swedes at a Pump.  AKA:  Swedish Erotic Sexations.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HOMER… THE LATE COMER (1970) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Homer is a tubby middle-aged man who still lives at home with his overbearing mother.  He has a job editing porno movies and spends lots of time fantasizing about banging women.  When he isn’t doing that, he’s watching the dailies from the porn set while making weird faces.  Eventually, Homer finds love (or at least lust) with his boss’s new sexy secretary. 

The film begins with a long dream scene of Homer dressed as a Greek emperor and bedding a harem girl.  This sluggish scene gets the movie off to a slow start as it isn’t sexy and goes on forever (about a third of the movie’s entire running time, as a matter of fact).  It also doesn’t help that the actress in the scene really needs to wipe her ass.  Nothing takes the wind out of a porno’s sails like close-ups of a girl’s butt that is bursting with big brown dingleberries.  (Unless you’re into that sort of thing, I guess.)

The next scene is better though.  This one has Homer watching a scene from a porno movie featuring a Bonnie and Clyde-style pair of lovebirds banging on a bag full of money and jewels.  It takes its time building up steam, but it gets fairly hot as it goes on and ends with an oozing internal climax.  It’s amazing how much better a sex scene works if it doesn’t have an ugly dude and a gal with a shitty behind. 

Which brings us to the final sex sequence, which features Homer yet again.  The constant cutaways to Homer’s ugly face ruin any chance of this scene being considered hot.  He bulges his eyes out like Rodney Dangerfield having a heart attack, which isn’t exactly what I would classify as “erotic”.  Oh, and once again the actress didn’t wipe her ass, which is the final nail in the scene’s coffin. 

What, did no one know how to wipe their ass in the ‘70s?  Was there no room in the budget for toilet paper?   One thing is for sure:  Homer… The Late Comer is shitty in more ways than one. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AN EX-HOOKER’S CHRISTMAS CAROL (1995) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A former hooker named Milly (Laura Giglio) is arrested for shoplifting just before Christmas.  She gets probation and must do community service spending one-on-one time with a mentally handicapped man named Keith (Timothy H. Hawk).  He takes her to his “secret village” where wishes come true.  Problems arise when her former pimp (also Keith) comes looking for her. 

This was a bonus feature on Backwoods Marcy as it was also a Sharkey Video production.  Like that film, the cast is mostly comprised of familiar faces from W.A.V.E. Productions like Giglio, Deana Demko, Sal Longo, and Dave Castiglione (who also directed).  As much as I enjoy seeing W.A.V.E.’s usual stock company trying their hand at something different, I have to say the results are painful to watch more often than not. 

The big problem is that all the comedy schtick grates on the nerves.  Director Castiglione plays multiple roles, among them a cop, an old man, and in drag as a hooker.  He’s really not convincing in any role, which is a shame because I thought he did a fine job in Backwoods Marcy.  The same goes for Hawk, who also plays multiple roles, and badly I might add.   The amateurish songs on the soundtrack are pretty awful too, and the instrumental Christmas songs played incessantly on a cheap keyboard will have you pulling your hair out. 

It also doesn’t help that the sex scenes are strictly PG-13 stuff.  (There’s lots of naked backs, but no frontal nudity.)  I’m not saying that rampant nudity could’ve saved the movie.  It would’ve however made sure it didn’t get a lump of coal in its stocking, rating wise. 

The title is a bit misleading as the story hews closer to It’s a Wonderful Life than A Christmas Carol.  (Milly wishes she was alone at one point.)  Another problem is the use of the special needs character.  Needless to say, this shit wouldn’t fly today, and it was barely able to get off the ground back then. 

Giglio is pretty much the lone saving grace.  She’s fun to watch, even if everything else around her is cringeworthy.  Maybe she should’ve wished for a better script. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BACKWOODS MARCY (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Donald (Dave Castiglione) is a traveling businessman who gets lost in the backwoods of New Jersey.  He takes his eyes off the road just long enough to hit a trashy redneck woman named Marcy (Dawn Murphy) with his car.  She doesn’t die though, and she pursues him into the woods with her trusty machete.  When Marcy finally catches up to him, she forces herself on him and keeps him captive in a dog pen.  Donald then makes a desperate plan to escape the clutches of the sex-hungry redneck cannibal babe. 

Backwoods Marcy was produced by a low-budget New Jersey based company called Sharkey Video.  It features many of the same cast and crew from several W.A.V.E. Productions.  (Even W.A.V.E. head honcho Gary Whitson has a small role.) Unlike W.A.V.E., Sharkey seems to be trying to make a “real” movie with limited means instead of embracing its limitations and reveling in the grungy aesthetic. 

Murphy is quite memorable as the toothless, horny, machete-wielding crone.  Castiglione also puts in a strong turn as the put-upon victim.  Murphy also co-wrote and directed the film, and she does a solid job behind the camera for the most part, especially in the early scenes. 

While it’s not exactly a classic, I do give the film props for cleverly turning the backwoods “Rape and Revenge” genre on its ear by swapping the genders of the protagonist and the antagonist.  We’ve seen beautiful women being manhandled by ugly redneck guys countless times in horror movies.  It was only a matter of time before the shoe was on the other foot. 

