LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WAVE OF TERROR (1988) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Wave of Terror is a two-part anthology horror flick from W.A.V.E. Productions.  The first story is “Road Kill” (***).  Clancey McCauley catches her boyfriend talking to another woman.  Later, in a fit of jealous rage, she runs him down with her car.  After the funeral, she begins to see his spirit pointing accusingly at her.  It’s only a matter of time before his spirit makes her pay for her misdeeds. 

This one is pretty simple in both premise and execution.  It has a cool E.C. Comics vibe to it (the graveyard finale is very well done given the means at the production's disposal) and benefits from the stripped-down approach.  It also shows that W.A.V.E. Productions founder Gary Whitson is probably a better director than many give him credit for as he delivers a solid story on a limited budget.  McCauley gives a good performance too as the jilted lover turned murderer and is particularly effective once the Carnival of Souls-inspired shocks come into play. 

The second story, Hadley’s Hellhole! (**) is less impressive.  It’s about a reporter (McCauley once again) and an archeologist (Whitson) who take a tour of a supposedly haunted mineshaft.  Almost immediately, they lose their guide.  As they go deeper into the mine, they encounter ghosts and demons lurking within the tunnels. 

This one is honestly a big comedown from the first tale.  Whereas Road Kill had a simple, clearcut story with a beginning, middle, and end, this one just sort of throws a bunch of stuff at the wall to see what sticks.  Frankly, nothing ever really does.  The technical limitations are more obvious this time around.  Not only are the sets kind of crummy, but there are also a bunch of flubbed lines (mostly courtesy of Whitson himself).  The monster is basically just a guy in a dime store Halloween mask, but the severed head in a birthday present gag is OK.  I did admire the way Whitson was able to work a wet T-shirt scene (a W.A.V.E. staple) into such a claustrophobic setting.  It’s just that overall, this story is just sort of ho-hum. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MAIL ORDER MURDER: THE STORY OF W.A.V.E. PRODUCTIONS (2020) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 3rd, 2023)

Mail Order Murder:  The Story of W.A.V.E. Productions is a fun and breezy documentary about the New Jersey-based video company that specializes in low (or sometimes, no) budget shot-on-video horror movies.  After making a splash in the early days of the SOV boom, director and owner Gary Whitson supplemented their catalogue by offering custom made horror movies where fans could write in and see their various horror fetishes played out before their very eyes.  Even though paying customers had input (sometimes more, sometimes less) on the productions, Whitson’s no-budget ingenuity ensured that every film he produced had a distinct touch that only a W.A.V.E. movie could offer.

Directors William Hellfire (who himself is a bit of a maverick in the SOV horror market) and Ross Snyder begin the film with a brief overview of the SOV horror phenomenon of the ‘80s and ‘90s (which itself would make for a fascinating documentary), before focusing on the eccentric, one-of-a-kind W.A.V.E. Productions.  The clips are sometimes jaw-dropping in just how bad (but admittedly entertaining) they are.  Most look about as close to a snuff movie as you could get without actually killing anybody.  

Whitson is interviewed and seems like an “Aw, shucks” kind of guy.  He certainly doesn’t seem like the type that would make movies about strangling, bondage, torture, asphyxiation, death by quicksand, and murder.  Frequent W.A.V.E. actresses, who have quite a following in their own right, such as Tina Krause, Deana Demko, and Pamela Sutch are also interviewed.  They all seem quite pleased with their small place in the footnote of cinema history.  We also hear from fans and fellow filmmakers, who seem perplexed, but in awe of the W.A.V.E. aesthetic (or lack thereof). 

Mail Order Murder serves as a good primer for fans.  It’s a fine history lesson on the birth and growth of the company and it’s totally worthwhile just for the interviews with all the W.A.V.E. starlets.  I just wish it delved a little deeper into what makes Gary tick instead of just propping him up as an unsung hero of underground DIY cinema.  I mean, he totally is.  It’s just that for a documentary on movies so dirty, I was hoping for more dirt (or quicksand).

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953) *** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 15th, 2011)

Aliens come down to Earth hidden in meteors. When they make their first appearance, some bozos run out and wave a white flag because “everyone knows the white flag means peace!” Well, apparently the aliens didn’t get the memo because they vaporize those idiots with their Martian Death Ray. Later, a preacherman gets up in the aliens' business trying to spread the word of God to them. You can probably guess what happens to this guy. Anyway, the aliens overrun the town and Dr. Clayton Forrester (Gene Barry) and some hot hysterical ‘50s babe try to survive the onslaught. Just about when you think the aliens have kicked our asses, they catch a cold and die. Wimps.

The War of the Worlds is pretty fucking cool on all accounts. First and foremost, the special effects are badass. The spaceships look like they came straight out of a Galaga game, and the aliens themselves are great. They sorta look like the bastard offspring of E.T. and a Simon game. The carnage these guys create is impressive too. They blow shit up, turn humans into ash, and set guys on fire. And the sound FX used for the Martian Death Ray is one of the coolest ever captured on film. Another thing I dug about the movie is that it actually shows civilization starting to crumble. There’s rioting and looting in the street, which is something you didn’t see much of in ‘50s Sci-Fi flicks.

The only problem I had with the flick really is the slow talky patches in between the Martian attack scenes. In that respect, the film is kinda paced like a porno movie. Talk, good stuff, talk, good stuff, etc. The ending’s kinda lame, but then again, the ending of book was lame too; so what you gonna do? Say what you will about the movie, it’s a fuck of a lot better than that Spielberg remake.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

This is one of the better ‘50s Sci-Fi movies.  If it wasn’t for the overly religious ending, it would have been ever better.  Still, Gene Barry is the definitive ‘50s Sci-Fi movie scientist.  He’s levelheaded in the face of danger.  He’s smart without being too much of an egghead about things.  He’s got high level security clearance, but he still feels like an Everyman.  Barry is terrific and helps carry the movie whenever the aliens aren’t on screen. 

4K UHD NOTES:

At first, I thought the transfer was just sort of fair-to-average in the early scenes.  Once the Martians show up, the transfer (like the movie itself) really takes off.  The red and green lights emanating from the Martian ships looks awesome in 4K, as does the death ray effects.  The alien effects have never looked better too, which makes this a highly recommended upgrade for fans of the film. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HUMAN TORNADO (1976) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2011)

This sequel to Dolemite opens with the title character (once again played by the one and only Rudy Ray Moore) banging the wife of a white sheriff. When the racist sheriff and his deputy bust the door down, she screams, “He made me do it!” To which Dolemite yells, “Bitch are you for real?” The sheriff then orders the deputy to kill his wife and Dolemite. After blasting her with a shotgun, the deputy sets his sights on Dolemite, but he is able to escape by jumping down a hill. Then Moore’s voice comes on the soundtrack and he assures the audience he actually did the jump himself (“Y’all don’t believe I jumped… well watch this good shit!”) and the words “Instant Replay” flashes on the screen and the jump is rewound and replayed.

This scene typifies what I love about Rudy Ray Moore’s movies. They’re full of unpredictable cinematic zaniness. Not many Blaxploitation films of the ‘70s feature this kind of fourth wall breaking. Not only that, but it also goes to show that Rudy Ray Moore was doing his own stunts long before Jackie Chan made it chic.

Even the title clues you in on just how far outside the box Moore was thinking. He could’ve very well just called the movie Dolemite Returns or Dolemite 2. But no, he went The Dark Knight route instead.

The title by the way is literal. You see, there’s a scene in this movie where Dolemite seduces the bad guy’s wife and fucks her so hard that the house falls down around him. If you can’t already tell, this movie is something special.

The Human Tornado is more cartoonish and straight-up crazy than Dolemite was, but it’s not quite as mind-blowingly awesome as the original. I think the movie’s main flaw is that it’s heavily padded with way too many musical performances and scenes of Dolemite doing his nightclub act. All of this shit slows the beginning of the movie down and it takes a while to regain its footing.

Despite that, The Human Tornado offers a generous helping of awesomeness. It’s got a bunch of fast-motion Kung Fu fights, a terrific theme song, and plenty of WTF imagery. (There’s a bizarre fantasy sequence where a white woman imagines three black bodybuilders coming out of a toy box.) And of course, it has Moore kicking ass and saying funny rhymes. My favorite: “He caught me with his wife now he wants to take my life! He thinks he’s bad! He’s got no class! I’ll rock this shotgun up his muthafuckin’ ass!”