The running time is a scant sixty-five minutes, and the pacing is fluid enough so that it moves along in a brisk fashion.  I will say that despite the fine set-up, the film plays all its cards a bit too soon.  Because of that, the third act isn’t quite as sharp or as focused as everything that came before.  Had the flick ended with the Friday the 13th-inspired gag, it might’ve skated by with a *** rating.  However, the coda with an FBI agent (Pamela Sutch) poking around the woods feels tacked on and goes on far too long to boot. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOOD HUNT (1986) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A doctor comes to work in a small mountain village in Spain where everyone seems to have an affinity for hunting.  The good doctor does some snooping and eventually learns the locals’ favorite sport is man.  Seems they even have a van that goes around rounding up junkies that the townsfolk use as their (most dangerous) game.  Naturally, once the doc stumbles upon all this (not to mention the fact that he’s banging the girlfriend of the asshole who organizes the hunt), he too becomes the hunted.  He then must mobilize the addicts and whip them into fighting shape in order to turn the tables against the bloodthirsty townspeople. 

Blood Hunt starts slowly, but effectively.  Director Javier (Blood and Sand) Elorrieta deliberately parcels out the dirt on the shady villagers and takes his time before revealing the whys and hows surrounding the big hunt.  The long flashback that explains the villagers’ motivations is well done, but it does kind of take away from the immediacy of the doctor’s plight.  This attempt to humanize the hunters is admirable though. 

On the flip side, I think Elorrieta could’ve turned up the heat in a timelier manner when it came to the hunting sequences.  It certainly wouldn’t have hurt to at least humanize the junkie characters a bit more either.  Still, he manages to keep the audience engaged up to a certain point, even if he never quite ratchets up the tension to a full boil. 

Once the film eventually comes down the homestretch, we do get some Peckinpah-inspired slow-mo shootouts and gunfights, complete with bloody squibs.  The finale is fine too, even if it seems to get wrapped up rather quickly.  It could’ve done with a bit more fireworks and/or firepower too.  Overall, it’s not Hard Target or anything, but for fans of Most Dangerous Game variations, Blood Hunt will probably scratch a certain itch. 

AKA:  The Night of Rage. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FLASH GORDON (1980) ** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 21st, 2013)

Dino De Laurentiis’ expensive update of the beloved sci-fi icon was obviously made to cash in on the success of Star Wars, but the look and feel of the film hews closer to De Laurentiis’ Barbarella than George Lucas’ epic. (The Hawk Men look like close cousins of the angels in Barbarella.) I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I just think the film would’ve been better off if it eschewed the campy tone and told a straight-up slam-bang sci-fi story.

Sam J. Jones is Flash Gordon, a quarterback for the New York Jets. Along with Dale Arden (Melody Anderson), Flash blasts off into space at the behest of crazy scientist Dr. Zarkov (Topol). They arrive at the planet Mongo, which is ruled with an iron fist by the evil Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow). Ming kidnaps Dale and sentences Flash to be executed. Ming’s daughter (Ornella Muti) has the hots for Flash, so she helps him escape. He then gets the help of two warring princes (Timothy Dalton and Brian Blessed) to help crash Ming’s wedding and rescue Dale.

I think the reason Flash Gordon never quite comes to life is because Mike Hodges’ direction is pretty pedestrian. He did some great work with Michael Caine in the coldblooded Get Carter, but I don’t think he had the right sensibilities for Flash Gordon. The insane sets are pretty cool, and the costumes are lavish, but Hodges never finds a way to make it come alive. Hodges’ handling of the action scenes is slightly better. The scene where Flash uses his football skills against Ming’s cronies is either hilarious or awful, depending on your point of view. But Hodges does deliver a pretty cool bullwhip fight on a tilting spiked platform and the Hawk Man attack finale is quite rousing.

Another problem is the character of Flash. Jones certainly looks like a hero, but his performance is pretty bland. He seems too passive and sorta gets lost in the shuffle amid the sets, special effects, and colorful supporting cast.

But even the supporting performances are a mixed bag. Von Sydow is pretty awesome as Ming. Anderson on the other hand makes for a forgettable Dale. And Topol is rather annoying. Most of that had to do with the way Dr. Zarkov was written though. I particularly hated the fact that he would pull a gun on Flash and Dale to make them go in his ship.

The presence of Ornella Muti very nearly saves the entire film. She’s definitely one of the Top Five Hotties of All Time in this flick. The scene where she gets tied up and whipped is Fifty Shades of Awesome. But Ornella is much more than a pretty face and a tight body. She’s a heck of an actress too. I especially liked her comic timing in the scene where she tries to seduce Flash while he’s simultaneously trying to contact Dale telepathically.

But the best thing about the movie is the awesome score by Queen. You’ll have the music stuck in your head for days after. The movie… not so much.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Flash Gordon probably can’t be classified as a “good” movie, but it’s a fun one.  The biggest problem has always been with the hero Flash, who is so bland that he quickly gets lost in a sea of colorful sets, costumes, and supporting characters.  That, and the special effects look closer to say Barbarella (another Dino de Laurentiis production) than Star Wars.  Still, of the many Star Wars rip-offs released at the time, it remains one of the better cash-ins. 

4K UHD NOTES:

You can say what you will about Flash Gordon’s various shortcomings, but it had always been a visual treat.  This 4K treatment by Arrow does the film justice.  You really get your bang for your buck during the awesome title sequence where the colors and comic panels pop like never before.  Since the film is loaded with lush colors and visual pizzazz, you could probably use any given scene as a systems test for your home theater set-up.  It looks that good.  Queen’s score sounds equally amazing.  Of course, the best sight in 4K has to be Ornella Muti.  Growl. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: YOUNG L.A. NURSES 2 (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 30th, 2010, under the title, Night Call Nurses)

The third flick in producer Roger Corman’s Nurses series revolves around three nurses who pull the graveyard shift at the psycho ward.  One nurse tries to help a fellow brother (a revolutionary being held captive by The Man) escape the hospital.  Another nurse falls in love with a speed-taking trucker.  And the other nurse starts to think she’s going crazy once she starts dating her shrink.  Oh yeah, and there’s also a transvestite nutball (who likes to dress up like a nurse) roaming around stalking the girls.

 

Night Call Nurses isn’t great or anything but it’s a big step-up from the previous entry in the series as it actually has some humor sprinkled about.  It also features a healthy amount of skin (which is always a good thing) and director Jonathan (Bad Girls) Kaplan always finds some excuse for the chicks to get naked.  The best nudity scene comes from a group therapy session where the pimp doctor urges all of his female patients to disrobe.

 

My biggest complaint with Night Call Nurses is that way too much time is taken up with the nurses helping the prisoner escape.  The whole black revolutionary thing was already done before in Private Duty Nurses, so it seems redundant to have it in this flick too.  I also wish more time was spent on the transvestite killer nurse subplot.  It was a potentially cool idea but it never really receives a satisfactory payoff in the end.

 

The trucker gets the best line of the movie when he looks at a nurse’s name tag and asks, “Janis?  Is that your name, or the name of your left titty?”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VEROTIKA (2019) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 11th, 2020)

I’ve been a huge Misfits fan for what seems like forever, so I was excited to learn front man Glenn Danzig was making an anthology horror movie based on his own comic book line.  His music has always been infused with his love for old horror films, so I was anxious to see how he would fare as a horror director.  As far as musicians-turned-directors, he has a long way to go before he can touch Rob Zombie, but I can honestly say, there is enough inspired lunacy here to make me interested to see what he does next.

Porn star Kayden Kross stars as our host, Morella, who in the opening scene, gouges a woman’s eyes out.  She then introduces herself to the camera and we go right into the first story.

“The Albino Spider of Dajette” (***) is about a pink-haired girl named Dajette (porn star Ashley Wisdom) who is distraught when her boyfriend leaves her.  In most movies, the boyfriend leaves because he wants to see other people.  In Danzig’s world, the boyfriend leaves because his girlfriend has eyeballs where her nipples should be.  That’s not even the weird part.  When her boobs start crying, the tears land on an albino spider, and it morphs into a six-armed man-spider who goes out and kills every time Dajette falls asleep. 

I tell you, when it comes to becoming a spider-man, getting bit by a radioactive spider is soooooo gauche next to being bathed in titty tears.

Most directors would take an idea like a woman with eyes for nipples and base an entire story around it.  For Danzig, it’s just the jumping off point.  You have to admire something so hilariously insane, even if the craftsmanship is a bit shoddy.

Then again, any time I want to criticize this segment for its stilted performances, awkward camerawork (I can’t tell if Danzig is trying to channel Jess Franco’s haphazard camera zooms on purpose), or slipshod editing, I remember it’s about a woman with eyes for nipples whose teat tears turn a spider into a half-human spider-man, and I think… gee… I haven’t seen THAT before, so ***.

The next story is the Eyes Without a Face-inspired “Change of Face” (**).  A masked stripper known as “The Mystery Girl” (Rachel Alig from Bikini Spring Break) goes around hacking off the faces of women and puts them on her dressing room wall.  It’s then up to a determined detective (The Karate Kid 3’s Sean Kanan) to end her reign of terror.

This segment isn’t nearly as wild as the previous tale, which puts it at a disadvantage.  It isn’t necessarily bad, per se, but it’s certainly a comedown.  Alig is pretty good though as the faceless stripper who wears skull-shaped pasties.  She’s definitely a much more credible lead than Wisdom was, that’s for sure.  I also had fun with Kanan’s performance as the comically gruff detective.  That doesn’t quite compensate for the fact that the story is slight, and the non-ending is rather frustrating.

The final tale, “Drukija:  Contessa of Blood” (**), is a reworking of the old Elizabeth Bathory legend as a vampire woman (Alice Haig) bathes in the blood of virgins to remain eternally young. 

This is one story that would’ve benefited from some tighter editing.  I mean there’s a scene where Drukija stares at herself in the mirror that just goes on forever.  That said, the scenes where Drukija slashes open virgin throats and bathes in their jugular spray are something else.  Too bad that this one, like “Change of Face” is completely devoid of an ending.