Before They Were Famous Alert: Look for a pre-Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson as part of Dolemite’s entourage. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Super Mario Bros. is one of the most perplexing video game adaptations ever made.  It would be easy to categorize it as one of the worst if only the genre wasn’t littered with so many lousy movies.  (Many of which were directed by Uwe Boll.)  In fact, the biggest problem is that it strays so far away from the source material that it never really feels like a Super Mario Bros. movie.  Taken on its own merits, it’s still a sloppy, weird, and occasionally amusing Sci-Fi flick.  It’s just that it is bound to disappoint anyone expecting a halfway faithful adaptation of the beloved Nintendo video game. 

Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) are two plumbers who try to save a princess (Samantha Mathis) who is kidnapped and taken to a subterranean parallel universe lorded over by King Koopa (Dennis Hopper).  He’s trying to merge the two worlds into one kingdom with him ruling over everyone.  Oh, and he wants to turn everybody in our world into monkeys too.  It’s then up to the two plumbing brothers to stop him. 

The casting is pretty good.  Hoskins is spot-on as Mario and Leguizamo has an infectious playfulness about him as Luigi.  Hopper looks like he’s having fun chewing scenery as the baddie and while Richard Edson and Fisher Stevens don’t elicit laughs per se, they have chemistry together as his bumbling goons.  Lance Henriksen also has a random blink-and-you-miss-it cameo at the end.  The oddest bit of casting is Mojo Nixon as Toad.  No matter how bad it gets, I can’t completely hate any movie that has Mojo Nixon in it. 

Although the production design looks expensive, it also manages to be ugly and inconsistent.  The “Dinohattan” stuff is decent as it looks like a low rent Demolition Man sort of thing.  Some of the action is OK (like when Mario’s car winds up on top of another car during a chase scene) and the effects (especially Yoshi) are pretty good too.  It’s just… you know… it never feels like a Super Mario Bros movie.  Honestly, it probably played better when it was originally released.  Now that we have the animated Super Mario Bros. Movie, a near-perfect translation of the game, this just kind of feels pointless now.  That said, it’s better than its reputation may have led you to believe, but it never really works either. 

NOSFERATU (2024) **

Folks, there’s a reason why the publicity department isn’t showing you what Nosferatu looks like in the new Nosferatu.  Remember the iconic look sported by both Max Schrek and Klaus Kinski?  Gone.  I don’t mean to tell tales out of school, but once we finally got a look at Nosferatu, I about fell out of my chair laughing.  Spoilers ahead. 

This new Nosferatu sports a fucking Rollie Fingers mustache.  Seriously.  Burt Reynolds has nothing on my boy Count Orlak.  Once I saw him, I just couldn’t take the rest of the movie seriously.  I tried.  Honestly, I tried.  It’s just I didn’t know if he was going to suck someone’s blood or offer them a hoppy IPA with nutmeg undertones. 

We’re talking Hipsteratu. 

I mean, this isn’t the first vampire with a mustache in cinema history.  Lon Chaney Jr. had a dapper one as Son of Dracula.  Gary Oldman’s flavor saver wasn’t bad either in Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  Bill Skarsgard in Nosferatu is one Yosemite Sam looking motherfucker. 

It’s disappointing because the movie looks like a million bucks (although it cost much more).  Some of the drab color schemes work, especially when it’s been completely drained out, so it looks like the black and white original.  I dug the sequence where our bland hero (Nicholas Hoult) goes to Orlak’s castle as the lack of transition shots added to the dreamlike quality of the scene.  Once I finally saw the Count, I was wide awake. 

Guys, I don’t know.  Maybe after It, The Crow, and this we should put a moratorium on remakes and reboots where Bill Skarsgard plays pasty-faced dudes. 

I will say this for Skarsgard, I wasn’t expecting him to hang dong in this.  We’re talking Schlongferatu.

And, you know, for a movie in which almost nothing happens, it’s awfully exhausting.  Lily-Rose Depp blusters and sobs and screeches, but we never feel any sexual tension between her husband OR the bloodsucking Count, which is the big problem.  I mean, Bela Lugosi I can see a gal getting worked up about.  Gary Oldman, sure.  Heck, even the original Nosferatu is a hottie compared to the new guy, who looks like a freeze-dried Frank Zappa. 

Sigh, I still can’t believe they made a movie where Nosferatu sports a Fu Manchu.

Even Willem Dafoe is disappointing as the vampire hunter.  He has a moment or two where it looks like he’s having fun, but he’s never really let off the chain to chew the scenery.  He does get the best line of the movie when he says, “It would make Sir Isaac Newton crawl back into his mother’s womb!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAD TIMING (1980) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Nicolas Roeg directed this odd and bewildering melodrama.  Art Garfunkel stars as an uptight professor who is banging the free-spirited Theresa Russell.  When she overdoses, he takes her to the hospital where he is questioned by cop Harvey Keitel.  Through flashbacks we learn she was married (to Denholm Elliott) and that she and Garfunkel had some serious ups and downs in their relationship. 

Roeg’s artsy-fartsy style works for movies like Performance and Don’t Look Now, but it’s a little cumbersome for a film that’s essentially a relationship drama.  Cutting back and forth between the present and the past seemingly at random is one thing when you’re filming a police interrogation scene.  It’s another thing entirely to intercut scenes of a couple having sex with graphic footage of a tracheotomy. 

The sad thing is Russell (who later went on to marry Roeg) is excellent.  It’s just that the flimsy script leaves her at sea.  You know in movies about the making of a movie, how the dialogue often sounds melodramatic and contrived in the film-within-a-film scene?  That’s how most of the dialogue in Bad Timing sounds.  Like something out of a movie within a movie. 

While Russell is fantastic (and has a couple of nude scenes), Garfunkel is anything but.  The movie might’ve survived had Russell been paired alongside a talent that was her match every step of the way, but the casting of Garfunkel is befuddling at best and a bit painful at worst.  I mean, there were so many other qualified actors you could’ve brought in who could’ve done a better job than Garfunkel.  Heck, there’s a bunch of better musicians who could’ve given a better performance.  For Christ’s sake, Paul Simon would’ve been a better choice than Art Garfunkel.  And the less said about his nude scenes, the better.  Keitel gets by from being Harvey Keitel, but his Sherlock Holmes schtick late in the game becomes tiresome. 

AKA:  Bad Timing:  A Sensual Obsession.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ABDUCTION (2011) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Before Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner fell off the face of the Earth, he tried his hand as an action hero.  Abduction was his first attempt.  It was directed by… (checks notes) Boyz N the Hood’s John Singleton!?!  A quick look at IMDb tells me that this was to be the late director’s final movie.  Which only goes to show that you probably shouldn’t direct a Taylor Lautner action movie is there’s always a chance it will be your final directing credit. 

Lautner stars as a high school student who stumbles upon a picture of himself on a website for missing children.  He calls the missing kids hotline, which turns out to be a trap because the bad guys come after him and the people he thought were his parents die protecting him.  Taylor and his girlfriend (Lily Collins) go on the run.  Before long, the bad guys, the CIA, and the guys from the CIA who are also bad guys come after him. 

Basically, all this plays like a Young Adult version of The Bourne Identity.  Despite a decent hook, it quickly devolves into your typical man on the run (or in this case, teen on the run) cliches.  The title also makes no sense because Taylor’s character was never abducted to begin with. 

For a movie so generic and forgettable, it has a shockingly good supporting cast.  We have Jason Isaacs, Maria Bello, Sigourney Weaver, and Alfred Molina in the cast.  (They all must’ve been Team Jacob.)  They came to play too, which is nice, as their efforts make the film, at the very least, watchable.

I guess Singleton was trying his hand at a mid-budget studio action flick.  Even the rather lame 2 Fast 2 Furious had a sense of energy and silliness to it.  While competent and slick (the direction that is, the script is another matter entirely), it’s never quite engaging.   With a passable action star in the lead and a script that wasn’t so generic, this might’ve worked.  With Lautner front and center, Abduction just seems like something your grandmother would watch on Ion TV in the middle of the afternoon. 

CAVEMAN (1981) **

Ringo Starr and Dennis Quaid star as cavemen in this goofy prehistoric comedy.  They spend most of their days having to hide from dinosaurs and avoid getting beat up by the big and hairy John Matusak.  Ringo wants Matusak’s mate, Barbara Bach for his own, and when he unsuccessfully tries to woo her, he is cast out of the tribe.  Along with Quaid, another cave babe (a pre-Cheers Shelley Long), and her blind father (Jack Gilford), they find a new tribe and discover fire and music (on the same night, no less).  Eventually, Ringo brings everybody together to do battle with Matusak’s tribe and in doing so, learns Shelly’s the real gal for him. 