So, in short, this is an extremely hit or miss affair.  It’s particularly rough going after the first story.  However, if you ever wanted to see an albino man-spider trying to negotiate the price of Greek from a French prostitute, then Verotika is for you.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHIN GODZILLA (2016) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 17th, 2016)

You know it’s been sixteen years since we last had an honest to God(zilla) Japanese Godzilla movie in theaters? That of course, was the fun Godzilla 2000. Before that, the last Japanese-made Godzilla flick was fifteen years prior, Godzilla 1985. That’s a bit of a sad trend. Even though this new flick, Shin Godzilla has its share of problems, I have to say one thing to the people at Toho: Please do not wait another decade and a half to give us another Godzilla feature in theaters. I’ll be in my mid-‘50s by then.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I have to say, I like how this was released. It was only in theaters for a few days in a limited amount of screens. This release was for fans like me who love Godzilla and know that the only proper way to see him is projected thirty feet high on the big screen. I’m glad too because I think if I saw it at home on the small screen, I might have been a tad underwhelmed. I hope more fringe release titles are able to see the light of day in this manner. (Rob Zombie’s 31 also had a similar release.)

Shin Godzilla isn’t necessarily a bad Godzilla movie, but it’s definitely a third-tier sequel. It’s set in the “Reboot” mode where Godzilla is a new phenomenon that has never stomped on Tokyo before. That is fine. As a Godzilla fan, we expect to get one of these every couple of years. Sadly, most of the films that are set in this mold (which include the original film and the previously mentioned Godzilla 1985) are interchangeable in both content and entertainment value.

For me, the “VS” movies are usually better. They may be a bit uneven in terms of quality, but at least the plot can focus on multiple monsters, which gives us less time on the dispensable human characters. Heck, even the “Friend to Children” films at least have their WTF moments. Maybe that’s why I liked the 2014 Godzilla so much. It managed to take the best parts of Godzilla’s Reboot, VS, and Friend to Children subgenres and blended them all together in a satisfying way.

Sadly, this is a straight Reboot tale, but one that has its fair share of rewards.

Speaking of tails (see what I did there?), the political infrastructure of Japan is worried when a giant tail is seen off the coast of Tokyo splashing around and smashing tunnels. Eventually, the bug-eyed beast emerges and runs around the streets of Tokyo knocking down buildings and causing the politicians all kinds of headaches. Once the monster returns to the sea, the politicians begin to rebuild, but it doesn’t take long for the monster to grow to enormous size and become the Godzilla we all know and love.

Actually, he’s not quite the Godzilla we’ve seen before. This time out, he has red stripes that glow in the dark and pulsate whenever he’s about to shoot his fire breath. Some may not like this change, but I dug it. It’s like Godzilla went to the body shop and got a lot of Fast and Furious type of modifications. Among the modifications this incarnation has: A mandible mouth a la Predator that gives his fire breath and nuclear rays an even larger stream. He also has a bunch of blowholes down his spine that gives him the ability to shoot his rays out of his back so that he looks like a one-man disco ball dance party. Also, his tail is equipped with the same ability, so now he can not only level buildings with his tail; he can shoot them down with lasers too.

The opening scenes of the tail in the water are a lot like the appearance the shark fin in Jaws. It’s a great way to tease Godzilla’s presence without showing him, allowing for the big payoff reveal later on. Once he finds land, the baby Godzilla looks ridiculous, but in a good way. He resembles a giant rooster and even walks like one too. Like Mothra, Godzilla has a life cycle in this one and every time you see him, he looks a bit different and/or shows off some brand new ability that the government isn’t prepared for.

Most of the human-based drama deals with the government officials as they decide what to do with Godzilla. What’s surprising is that the first act, which shows all the various channels and red tape-cutting the officials must go through in order to do something about the monster is fast-paced and involving. Had the filmmakers used the same rapid-cut style for the other human sequences throughout the film, the whole thing would’ve flowed better. I mean the flick clocks in at nearly two hours, which is really about thirty minutes longer than a Godzilla flick really has to be.

Let’s face it; we go into a Godzilla movie expecting things to slow down whenever you cut away to the humans. Yes, when Godzilla is on screen, it’s fun, and that’s what really matters. However, at one point, Godzilla literally stops dead in his tracks, and when he does, so does the film.

A lot of my criticisms won’t mean much to die-hard fans. At the end of the day, we got another Japanese Godzilla movie on the big screen, and that alone is victory enough. I just wish it was a bit better.

AKA: Godzilla: Resurgence. AKA: God Godzilla. AKA: New Godzilla. AKA: True Godzilla.

DR. SATAN (1966) **

The evil Dr. Satan (Joaquin Cordero) has perfected a serum that not only resurrects the dead but turns them into mind-controlled zombies.  Of course, you don’t come up with a fancy formula in your swanky lab without a little help.  Turns out the doc has financial backing from an international crime syndicate who occasionally ask him to run errands for them, like aid them in their counterfeiting ring.  Naturally, Interpol is on his case, and the good (bad) doctor has to think fast to stay ahead of their crafty agents. 