The stop-motion effects (by Jim Danforth) are really well done, even if the dinosaurs themselves are overly cutesy.  In fact, other than the oddball cast of familiar faces grunting and running around in loincloths, the dinos are the best thing about it. 

There’s no actual English dialogue (mostly) except when the cavemen say each other’s names as everyone speaks in grunts or in childish caveman language.  (Theater patrons were given a handy pamphlet with all the meanings of the caveman language when it was first released.)  It’s all kind of silly and harmless, though it’s rarely laugh-out-loud funny.  It would probably be perfect for kids if it wasn’t for the cringey scene where Starr gives Bach berries that make her fall to sleep and then he tries (and fails) to bang her. 

Starr coasts on the sheer fact that you’re watching everyone’s fourth favorite Beatle in a dumb caveman movie.  At least some good came out of it as he met his future wife Barbara Bach while making this.  Bach looks great in her skimpy pelts, even if she isn’t really given anything to do other than look great in a skimpy pelt.  No wonder Ringo snapped her up.  Likewise, Quaid is mostly wasted as he’s basically a third wheel, which is ironic since the first wheel hadn’t even been invented yet.  Richard Moll also shows up in a memorable bit as an Abominable Snowman. 

The director and co-writer, Carl Gottlieb (most famous for co-writing the screenplay to Jaws) also co-wrote Jaws 3-D, which also starred Quaid. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (2002) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 2nd, 2013)

Debbie Rochon is a psycho nurse who hacks up a bunch of teens in the woods. One year later, a pirate radio DJ does a show commemorating the slaying. The theme of the show is fear, and the DJ gets his listeners to call in and tell him their biggest fear. A group of friends in a trendy coffee shop call in and confess their fears, unaware that Rochon is listening in. When the friends go their separate ways, Rochon begins stalking them and picks them off one by one by turning their worst fears against them.

I first saw John Keeyes’ American Nightmare when it first hit video and thought it was pretty solid. Watching it now, it feels a bit dated (if it was made today, it would probably revolve around a podcast instead of a pirate radio station), although people still spend a lot of time sitting around trendy coffee shops on their laptops nowadays. But other than that, I like it quite a bit. Considering the crap that has been made since, it’s an easy call to say that American Nightmare is one of the best independent horror movies of the ‘00s.

Sometimes, American Nightmare feels like a horror version of Friends. The main characters sit around a coffee shop and crack jokes and make pop culture references. Once the action shifts to Rochon bumping people off, the flick really starts to cook.

And Debbie Rochon, it must be said, is quite amazing in this movie. In a career of great performances, this one is her finest. It’s a wonderful showcase for her many talents. She’s sexy, scary, tough, and menacing; sometimes all at the same time. The scene where she masturbates with a knife is really creepy and she has a great topless scene where she ties a guy up and guts him.

American Nightmare is at its best when Rochon is stalking and killing people. The ending however goes on a bit too long and the final twist doesn’t exactly work, but there is plenty to enjoy about this chiller. Plus, you get a cool cameo by Brinke Stevens (in her Evila costume, no less) too.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HITCHHIKERS (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

The Hitchhikers may not be as well-known as similar fare of the era, but it is a ripe slice of ‘70s drive-in cinema.  Written and directed by the husband-and-wife team of Beverly and Ferd Sebastian (who also made Gator Bait, a certified drive-in classic if there ever was one) it tells the story of Maggie (Misty Rowe) who learns she’s pregnant and hits the road to go to L.A.  She meets a bunch of oddballs along the way, most who either want to rob or screw her.  Maggie eventually winds up at the ranch commune lorded over by a man named Benson (Nick Klar) who lives with a bunch of grungy chicks he calls his “family”. 

Any similarities between Benson and Manson are purely intentional. 

It seems Benson has quite the criminal enterprise going.  He gets his “girls” to pose as sexy hitchhikers, and when a poor schmo pulls to the side of the road to help them, Benson and the gang spring on them and rob them like the highwaymen of old.  Unsurprisingly, he takes a shine to Maggie, and before long, he’s showing her the ropes of how to be a sexy hitchhiking thief. 

With apologies to Barbie Benton, I think Misty Rowe was the hottest of the Hee-Haw Honeys.  Her platinum blonde look and sexy demeanor makes her an ideal Drive-In Queen.  For whatever reason, other than a handful of Larry Buchanan movies, her career never really lived up to her early potential as this was a rather auspicious film debut. 

The Hitchhikers has some big swings in tone.  It goes from a carefree vibe to a buzz-killing rape scene.  There’s a depressing makeshift abortion that’s followed by an orgy.  Some will be turned off by that rollercoaster effect, but I found the “anything goes” tone to be indicative of its drive-in sensibilities.  I also dug the Folk Rock soundtrack that acts as a Greek Chorus over Maggie’s various trials and tribulations. 

The only real flaw is the lack of a concrete ending.  You would think that having a heroine shacking up with a Manson stand-in would lead to some sort of violent confrontation in the end.  However, (slight spoiler) the open-ended wrap-up means Maggie gets her happy ending, but at the same time, the audience really deserved some sort of satisfying conclusion.  Instead, the film basically peters out at the end.  On the plus side, it has healthy doses of T & A, courtesy of cat fights, skinny-dipping, and sex scenes.  Plus, Misty is terrific, so if for that and nothing else, The Hitchhikers is worth picking up. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOT ON LOCATION (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 12th, 2024)

Rick Lutze is a sleazy movie producer who wants to double cross a rival in order to make his dream project.  His plan is to get an underage wannabe porn starlet (Sandy Dempsey) to seduce the competition so he can blackmail him.  Lutze then promises the young ingenue a part in their latest picture (a porno western).  Problems arise when the director accidentally casts the wrong actress in the lead role.  Things eventually work themselves out when everyone involved decides to have a big orgy. 

Some sources list Shot on Location as being directed by Ed Wood.  That kind of makes sense because there is a reference to Criswell.  However, the consensus seems to be it was directed by Donn (Alice in Acidland) Greer.  Either way, it’s a fun slice of old-time smut.  

The cast is particularly charming.  Rene Bond takes the acting honors as the production’s sexy secretary/script girl.  She looks terrific as always and delivers a top-notch BJ scene.  Dempsey really gets into her sex scene on the casting couch and is a lot of fun to watch throughout.  The big orgy sequence has a lot of energy too. 

I do wish they had taken advantage of the western outdoor setting though.  I mean you’ve got everyone in their Native American garb, you might as well put them to good use.  Oh well, at least the final pun works surprisingly well as it really ends the movie with a bang in more ways than one. 

The music is also good for an unintentional laugh or two.  One scene uses music from (what sounds like) the Barbarella soundtrack and others are accompanied by Muzak versions of “It’s Impossible” and “Those Were the Days”.  The dialogue is great as well and features some real humdingers, like when Lutze sees a starlet naked and says, “What I wouldn’t give to be a goose pimple!”  My favorite line though was “If you can’t join ‘em, lick ‘em!”

Greer later went on to direct the immortal Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle. 

SWINGIN’ MODELS (1972) ** ½

A model poses topless alongside a gray faced mannequin in a tuxedo on a bedroom set for a photographer named Felix (Claus Tinney).  After her session, a young naive model named Astrid (Angelica Wehbeck) comes to the studio and balks at posing nude for Felix.  He then takes her to a party at a bordello to indoctrinate Astrid into the “world of sex and money” and tells her juicy stories about the various partygoers. 

The first tale is about their rich host.  He has trouble making it with women, so he keeps a young stud on hand to help ball his babes.  The next story is about a nude model whose marriage was ruined when her husband learned what she did for a living.  Another couple invites them to spend the night and eventually they wind up swapping partners.  After that, we get a tale of how an innocent girl became a porn star.  Then it’s Astrid’s turn to tell a story about her relationship with one of the party girls. 

This is an uneven but sporadically entertaining West German softcore flick.  It’s very episodic, but the vignettes are relatively fast moving and feature lots of skin.  It’s not exactly bad per se.  It’s just that it never really turns up the heat either.  The big reason is that the fractured narrative prevents the film from ever gaining any real momentum. 