This oddity from South of the Border has some nice black and white atmospheric touches, but it feels like it can’t decide if it wants to be a crime thriller or a straight-up Mexican horror movie.  You can probably already guess the stuff with the secret agents and shit are the weakest parts.  It also doesn’t help that Dr. Satan himself is more of a suave antihero than a typical horror villain.  That might not have been a bad thing if he had been a memorable character.  As it turns out, he’s mostly a dullard.  It doesn’t help that Cordero’s performance is somewhat lacking.  Add to that the fact José Galvez, who plays the agent on the case, has even less screen presence, and you soon find yourself with no one to root for.  At least Gina (Santo vs. Frankenstein’s Daughter) Romand provides some fireworks as Dr. Satan’s saucy moll. 

The coolest scene is when Dr. Satan consorts with the real Satan in a foggy graveyard.  That begs the question, why would he have to spend so much time working for the criminal underworld when he already has the backing of the actual king of the underworld?  The devil himself is far and away the coolest thing the movie has going for it, but unfortunately his appearances are fleeting.  And while the idea of having mindless zombies at your disposal is cool, they wind up being less effective than your average hired goon or henchman. 

The sequel, Dr. Satan and Black Magic, was a slight improvement. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ROBOT MONSTER (1953) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

ROBOT MONSTER  (1953)  ** 

This so-called “classic” B-Movie has little to recommend besides featuring one of the all-time worst monsters in film history. If watching a man wearing a gorilla suit and a diving helmet on his head for an hour is your idea of a good time, then look no further.

Said Robot Monster comes to Earth with his Calthinator Death Ray and wipes out the entire population except for six survivors. The Monster, named Ro-Man communicates to his superior using a mirror. He also has a Million Bubble Blowing Machine too. He tries to kill the “Hu-Mans”, but gets a thing for the main scientist’s daughter. “Star” George (The Million Eyes of Su-Muru) Nader spends most of the movie in a ripped shirt, so I’m sure the ladies will like it. Even though Ro-Man’s costume is ridiculous, scenes of him strangling innocent children are a bit much. There’s also scenes of stock footage lizards and stop motion dinosaurs too. Of course, in the end it was all a dream!

The incredibly juvenile music is by none other than Oscar winner Elmer Bernstein! This was one of the first 3-D films of the '50s. The Rhino VHS cassette preserves the 3-D effect and comes with glasses, but it’s so poorly done, it’s headache inducing. The only good 3-D effect is the bubbles, so if you only catch the 2-D version, you ain’t missing much.

2024 CRITICAL REAPPRAISAL/3-D REVIEW:

ROBOT MONSTER  (1953)  ***

The previous review of Robot Monster was for the 3-D version from Rhino on VHS, which featured piss-poor effects.  Thank God for this new restoration by the 3-D Archive.  It’s truly a thing of beauty.  They have painstakingly restored the picture (every dimension of it) and have even included a short, Stardust in Your Eyes, that originally preceded the movie. 

Stardust is nothing more than a comedian named Slick Slaven coming out to warm up the audience before the show.  He sings a song, does a bunch of celebrity impressions, and… uh… that’s it.  There’s not much here to recommend, but I’m glad it’s been included.  If only for posterity’s sake. 

THE 3-D EFFECTS INCLUDE:

• 3-D Hand

• 3-D Hand

• 3-D tissue

From the very first frame of Robot Monster, you can see the work the 3-D Archive has put into this release as the comic books on the title screen leap out at your eyeballs.  I’ve seen this movie dozens of times (mostly on Mystery Science Theater 3000), including a handful of 3-D viewings on VHS, but it’s safe to say this is the definitive presentation.  It’s like watching it again for the first time. 

I can’t overstate how good this looks.  Even the familiar Bronson Canyon locations are a thing of beauty thanks to the rich depth-of-field effects.  Of course, “The Automatic Billion Bubble Machine” (as it’s listed in the credits) makes up the lion’s share of the 3-D effects, but even things you never would’ve dreamt were in 3-D (like Ro-Man’s viewscreen) jut out at the audience.  While there isn’t much variety in what comes popping out of the screen, there is no shortage of 3D imagery.  (See below for a complete list.)

With his gorilla suit and diving helmet, Ro-Man remains one of the most memorably goofy monsters in B-Movie history.  He’s never looked better either.  Also, since he spends a lot of the film in front of a video screen talking to his superiors on his home planet, I think it’s safe to say Ro-Man invented the Zoom call. 

The Elmer Bernstein (yes, Elmer Bernstein) score swings from juvenile nursery rhyme instrumentations to bombastic apocalyptic intonations.  Just like the movie itself, it’s all out of whack.  However, since the whole thing is revealed to be a (Spoiler) dream of a little boy, it makes sense that it doesn’t… uh… make sense. 

Sure, Robot Monster is still no masterpiece, but thanks to the work of the 3-D Archive, there’s honestly no reason to watch it in 2D ever again. 

THE 3-D EFFECTS INCLUDE:

• 3-D Comic Books

• 3-D Titles

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D Bubbles 

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Wand

• 3-D Ro-Man Hand

• 3-D Antenna 

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D View Screen

• 3-D Ro-Man Hand

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Wand

• 3-D Antenna 

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Ro-Man Hand

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D Viewscreen 

• 3-D Intermission

• 3-D Bubbles 

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Antenna 

• 3-D Bubbles 

• 3-D Ro-Man

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Wand

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Wand

• 3-D Antenna

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D Viewscreen

• 3-D Antenna

• 3-D Bubbles

• 3-D Ro-Man Hand

• 3-D Electricity 

• 3-D Ro-Man Hand

• 3-D Electricity 

• 3-D Repeating Ro-Man

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DR. CALIGARI (1989) * ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on April 14th, 2013)

Stephen Saydian (AKA: Rinse Dream) tried to bring his trademark weirdness to the mainstream with this pretty terrible in-name-only remake of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Imagine trying to watch one of Saydian’s hardcore movies without the hardcore footage and that should give you an idea of what to expect; which sadly isn’t much.