The framework is ideal for an anthology movie as the partygoers have plenty of vices to fill an entire movie.  Unfortunately, there’s no real meat to any of the stories and they are pretty much over before they really get going.  Still, the speedy sixty-six-minute running time is appreciated.  Then again, I can’t help but think that the film may have worked better with a slightly longer running time if it allowed the stories a little room to breathe. 

Wehbeck makes for a fine leading lady too.  It’s a shame she only made a handful of movies because she has a lovely screen presence here.  She certainly has no qualms showing off her exquisite figure either.  Whenever she’s on screen, Swingin’ Models is a swinging’ good time. 

AKA:  Bed Career.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NYMPHO-CYCLER (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Ed Wood wrote directed and stars in this cheap but kinda fun porno.  He plays a photographer named Ed who marries his favorite figure model, Misty (Casey Larrain).  He also sets her up on dates with his friends as sort of a side business.  Misty eventually gets fed up being his whore, so she hops on her motorcycle and takes off.  When her bike breaks down, some sexy gals in a convertible give her a lift and immediately start pawing her.  They take Misty back to their pad and smoke pot before engaging in a lesbian threesome.  Later, she gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in a field.  Then, his biker gang invites her to a bonfire orgy.  Sadly for Misty, it all ends in tragedy. 

After sitting through Wood’s dreary The Young Marrieds, I was kind of dreading this.  Fortunately, Nympho-Cycler was surprisingly enjoyable.  The sex scenes are decent too, considering some of Wood’s other ventures into adult cinema.  That’s mostly because Larrain has a winning screen presence and seems to be having fun in her scenes.  Some of the dialogue is funny too, like “I’m in show business.  And I’m about to show my business!”, which helps add to the fun.  The musical selections, which include instrumental versions of Donovan’s “Sunshine Superman” and Santana’s “Black Magic Woman” are amusing as well. 

It’s also fun seeing Wood in front of the camera for a change.  He gets to romp around with Larrain in a hot tub and barks orders at her while taking pictures of her.  He disappears after the first act, but his performance (or appearance at least) helps make the film memorable. 

The only debit is the bizarre, abrupt, and downbeat ending.  The version I saw was only thirty-seven minutes long, but apparently there are more complete versions that run about fifteen minutes longer.  I don’t know if those versions flesh things out more or not.  The extremely rushed ending aside, for the most part, Nympho-Cycler makes for a breezy and enjoyable ride. 

AKA:  Nympho Cycler.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE YOUNG MARRIEDS (1972) *

FORMAT:  DVD

Right from the incomprehensible opening scene you can tell this is an Ed Wood porno.  Shots of waves crashing on the shore while a narrator drones on about men and women’s relationships through the centuries are intercut with footage of two disembodied voices ogling strippers.  Sadly, this is just about the only real Wood-ian flourish the film has to offer. 

Ben (Dick Burns) picks up a girl in his dune buggy and takes her out in the country to ball.  He’s married to the frigid Ginny (Alice Friedland) who is mad that he spends all his time in nudie bars.  (She doesn’t know about his dune buggy trysts.)  To spice up their marriage, Ben buys a camera and decides to take risqué photos of his wife.  He soon creates a monster as she becomes more demanding in bed.  Eventually, the couple go to an orgy arranged by Ben’s co-worker. 

Wood’s handling of the sex scenes is crude at best and downright unsexy at worst.  Of all the scenes, I’d say the final orgy scene is the best.  However, the camerawork and staging of the performers leaves something to be desired.  The crummy, intrusive narration doesn’t help matters either. 

Wood’s best work came from his ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.  From the corny but sincere Sci-Fi elements in Plan 9 to the earnest transvestite themes in Glen or Glenda, Wood’s transparent enthusiasm gave them their charm.  With The Young Marrieds, it’s clear that Wood’s heart just isn’t in it.  It’s obvious here he’s just trying to get a sex flick in the can and call it a day.  Other than the perplexing opening, there’s very few touches here that fans of Wood have come to appreciate.  It’s also surprising to hear the characters saying a lot of decidedly un-PC dialogue about members of the gay community, which is disappointing considering how Wood handled the subject of transvestites with such sensitivity in Glen or Glenda. 

This was considered a lost film for a long time until it was rediscovered.  Sad to say, it was probably better off lost.  This proved to be Wood’s final feature as a director, and it’s kind of a sad end to a truly one-of-a-kind career.  Had he only lived another year or so, he would’ve received recognition for his work in his lifetime. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE UNHOLY CHILD (1975) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A sailor named Gabe returns home to see his sister.  Whenever he asks anyone about his girlfriend, they immediately clam up.  He soon learns she married another man while he was out to sea and to make matters worse, someone seems to have it in for him.  After the mysterious figure blows up his car, Gabe searches for answers. 

The central mystery of The Unholy Child isn’t very involving.  Not that the film needed a great mystery to hold all the sex scenes together.  It’s just that you need… well… SOMETHING here to keep your interest.  Since the sex scenes are not hot and seemingly go on forever (as does the nude dance scene) and the plot stinks, there’s nothing here to captivate the viewer.  Also, the music drops in and out during the sex scenes and the dubbing is poor too.  You know it’s bad when the characters walk by a strip club advertising “Exotic Lady Wrestlers” and you root for them to go inside as the promise of exotic lady wrestlers is infinitely more interesting than anything else on screen. 

Yes, The Unholy Child is pretty much a mess from start to finish.  The most amusing aspects about it are just how inept it is.  The shot of Gabe’s car blowing up is hilarious as it’s just a model car being blown up by a firecracker.  This is the film’s sole highlight, but it’s worth the extra Half-Star.  Trust me. 

It’s also painfully obvious that the “man” following our hero is really a woman in drag.  In fact, the reveal of the killer may be the most infuriating thing about the movie as we already know who the killer is, but the film ends so abruptly that we never find out WHY they were after our hero.  Plus, we never learn what the Hell the title means.  Argh. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1975) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A young writer rents a room in a boardinghouse from the sexy Zenobia (Helen Madigan).  His first night there, he hears all kinds of strange goings on.  He eventually learns that all the ladies of the house are Satanists.  (Gee, do you think the giant pentagram on the wall gave it away?)  When he tries to leave, they knock him out and force him to participate in a big Satanist orgy. 

Not to be confused with the erotic lesbian vampire classic of the same name, this is a surprisingly solid Satanic sex flick.  The highlight is the fucking awesome scene where Zenobia plays with her pussy… literally!  She has her pet cat on top of her and while she’s petting it, the frisky feline turns into a horny blonde!  Then they fuck!  I guess it’s true what they say… You are what you eat!   What made this scene great for me was the fact that the cat in the movie looked exactly like my cat!  I can only hope it’s just a matter of time before little Mooney turns into a sexy blonde bombshell for me.  Fans of gratuitous close-ups of gaping glistening genitalia will also be in Heaven during this scene. 

In another memorable sequence, Zenobia appears with a wild looking devil tattoo below her naval that lines up so that her vagina is the devil’s mouth.  When our hero bangs her, she yells, “Fuck the devil’s skull!”  Madigan is hot in all of her scenes and kinda reminded me of Lauren Graham a little bit.  The legendary Joey Silvera is also on hand in a supporting role as one of the Satanists. 

Admittedly, most of this is pretty shoddy.  There are visible boom mikes and crew member shadows.  And wait till you see the cheesy negative scratches effect when the Satanists hypnotize our hero.  

However, the Satanist orgy scene features some simple but effective set design.  The camera peers through a rope-woven spider web as the Satanists bang each other while a fog machine blows smoke into the proceedings.  It’s not much, but it works. 

The sex scenes are the main draw, naturally.  Fortunately, there’s a little something for everybody.  We have lesbians, interracial (there’s a guy who looks like Chuck Berry wearing a swami hat who bangs a white girl in a field), anal (on the bathroom floor), orgies, and rim jobs.  You can’t ask for much more out of a Satanic ‘70s porno. 

KINGDOM OF THE VAMPIRE (1991) ** ½

Jeff (Matthew Jason Walsh) is a young pathetic vampire who has to put up with his domineering mother (Cherie Patry) and clean up after her whenever she feeds on poor Girl Scouts who are unfortunate enough to try to sell her cookies.  If that wasn’t bad enough, she also forces her son to help lure trick or treaters to their death on Halloween night.  Naturally, only so many people can go missing before it brings the attention of the local sheriff.  Meanwhile, Jeff begins seeing a pretty girl (Shannon Doyle) and it’s only a matter of time before his meddling monster of a mother spoils his happiness. 