Laura Albert stars as Mrs. Van Houten. She gets sent to an insane asylum ran by Dr. Caligari (Madeleine Reynal, from Space Mutiny) to “rediscover her passion”. Caligari determines she has a “disease of the libido” and uses a series of unorthodox treatments to turn her into a sex maniac.

Since Albert plays a character named “Mrs. Van Houten” it’s safe to assume that Saydian was more interested in making a “legitimate” remake of Nightdreams rather than doing a new version of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. The flick is filled with all the trademark scenes of women spouting pseudo-hipster gibberish directly to the camera (Sample dialogue: “I want his boy-thing! I’ll twist it like a rubber band until it snaps!”), bizarre imagery (in one scene Albert fellates a giant tongue), and random weirdness (a chick sports a pair of freaky droopy boobs) you’d expect from Saydian. But without the hardcore sex scenes tying everything together, Dr. Caligari is pretty much a chore to sit through.

A lot of the movie tried my patience. I found much of it to be a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake (like the scarecrow scene). That doesn’t mean the flick didn’t have its moments. For one, I dug the fact that Caligari’s office looked like Lucy’s five cent shrink stand from Peanuts. There was also a visually impressive scene where Albert spread her legs and masturbated in front of a TV playing a flicking tongue. Too bad most of the scenes are downright irritating (like the electrocution scenes) and the sets look something out of a high school play.

THE HORRIBLE SEXY VAMPIRE (1971) **

You won’t fucking believe the opening scene of The Horrible Sexy Vampire.  A dude gets strangled in the shower by the Invisible Man, without the benefit of special effects, mind you.  Imagine a tubby middle-aged dude reenacting the shower scene in Psycho all by himself, and that’s what we’re talking about.  It’s fucking hilarious.  Alas, it’s all downhill from there, unfortunately. 

Oh, and turns out the Invisible Man is actually the vampire of the title, but It’s hard to tell how horrible or sexy he is when he’s fucking invisible. 

In fact, I think this is the first movie I’ve seen where a vampire is invisible.  I have a suspicion they only gave him that power because the actor didn’t show up to the set that day.  Since the filmmakers still had to film the scene, they fucking made his character invisible just so they could get some film in the can.  I’d like to think that at least.   Oh, and (SPOILER ALERT):  When the vampire finally shows up in the flesh, he’s neither horrible nor sexy.  (He looks like someone’s grandpa.) 

Oh, and remember when I mentioned Psycho before?  Well, like that classic, the main character gets killed off early on and then the movie has to start over with a new set of characters.  I don’t mean to tell tales out of school, but Hitchcock did it better. 

Anyway, the new character is the latest descendant of the vampire who comes to stay at his ancestral mansion.  Intrigued by the skeletons in his family’s closet (along with the literal ones in the basement), not to mention the recent murders at the residence, he enlists the help of the new detective on the case to get to the bottom of the mystery. 

Oh, and did I mention the vampire is called Count Winniger?  But because he’s German it’s pronounced “Count Vinegar”!  No wonder the whole movie leaves a sour taste in your mouth.  At least the gratuitous scenes of random women disrobing give the whole thing a reason to exist. 

During his investigation a policeman says, “Explaining is stupid.  Why should I bother?”  I have a feeling the screenwriters asked themselves the same thing. 

AKA:  The Vampire of the Highway.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEMONS 2 (1986) *** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 19th, 2007)

Director Lamberto (Macabre) Bava and producer Dario (Suspiria) Argento collaborate once again for this highly entertaining sequel to their cult hit Demons. Basically, if you’ve seen the first movie, you’ve seen this one. The only difference is that instead of demons coming out of a movie screen and killing a bunch of people in a theater, this time demons come out of a television set and kill a bunch of people in an apartment complex. The rules are still the same: Whenever the demons scratch or bite someone they become a possessed demon too. During the course of the movie the demons crash a birthday party, attack some muscle-bound chuckleheads at the gym, and chase the hero up an elevator shaft. In the end, a couple of uninfected people band together in the parking garage and the movie turns into a human demolition derby.

Bava fills the film with a lot of atmospheric moments, namely the scenes when the infected humans/demons are running down the hallway with lights shooting out of their eyes. Other scenes that will give you the heebie-jeebies include the scene where the demon is resurrected with blood and the part when a demon slowly forces his way out of the television set.

Bava also piles on the carnage with panache. There’s some groin grabbing, umbrella impaling, extreme manicuring, an Alien inspired chest bursting scene and of course, plenty of the requisite fingernail slashings we’ve come to expect in a Demons movie. Bava also gives us a couple twists on the demon lore by throwing in a freaky demon dog and a ferocious demon kid (obviously a midget in a suit, but who gives a flip) too.