Directed by J.R. Bookwalter, Kingdom of the Vampire is more serious and downbeat than some of his other work (although he’s still able to work in an amusing reference to his previous flick, Robot Ninja).  It’s less a horror show and more of a sad portrait of someone trying to break free of an overbearing parent.  It’s just that… you know… the parent also happens to be a vampire. 

The performances are strong and help elevate the film from its low budget trappings.  Walsh, who also wrote the film and supplied the music (which is surprisingly good) makes for a solid lead.  I mean you wouldn’t expect a movie called Kingdom of the Vampire to put such a concentration on characters, but everyone fares well with the material.  It’s easy for a low budget horror movie to rely on cheap gore and laughs to carry it.  It’s rare to find one that focuses on performance driven horror. 

And for the most part, it works.  The biggest sticking point is the third act where everything comes to a head all at once.  I can’t help but think that Bookwalter and Walsh must’ve run out of time or money (or both) since things end so abruptly and unsatisfyingly.  It’s only seventy minutes long, but this is one of the few times I wished a low budget vampire movie was longer, if only to properly flesh out the finale and give its characters a send-off they deserve. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MANIA (1971) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Suzanne (Penny King) is the latest addition to the home for wayward girls run by the “harsh disciplinarian” Ms. Wellington (Orita de Chadwick from Scorpion).  As soon as she arrives, a killer wearing black gloves begins picking off the girls one by one.  Could it be the creepy gardener?  Or perhaps it’s Ms. Wellington’s oddball son?

Mania is more concerned with the fucking than it is with the reveal of the killer.  Since the fucking is uniformly steamy from top to bottom, I’d say that’s a fair trade.  The first sex scene is an interracial coupling.  And by that, I mean it’s a lesbian scene featuring black and Asian actresses.  You don’t see that kind of combo very often in porn, even now.  So, for the film to start off with such a niche coupling already kind of bumps it up a notch in my book.  As a bonus, there are more “traditional” interracial pairings later in the film.  In fact, one lucky actor gets to bang a white, black, AND Asian gal throughout the movie.  I believe that’s called “hitting for the cycle”.

We also get a pretty hot incest scene involving Ms. Wellington and her son.  So, if you are into the big “I n’ I” (interracial and incest), you can probably add an extra Half Star to the movie’s rating.   There’s even a great scene where we witness Ms. Wellington’s disciplinarian skills firsthand when she spanks (and then seduces) a naughty schoolgirl.  Man, this one has something for everybody! 

That’s not even including the music (which features a non-sanctioned cover of The Eagles’ “Witchy Woman” and a Muzak version of “California Dreaming”) or the murder scenes, which are not bad, even if they are kind of brief.  The twist ending is kind of… uh… twisted too.  I just wish they showed the big reveal instead of having the characters only talk about it.  Oh well, that’s a relatively minor complaint to make about a minor classic of XXX horror. 

AKA:  School for Dead Girls.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

The year before director Jack Arnold and star Richard Carlson teamed up to make the iconic classic Creature from the Black Lagoon, they worked together on this 3-D Sci-Fi flick for Universal.  It is usually mentioned in the same breath as Creature because of the personnel, studio, and 3-D gimmick, and because of that, it inevitably suffers from comparison.  Yes, it falls short of Creature in just about every way, but it still stands as a fine example of ‘50s science fiction. 

Carlson stars as an astronomer living out in the middle of the desert who witnesses a meteor crash near his home.  Of course, it ain’t no meteor but a UFO.  (It looks like a bouncy ball.)  Naturally, no one believes him.  The one-eyed monster inside the ship needs to take the form of humans so they can help repair the ship and prepare it for its voyage home.  The first person it duplicates is Russell Johnson, the professor from Gilligan’s Island!  Maybe he could use some coconuts to put it back together. 

The movie starts with a bang (literally) and has a great set-up.  The scenes of Carlson exploring the crater are quite good too.  Things do slow down around the second act.  Arnold also kind of overdoes it with the bubble-eyed alien POV shots.  The comely Kathleen Hughes is sadly underutilized too (although she participated in some of the film’s most memorable publicity shots).  While It Came from Outer Space is effective and entertaining, it must be said that the whole “aliens replacing townsfolk” thing was done better in other later films like Invaders from Mars and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. 

Okay, now I got that off my chest this is still a strong Sci-Fi flick.  That last paragraph was just me nitpicking.  When the movie works, it really works.  Carlson is excellent and he carries the film over the slower stretches.  The ending is unique too as our hero is trying to stop the humans from destroying the aliens and not the other way around.  All in all, this is a thoughtful and compelling piece of 50s Sci-Fi.

4K UHD NOTES: 

I know I keep comparing this to Creature from the Black Lagoon, but since that and It Came from Outer Space are the only black and white movies in my 4K collection (so far), I honestly have nothing else to compare it to.  Fortunately, this looks and sounds just about as great as Creature did.  The swirling smoke billowing up from the crater of the ship looks hypnotic and the string on the meteor when it crashes is even more noticeable now in 4K.  I will say I wish that Universal had included an anaglyph 3-D version instead of a useless Blu-Ray 3-D disc, but oh well. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: COME DEADLY (1973) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A psycho who wears a big black hat and a black nylon stocking over his face is running around raping and killing women.  His latest victim is an actress in a small theater company.  A detective goes undercover as an actor to catch the killer but spends more time balling actresses than doing actual police work.  More women wind up dead and eventually, the cop-turned-thespian sets a trap for the serial sex maniac. 

Come Deadly is sort of a mix between an old school roughie and a horror porno.  The rapist looks like a cross between the killer in Blood and Black Lace and a goth beekeeper.  His memorable attire is about the best thing the movie has going for it.  While the theater setting is novel, the filmmakers don’t really exploit the possibilities to the fullest.  I mean you could’ve done a XXX version of Phantom of the Opera with this set-up and made it work.  Sadly, they just opted to make a rapey detective smut film. 

The detective scenes are pretty rote.  There’s a lot of scenes of the detective questioning suspects (before he fucks them), obvious red herrings, and a failed sting attempt.  This bare bones structure could’ve been a decent way to string together the sex scenes.  Since the rape scenes are mostly unpleasant and the so-called “normal” sex scenes are lackluster and uninspired, there’s just not much here to recommend one way or another.  At least it’s short.  (It’s only an hour long.)

You know you’re in for some cheap shit right from the title sequence, which is done with Crayola markers.  (I’d give the cursive penmanship a B+, which is shocking because the handwriting is the best thing about the movie.)  Honestly, your enjoyment of this one may depend on your tolerance for scenes where women are taken against their will and victimized.   For me, the incessant harp music during some of the sex scenes was even tougher to stomach. 

AKA:  The Harder They Fall.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WALTZ OF THE BAT (1972) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Eric Fledermaus (Barry Vane) is a dude in a black cape and top hat who pays a chick fifty bucks to come back to his pad.  He then reveals to her he is The Bat, “The Master of the Ball” and bangs her.  His superpower is that all women are in his power after he fucks them.  Once they are his slaves, he uses them to turn tricks to make him a quick buck.  Meanwhile, “The Bee” (Kandi Johnson), the woman who gave him his powers, sets out to stop him from corrupting more women. 

Waltz of the Bat is an odd, uneven mash-up of the horror, superhero, and porno genres.  The elements are thrown together so randomly you have to wonder if they were just making it all up as they went along.  The scenes where the characters address the camera are more goofy than anything too.  

It’s all very cheap looking.  In fact, you can see crew members in some shots, and a phone rings in one scene while a couple are doing the deed.  The costumes are strictly dime store stuff, too.  The Bat basically just looks like Dracula, which is fine I guess, but The Bee, who is supposed to be some sort of half-assed superheroine, looks like a refugee from a cable access kids show.  And don’t even get me started on the Native American guys who double team The Bee in one scene. 

The sex scenes are about average for this sort of thing.  Most of them are tepid, but there is an occasional spark of energy here and there.  Too bad that spark gets extinguished before the scenes can really ignite.  I’m thinking specifically of the final confrontation between The Bee and The Bat, which starts off well enough, but ends much too abruptly.  The quick-cut montage at the end is borderline schizophrenic too. 