As with the first movie, Demons 2 sometimes stumbles whenever it shifts its sights away from epicenter of the bloodletting and focuses on a couple meaningless peripheral characters who are OUTSIDE of the building. Whenever Bava does this, he loses a lot of momentum and whatever claustrophobic tension he’s created dissipates. Luckily, it doesn’t take him long to get the suspense crackling once again. There’s also an inexplicable subplot involving a rubbery looking pint-sized demon who looks like a fugitive from a Ghoulies sequel that attacks a pregnant woman. I don’t know who thought this was a good idea, but it doesn’t jibe with the usual Demons mythos and the monster is about as scary as one of the creatures from Troll.

Despite its faults, Demons 2 is still a lot of fun and a worthy successor to the first film. A very young Asia Argento (daughter of Dario) has a small role as a little girl who gets to watch her parents become demonized.

A dumb bimbo in the film-within-a-film gets the movie’s best line: “I want to immortalize this moment!”

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Pound for pound, this is one of the strongest horror sequels of the ‘80s.  It gives the audience what they want from a sequel to Demons while only tweaking things slightly.  The apartment setting was an inspired choice of scenery as it allows the carnage to play out on a broader scale than the original.  (Even if I do miss the intimacy of the movie theater from the first one.)  After all these years, the shot of the demon face coming out of the TV remains one of the most iconic of the ‘80s. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This is another great transfer by the folks at Synapse.  The darks run deep, and the brighter colors pop, especially during the blue-hued birthday massacre scene.  The slimy green faces of the demons look awesome in 4K too, as does the scene where the demons, eyes glowing in the darkness, descend a winding staircase.  In fact, the transfer is so good that you can clearly see the marionette stings holding up the little demon puppet during the scene where it attacks the pregnant chick now! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEMONS (1985) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

(Note:  Demons is one of my favorite Italian horror movies of all time.  I’m actually a little stunned to learn I haven’t reviewed it before.  Because of that, I will dispense with the usual “Quick Thoughts” portion of the Let’s Get Physical reviews that I normally do and just review it straight up. I’ll still include the typical “4K UHD Notes” at the end of the review though.)

Lamberto Bava got his start assisting his old man Mario Bava, the king of Italian horror.  If you’ve got to learn from someone, learn from the best.  He made his bones directing solid horror flicks like Macabre and A Blade in the Dark, but he really took things to the next level with Demons.  Working alongside producer and co-writer Dario Argento (whose influence is definitely felt, although this is mostly a Bava jam), Bava was clearly influenced from American horror films like Evil Dead, but he still managed to up the ante considerably.  The result is not only one of the best Italian horror flicks of the ‘80s, but of all time. 

College student Cheryl (Natasha Hovey) is invited to a movie premiere by a creepy dude in a metal mask (future director Michele Soavi).  She and a bunch of other folk head on over to an old movie house to see the film, which turns out to be a horror movie.  Before long, the terror spills off the screen and into the audience as patrons turn into razor-toothed demons.  It’s then up to Cheryl and a dude named George (Urbano Barberini from Outlaw) to survive the night. 

The ooey gooey special effects are a lot of fun.  The demon transformations are essentially a cross between traditional zombies and the Deadites in the Evil Dead.  The rubbery special effects are a hoot too and the air bladder induced bile spewing infected bite marks are a real thing of beauty.  The gore is equally great, and includes throat ripping, eye gouging, and scalping.  

Bava does such a good job at ratcheting up the tension and springing the monsters loose on the audience that it always felt disheartening when he switches gears mid-movie to a bunch of punks outside the theater who are driving around town and listening to Billy idol.  This threatens to take the wind out of the movie’s sails and diminishes the suspense and feeling of claustrophobia he’s built up.  (I did like that they snort coke from out of a Coke can though.)  That in no way ruins the overall fun of the film, but it does interrupt its flow a little bit. 

Luckily, once the punks sneak into the theater, the carnage is truly inspired.  The absolutely apocalyptic ending is really something too and I dug Barberini’s transformation from clueless dolt to motorcycle-riding, samurai sword-wielding, grappling gun-shooting hero.  (You’ve heard of Chekov’s gun?  This movie has Bava’s motorcycle!  Any motorcycle introduced in the first act must be driven around a movie theater and used to kill demons in the third.)  Also, the iconic score by Claudio Simonetti from Goblin is truly one of his best and gives Goblin’s score from Suspiria a run for its money. 

4K UHD NOTES:

The 4K restoration by Synapse is a nice blend of preserving the way it looked in the ‘80s while making the resolution and picture quality sharper than ever.  The colors are nice and rich, and the nighttime and darker scenes look great.  The special effects look particularly icky and the various transformation scenes look a bit rubberier now thanks to the high resolution.  That in no way takes away from their awesomeness.  The money shot where the demons, eyes all aglow, emerge from the theater pit, looks especially top notch in 4K.  The disc also includes three versions of the film, the original Italian, an international English version, and the American theatrical cut.  The commentaries (especially the one by Kat Ellinger and Heather Drain) are worth checking out as well. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HAUNTING FEAR (1991) ****

FORMAT:  VHS

Loosely based on The Premature Burial, Haunting Fear is writer/director Fred Olen Ray’s love letter to Roger Corman’s Edgar Allan Poe movies. 

Brinke Stevens stars as a woman who can’t sleep because she keeps having waking nightmares about being buried alive.  Jay Richardson is her philandering husband who owes a bunch of money and wants to bump her off.  He schemes with his lover (Delia Sheppard) to drive her insane to cash in on her inheritance, but things go sour.  Fast. 

Picked up by Troma (of all people) and distributed on home video by Rhino, Haunting Fear has to go down as one of Ray’s best.  In fact, I’m not sure why it took me this long to check it out.  In addition to Corman and Poe, Rays seems to take inspiration from A Nightmare on Elm Street for the dream sequences.  (Fortunately, only one of the dream-within-a-dream scenes threatens to test the audience’s patience.)  There’s plenty of gruesome stuff here too, like a cool oozing skull, a Fulci-influenced knife through the head and out the mouth, and a decapitated head.  The score by Chuck (Not of This Earth) Cirino is excellent too. 

Brinke is terrific in this (this is supposedly her favorite performance, and it’s easy to see why), especially when she’s flipped her lid.  She also has some fine bathtub and nude scenes.  Sheppard has some hot sex scenes too.  (“Nobody fucks you like I do!”)  Fans of Ray’s work will no doubt enjoy seeing his regular cast of supporting players like Richardson (who’s great as always), Robert Quarry (as a loan shark), Michael Berryman (as a creepy morgue attendant), and Hoke Howell (Brinke’s dead father) popping up.  Karen Black is second-billed as a hypnotist but doesn’t show up until the movie is halfway over.  Jan-Michael Vincent is top-billed, but he spends most of the movie in his car and looks pretty out of it a lot of the time.  

Much of the same cast appeared in Ray’s Teenage Exorcist. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SERIAL KILLER IN TRAINING! (2023) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Laura Giglio and Stacie Kaye go out camping in the woods.  Their holiday is ruined when a killer in a black mask (Jason Pollack) sneaks up on them, knocks them out with chloroform, and ties them up with duct tape.  Before he can kill them, his father, who is none other than “The Necktie Strangler” himself (director Gary Whitson under his usual GW Lawrence non de plume) shows up and chastises him for being so sloppy.  Luckily, the killer is dumber than a bag of hammers, so the girls are able to easily escape.  However, he follows them home where he makes them play a game that neither of them may survive. 

Serial Killer in Training! is one of the latest offerings from W.A.V.E. Productions and it’s refreshing just how unrefreshing it is.  Here we are in 2024, and Whitson is still making them the same way he did back in the ‘90s.  Sure, the digital cinematography looks much better now than it did in the old videotape days, but it’s still all wonderfully amateurish.  (There are flubbed lines and jump cuts aplenty.)  Sure, it may lack the kick of some of Whitson’s best stuff, but in terms of plot (which is a fancy way of saying “nonstop chloroforming and bondage”), it gives you everything you could more or less ask for from a W.A.V.E. movie. 

Plus, it’s only thirty-five minutes long.  There is zero fat on this thing, and it moves like a freight train.  It’s like watching a regular movie, but with the boring parts cut out.  Or maybe a regular movie played at 2x speed, except everybody doesn’t run around like Charlie Chaplin and talk like an overcaffeinated auctioneer.  The highlight comes during a surprisingly effective scene where the killer throws darts at his victims.  It also helps that Giglio (who has always been one of my favorite W.A.V.E. actresses) and Kaye are both game for anything. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PSYCHO SISTERS (1998) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Four years after making Psycho Sisters for W.A.V.E. Productions, writer/director Peter Jacelone took the concept to Seduction Cinema’s Michael L. Raso and remade it under his Shock-O-Rama banner.  It has a higher budget, better production values, and a more polished style.  It is also reminiscent in some ways of Evil Dead 2 as the first film’s narrative is streamlined into the first act before the plot spins off in its own directions. 

The story is essentially the same.  Theresa Lynn and J.J. North are sisters who are released from a psychiatric hospital after witnessing the brutal rape and murder of their sister.  They then deal with their trauma the only way they know how:  Killing men and cutting off their penises.  New plot wrinkles involve a nosy tabloid reporter/dominatrix, a run-in with a gang of bikers, and North defying her sister and trying to have a “normal” life with her new boyfriend. 

Jacelone learned a lot in the four years between films.  He attacks the material with a lot of confidence and some of the swings in tone work surprisingly well.  The humorous bits are often very funny too.  (Like the scenes with the tabloid reporter.)  On the downside it runs on a bit too long and has maybe too many supporting characters.  There’s also probably not as much gore and nudity as I was expecting, but there’s at least one over the top kill scene. 

The reason it works so well is no doubt due to the chemistry between the two leads.   North in particular is great as the bubbly psycho sister and Lynn has many fine moments as the no-nonsense member of the duo.  It’s also fun seeing W.A.V.E. starlets Tina Krause and Deana Demko popping up in a cameo. 

Sadly, this was North’s final movie before quitting the movie business.  I don’t know where she got to but all I can say is that J.J., if you’re reading this:  Come back!  We miss you!