I did like the fact that there was a still from Rodan randomly hanging on the wall in one scene though.  The performances are pretty good too. Vane makes for a decent heavy and Johnson (who was also in Behind the Green Door) has a lot of spunk as The Bee.  As far as superhero skin flicks go, it’s certainly no Bat Pussy, that’s for sure. 

WEIRD: THE AL YANKOVIC STORY (2022) ***

If this feels like a feature length Funny or Die spoof, it’s because that’s exactly what it is.  If you’re wondering if a Funny or Die sketch can become a viable motion picture, the answer is yes.  Mostly. 

Whereas Weird Al took regular songs and made them funny, the movie is essentially a comedy, but it plays things totally seriously.  You know, as if it was your average, run of the mill biopic of a famous musician.  This is a kind of tightrope act.  It’s something that would be easy to sustain for a five-minute short.  It’s another feat entirely to maintain the tone when you have to commit to the bit for nearly two hours.  And it succeeds.  Mostly.

Al (Daniel Radcliffe) wants to play polka, but his stern father (Toby Huss) forbids him in hopes he’ll someday work in the factory like his old man.  When Al gets recognition playing parody songs, he becomes an overnight success.  However, when his girlfriend Madonna (Evan Rachel Wood) gets kidnapped by drug czar Pablo Escobar, Al must go into the jungle to rescue her. 

The deadpan seriousness of some scenes is amusing, especially when it’s sending up the conventional biopic tropes.  For example, the scene where Al finds inspiration for “My Bologna” while making a bologna sandwich as The Knack just so happens to be fatefully playing on the radio at that exact moment.  The scene where Al comes up with his “original” song “Eat It” is also a clever jab at the way biopics often fudge facts for dramatic effect. 

Along the way, there are plenty of cameos (including Weird Al himself), all of whom get plenty of mileage from the maudlin acting style typically seen in biopics.  Most of them pop up during a funny Boogie Nights-inspired party scene playing various pop culture figures.  (My favorite:  Conan O’Brien as Andy Warhol.)

Radcliffe seems to be having fun as Weird Al.  It’s certainly one way to shed his Harry Potter image, that’s for sure.  Evan Rachel Wood steals the movie though.  She’s pitch perfect as Madonna, who seduces Al so he will parody “Like a Virgin” and keep her in the public spotlight.  

The film kind of goes off the rails once Al tries to rescue Madonna from the clutches of Pablo Escobar.  (That’s a sentence I’d never thought I’d write.)  This jaunt into action movie territory is a bit of a stretch to say the least.  Overall, the movie would’ve worked like gangbusters at eighty-seven minutes.  However, at one-hundred-and-seven minutes, it has a tough time making it to the finish line. 

If you love Weird Al like I do, it’s easy to forgive the film for some of its third act lapses.  It’s no UHF or anything, but it’s got plenty of laughs.  In the end, that’s all that really matters. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE RITES OF URANUS (1977) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A young girl is taken into a cult where she witnesses “The Rites of Uranus”.  (That’s just a fancy way of saying they stick a little candle up some girl’s ass before they bang her.)  Then two heavily oiled-up cultists get it on atop a velvet altar.  Eventually, the cult member initiates their new pledge into the group.  Trouble brews when the new gal accidentally kills the high priest while doing the deed.  (She suffocates him while giving him a mustache ride.)

This movie contains a lot of things you would not expect to see from a movie called The Rites of Uranus.  For one, the sets are pretty good as it actually looks like a creepy cult headquarters and not just a bedroom with some black light curtains.  Also, there’s a lot of atmosphere as the lighting is very moody and a fog machine sometimes swirls smoke around the proceedings.  The biggest surprise is the camerawork.  Often in these kinds of things, the camera is static and rarely picks up the best coverage of the performers.  Here, the camera swoops and circles the actors while they are performing, and the effect is quite cinematic. 

As a bonus, the movie also delivers on everything you would expect to see from a movie called The Rites of Uranus.  Namely, lots of butt stuff.  So, if that’s your sort of thing, then you should definitely enjoy this one.  In addition to candles, fingers, and dicks probe “the dark passage” of Uranus throughout the film.  In one wild scene, a cult member shoves “The Sword of Uranus” (a dildo with a hilt) up a guy’s ass!  Your mileage may vary, but I'd rethink my membership after they tried something like that on me. 

There’s also some great dialogue along the way too.  Most of it naturally revolves around Uranus puns.  However, I think my favorite line might’ve been:  “I’m locked up like an unevolved mammal!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A DIVA’S CHRISTMAS CAROL (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 27th, 2010)

Ah yes… A Diva’s Christmas Carol.  If ever there was a guilty pleasure Christmas movie, it’s this one.  I mean you all know my movie-watching tastes.  You know it’s not in my DNA to like this sort of flick.  The funny thing is though; A Diva’s Christmas Carol actually has more wit and genuine holiday cheer in it than a hundred other Christmas Carol knockoffs you’ll see this month.

 

Eboneeza Scrooge (Vanessa L. Williams) is a top-selling R & B diva who bosses her staff around and pinches pennies like a motherfucker.  She used to be part of a Destiny’s Child style trio (named “Desire”), but she went Beyonce on their ass in search of fame and fortune.  Of course, on Christmas, she gets haunted by the ghost of her dead band mate (Chili from TLC) who warns her she’ll be visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past (Kathy Griffin), Present (Duran Duran’s John Taylor), and Future.  Predictably, she sees the error of her ways, learns to care, regains her Christmas spirit, and all that shit.

 

I really like A Diva’s Christmas Carol because of its clever twists on the Dickens’ classic.  I think my favorite part was that the Ghost of Christmas Future was nothing more than a VH1 Behind the Music special that showed what would happen if Eboneeza didn’t change her ways.  And speaking of Eboneeza, I liked the way they played with the familiar characters’ names.  Even though her name was Eboneeza, they just called her “Ebony” for short, which I thought was pretty funny.  Then there’s the Jacob Marley character who is now a female named “Marley Jacobs”. 

 

Marley actually gets the best moments of the movie when she confronts Ebony about her miserly ways.  To prove she’s a real ghost, she rips off her own head and pulls her face off to let Ebony know that there are “no facials in the afterlife”.  I’m sure Charles Dickens himself would approve of that particular rewrite.

 

You guys are probably thinking it’s April Fools and not Christmas but I’m telling you, this one is pretty funny.  Do yourself a favor and don’t be such a Scrooge and check it out.  You’ll be glad you did.

BLOOD TIES (1991) **

Blood Ties is a TV movie that’s basically an unsold pilot.  It was produced by Gene Corman (Roger’s brother) and directed by Jim (Breathless) McBride.  Despite the pedigree behind the camera, it still somehow winds up being lukewarm and forgettable. 

A vampire teen (Jason London in his film debut) goes on the run after his parents are staked by a vampire hunter (Bo Hopkins sporting a laughable Amish beard with no mustache).  He flees to Long Beach, California which is a haven for vampires who live quietly among the humans.  The vampire hunters follow, and it’s up to the clan leader (Patrick Bauchau) to decide how to retaliate. 

Even though the majority of Blood Ties is lame, I must admit that some of the dialogue is rather amusing.  Take for instance the scene when a vampire reporter (Harley Venton) teaches London about vampire sex, or as he calls it, “The Bats and the Bees”.  Or when the vampires talk about revealing their true nature to the world by saying, “It’s time to come out of the coffin”.  I also liked how they refer to themselves as “Carpathian-Americans” because they believe the term “vampire” is racist.  I guess you better be politically correct when you talk to a bloodsucker. 

The performances are a mixed bag.  Michelle Johnson is sexy as the sultry vamp who in the film’s most memorable scene is able to pop the buttons off her blouse just by heaving her bosom up and down.  Bauchau is okay as the sleazy vampire businessman, but Venton is a bit dull in the lead.  Sadly, Hopkins, along with Gregory Scott Cummins and Grace Zabriskie are woefully underutilized as the vampire hunters. 

This might’ve worked if it had gone to series and was able to expand upon its ideas.  However, like most TV pilots, it takes an inordinate amount of time to gather any steam.  The plot is splintered (the low rent Lost Boys stuff with London works better than the “A” plot line with Venton romancing a human lawyer) and the pacing is sluggish.  The made for TV limitations also mean there’s more talk than action (the finale is fine for an episode of a TV show, but it’s definitely lacking for a feature film) and that the sex scenes (a McBride specialty) are watered down.  (Johnson shows off her cleavage and her bare back and shoulders but that’s it.)  These limitations prevent Blood Ties from having much bite. 

THE UNNAMABLE (1988) ***

A century ago, an old warlock kept a monster chained up in a decrepit house until one day, it turned on its keeper and ripped his heart out.  Flash forward to the present day when some frat boys try to impress a couple of sorority pledges by hanging out in the supposedly haunted house.  It doesn’t take long before the creature wakes up and begins stalking the co-eds.  It’s then up to a pompous bookworm from Miskatonic University named Randolph Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson) to save the day. 

Based on an H.P. Lovecraft story, this cheesy ‘80s horror flick has a tongue-in-cheek sensibility about it that adds to the fun.  It would make a good double feature with the Lovecraft-inspired Evil Dead as both movies contain the Necronomicon, living trees, and clueless dolts getting beat up by supernatural monsters.  It also contains a nice helping of gore (hearts ripped out, severed heads, torn out throats, brain splattering, arm breaking, and face ripping) and a healthy amount of T & A courtesy of Laura (Dr. Caligari) Albert as a horny co-ed. 

The monster is pretty cool too.  It’s kind of like a naked she-demon type thing complete with horns, hooves, and mini bat wings.  The amusing performance by Stephenson also helps keep things afloat.  I liked that he spent most of the movie pouring over old books in the library while everyone was busy being chased by the monster.  The Unnamable also benefits from a great setting as the house has so much personality that it’s essentially another character in the film.  That’s really saying something since about half of the movie is devoted to people walking down the darkened hallways of the house looking for other people. 

If you’re a Lovecraft fan, you will probably enjoy The Unnamable.  Nobody reinvented the wheel with this one, but for fans of ‘80s horror, it would make for perfect viewing on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DR. SEXUAL AND MISTER HYDE (1973) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Dr. Jekyll runs a mental hospital and watches as a patient masturbates with a candlestick.  Afterwards, he drinks a potion and turns into a sex maniac.  When his girlfriend won’t put out, he gives her the formula too and they bang.  (Although for someone who just drank a potion that transforms people into sex fiends, he sure has a lot of trouble staying hard.)  He then drops her off to the psych ward so she can ball his nymphomaniac patient.  Dr. Jekyll next seduces a young virgin in his office before bringing everyone together for a big orgy. 

Your enjoyment of Dr. Sexual and Mister Hyde may all depend on what you’re expecting out of a porno version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  For one, Dr. Jekyll only takes his formula once and it’s pretty much forgotten about until the end when the schoolgirl’s boyfriend accidentally drinks some.  There’s no exploring the duality of man themes inherent in Robert Louis Stevenson’s source material.  Nope, instead we just get right to the fucking.  Many probably won’t care about that, but for me, it seemed like a big missed opportunity.  Or at the very least they could’ve played up some of the horror trappings of the story.  I myself wouldn’t have minded so much if the hardcore action was hot.  As it turns out, it’s all rather tepid. 

Technically speaking, Dr. Sexual and Mister Hyde is kind of a mess.  The sound drops completely out in some parts and the dubbing is awful.  Although it’s supposed to be a turn of the century period piece (I think), one girl is seen wearing peace sign earrings.  Again, this criticism might not be held water had the sex scenes been remotely erotic. 

I guess it was sort of clever that (Spoiler Alert for a stupid porno from the ‘70s) in the end we learn the solution was just water and the people just turned into sex freaks on their own accord.  However, that doesn’t quite make up for the abrupt downbeat ending that comes out of nowhere.  All in all, Dr. Sexual and Mister Hyde is a mixed bag to be sure. 

AKA:  Dr. S. and Mr. Hide.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SCORPION (1975) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A concerned woman hires a sleazy private eye to find her missing sister.  He agrees to take the case, but not before he forces himself on her first.  Together, they investigate a scorpion cult who are having a meeting that night.  (It looks like your average run of the mill ‘70s swingers’ club.)  Oh, and you can tell who’s a member of the cult by the prominent scorpion tattoo just below their waistline (which is to say, everybody).  After balling her way through the cult, our poor heroine finally learns the not-so shocking truth about her sister. 

As far as twist endings in detective stories go, let’s just say the one in The Scorpion is no Chinatown or anything.  Not by a long shot.  At least it has an ending, which is something that can’t be said for some of these pornos I’ve been watching lately.  (Speaking of endings, the words “The End” are written on a woman’s butt cheeks, which was a nice touch.)

The Scorpion is your typical low budget ‘70s porno.  You’ve seen worse and you’ve certainly seen better, but it gets the job done for the most part.  I will say that I do have to knock a few points off just because the women in this one are lousy with stretch marks.  They have more stripes on them than a tiger.  One even has a fairly deep Caesarian scar.  At least they all look pretty hot above the waist and have no qualms about getting it on.  I guess that’s the most important thing. 

Don’t get me wrong.  The Scorpion is still cheap as fuck.  I mean you can hear the director (a woman) yell “and… ACTION!” at the start of one scene.  Despite the chintzy production values, I have to say that the hardcore action really isn’t all that bad.  That’s the main criteria for judging something like this anyway.  There’s a lot of variety here too.  We get traditional guy on girl, lesbian, interracial, and three-ways.  Since there’s a little something for everybody, I can’t really judge it too harshly. 

Overall, The Scorpion doesn’t have much sting to it, but it’s a passable retro porno. 

AKA:  Cult of the Scorpion.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ROAD HOUSE (1989) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

Road House is the ultimate Patrick Swayze movie. Ghost maybe his highest grossing movie and the chicks may love him in Dirty Dancing, but consider this: Does Ghost feature Swayze ripping out people’s throats while spouting out Eastern Philosophy? Didn’t think so. As for Dirty Dancing, I think I’ll pass on any film featuring Swayze prancing around in a leotard. No matter how “dirty” the dancing.

The plot of Road House isn’t much different of that of an old Western (right down to the names of the characters: Doc, Dalton, Cody, Morgan, Red, etc.) where John Wayne would ride into town and find the villain extorting money from the townsfolk, killing people and generally not being a nice guy. The Duke would come in, put a damper on the bad guy’s operation, while finding time to make some new friends and find a purdy lady to settle down with. Actually the plot of Road House isn’t too far off from your average Incredible Hulk episode except that Swayze doesn’t turn into Lou Ferrigno when he gets angry. Yes, you’ve seen all the formula before, but have you seen it with Swayze added into the equation?

Swayze plays Dalton, “the best damn cooler in the business.” Everywhere he goes everyone knows him and his reputation. The movie exists in its own surreal world where EVERYONE knows who the best bouncer in the world is. It’s my guess that in reality you’d be hard pressed to name the best bouncer in the county. I mean I can’t even remember the name of the bouncer who threw me out of Louie’s for touching a table dancer’s ta-ta’s.

And how did they decide he was the best? Did they put it to a vote? Was there an essay contest? Did they hold some sort of Bouncer Olympics? All I know is that everywhere he goes someone whispers to another, “That’s Dalton!”

Dalton is propositioned by Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) the owner of the Double Deuce to come and bounce for him. Tilghman says, “It’s the kind of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after close.” I don’t know if the sounds like an enticing work environment to you, but for $5000 up front, $500 a night and all medical expenses paid, Dalton accepts. Tilghman takes the liberty of booking him the next flight out but Dalton declines. “I don’t fly. Too dangerous.” As Tilghman walks out he remarks to Dalton, “I thought you’d be bigger.” This running gag has been around since the old Westerns and has been used right up through Escape From L.A.

(Suggested Road House Drinking Game #1: Take a shot every time someone says “I thought you’d be bigger”, to Dalton.)

Before Dalton heads to the Double Deuce though, he gives the keys of his beater to a bum, who asks him, “What do I look like some valet?” “Keep it, it’s yours.” Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce in his REAL car, a Mercedes (bouncing is surely a good way to pay the bills) to assess the situation. He finds drug dealing, prostitution (“What do you say we get nipple to nipple?), and some of the rowdiest barroom brawlers this side of Detroit. Meanwhile we get to meet some of the staff, like Cody (Jeff Healy), lead singer of the house band and a buddy of Dalton’s from the old days. There’s also the waitress and part time singer Carrie Ann (Murphy’s Law’s Kathleen Wilhoite), the studly bouncer Steve (Gary Hudson), the bartender Pat (X’s John Doe), and Morgan (Pro Wrestler Terry Funk) the hot-headed cooler. Carrie tells Dalton: “Morgan was born an asshole, he just grew bigger.”

Attempts by the staff to find out more about their co-worker fail. They ask him, “You got a name?” To which he replies, “Yep.” Once they figure out who he is, they of course know his reputation. Morgan confronts him by saying, “I heard you had balls big enough to cum in a dump truck, but you don’t look like much to me.” Dalton retorts, “Opinions vary.” But it’s Cody who sums up Dalton best: “You fuck with him, and he’ll seal your fate."

Rumors also spread that Dalton once killed a man by ripping his throat out. (This little bit of exposition about Dalton’s past comes up about every ten minutes or so, so to increase your enjoyment of the movie play Suggested Road House Drinking Game #2: Take a shot whenever someone mention’s Dalton’s shady past.)

The next day Dalton buys a used car to drive to work in and rents a loft from a farmer named Emmett (Sunshine Parker), who lives across the river from the richest man in town, Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara). Wesley is the kinda guy who prides himself in pulling fly-bys in his private helicopter over Emmett’s land to scare his livestock.

The next morning Dalton arranges a meeting of the Double Deuce’s staff. He fires a drug dealing waitress as well as Morgan who according to Dalton “Doesn’t have the temperament for the trade”. When Morgan asks him about his employment options, Dalton remarks, “There’s always Barber College.” Dalton makes it clear during the meeting: “It’s my way or the highway.

The following scene in which Dalton instructs the rest of the staff on the finer points of bouncing has to be one of the greatest scenes ever committed to celluloid and is a wonderful showcase for Swayze’s awesomely mediocre acting talents. The three important rules of bouncing are as follows: Bouncing Rule #1: Never underestimate your opponent. EXPECT the unexpected. Bouncing Rule #2: Take it outside. Never start anything in the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. Bouncing Rule #3: Be nice. Rule #3 doesn’t sit well with Steve who asks, “What if someone calls my mama a whore?” To which Dalton replies, “Is she?”

The first night of Dalton’s tenure at the Double Deuce, he fires Steve for making it with a chick. It’s too bad for Steve because to hear him tell it, the girl was “Gonna be my regular Saturday night thing!” He also fires Pat for stealing from the till. “I figure he’s costing you $150 a night.” “So?” “Consider it severance pay. Take the train.” Tilghman muses: “It was a good night. Nobody died,” but Dalton ever the pessimist offers, “It’ll get worse before it gets better.” That night Dalton goes to get into his beater and finds the windshield has been smashed. Dalton’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer but he knows better than to pimp the Benz in town. That night Dalton tries to get a little shut eye, but his pesky neighbor Brad Wesley throws a wild pool party, complete with topless girls, which keeps Dalton up all night.

The next morning, Carrie Ann brings Dalton some doughnuts and tells him he shouldn’t have fired Pat the bartender. “I think I’m looking at a dead man.” “Wherever I go, I always hear that.” As far as I can tell, this scene only exists to show Swayze’s butt glistening in the early morning sun. (Why is it that every action movie hero has to show off his ass?)

On his way to the Auto Parts store, Dalton gets ran off the road and nearly killed by Wesley who’s driving around town like a lunatic while singing along to “Shh-Boom”. You see Wesley’s the kind of guy who likes to drive erratically while listening to the oldies station at full blast, so the audience automatically hates him. At the Auto Parts store Dalton befriends the owner, Red who imparts this nugget of advice: “Don’t ever marry an ugly woman, it takes the energy right out of you.” While they chat Wesley comes in to formally introduce himself to Dalton and wishes him luck on cleaning up the “bad element” that is the Double Deuce.

Cue up the random scene where Dalton practices kung fu by the riverside with his shirt off. (Suggested Road House Drinking Game #3: Take a shot every time Swayze appears shirtless.)

The next night Pat shows up with some of Wesley’s cronies and demands his job back. It seems that not only is Pat Wesley’s nephew and should be gainfully employed based on that sole qualification, but Wesley also controls all the liquor in the county, so if the Double Deuce ever wants to serve booze again, they have to fire Dalton and re-hire Pat. Dalton doesn’t take kindly to nepotism and promptly throws Pat through a plate glass window, which starts up a barroom brawl.

(Suggested Road House Drinking Game #4: Take a shot every time a barroom brawl erupts.)

In the fracas Dalton gets knifed and goes to the nearest hospital. Dalton arrives to the ER carrying his medical records with him because “it saves time”. Throughout his bouncing career Dalton has sustained “9 staples, 31 broken bones, 2 bullet wounds, and 4 stainless steel screws.” In other words, Dalton is pretty much held together by bubble gum and Silly Putty. Lucky for him Doc (Kelly Lynch) in on duty to fix him up. When she asks him, “How’d this happen?” he replies, “Natural causes.” As she staples him up, they flirt a bit. He impresses her by being a NYU grad with a PHD in philosophy. He waxes philosophic and offers nuggets of barroom wisdom like “pain don’t hurt”, and “nobody ever wins a fight”. By the way they look at each other; you just know they’re going to be knocking the boots sometime before the credits roll.

Meanwhile, Wesley’s men return to him with their tails between their legs. They line up in front of him and Wesley singles out O’Connor (Michael Rider) and beats him up while the others (who all call him “Boss”—that’s right folks it’s that kind of movie) look on. Wesley regrets not sending his right-hand man, Jimmy (Marshall Teague) who would’ve done the job right. When Dalton visits Red, he finds out that Wesley takes up a collection from all the town’s businesses for the “Jasper Improvement Fund” which is just a fancy term for extortion. This makes Dalton MAD. Not only is Wesley an extortionist, but he’s also a lousy neighbor and listens to oldies full blast when he drives. Actually, Wesley probably doesn’t make a whole lot extorting the townsfolk since the town is only comprised of a bar, a used car lot, an auto parts store and Emmett’s farm. Guy’s gotta make money some way, I guess. Dalton calls up his friend Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott) for a background check on Wesley, but he isn’t much help. (By the way, Wade is the second-best bouncer in the world.)

That night some troublemakers enter the Double Deuce, setting the stage for one of the film’s standout action sequences. One look at these guys and Dalton knows they’re trouble. To complicate matters, one of the knuckleheads has a razor-sharp steel tipped boot. Dalton points this out to his crew: “Right boot!” Cut to:  A close-up of the steel tip glistening under the hot lights. He confronts the boot wearing miscreant. “Sorry, we’re closed.” “Then what are all these people doing here then?” “Drinking and having a good time.” “That’s why we’re here,” and with that he tries to kick Dalton with his boot, but Dalton grabs his foot. “You’re too stupid to have a good time!” He snaps the guy’s foot, breaking his ankle and drags him outside. He throws the boot safely out of fighting distance and proceeds to put those boys in a hurt locker. After kicking their collective asses, he imparts this Dalton-ism to his crew: “Even the biggest guy in the world, you smash his knee, and he’ll drop like a stone.” Dalton was successful in this action sequence largely because he followed the three rules of bouncing: He expected the unexpected (the razor-sharp boot), he took the fight outside, and he was nice about the whole thing.

Lucky for him, Doc was in the crowd, and she got to see him in action, and believe me she liked what she saw. They go out on a date and Doc does NOT put out. She’s obviously a lady first and a bouncer groupie second.

The next day Wesley sends for Dalton to have a face-to-face meeting. They try to talk, but Jimmy’s girl Denise (Julie Michaels) is busy aerobicizing in the other room to a heavy synth beat that you could have only heard in the 80’s. Wesley yells at her to turn it off and she does and scurries away. Wesley says, “I can’t stand that crap, it’s got no heart.” Yeah, it lacks the deep soulfulness of “Shh-Boom”. As they talk, Dalton’s curiosity is piqued by a photo of Wesley’s grandfather. “He looks like an important man.” “He was an asshole.” While eating breakfast Wesley boasts about how powerful and influential he is. “When I came to this town after Korea, there was nothing. I brought the mall here, I got the 7-qq, the photo-mat here; Christ J.C. Penny is coming here because of me! You ask anyone, they’ll tell you.”

You know the folks of Jasper should be paying Wesley the extortion money. It’s the least they can do. If it wasn’t for him, the citizens wouldn’t be able to shop for discount apparel while drinking a Slurpee when they’ve got an hour to kill while waiting for their photos to develop. Wesley asks Dalton to come work for him and he refuses. He also brings up Dalton’s shady past, which is something Dalton is clearly not ready to talk about until the third act.

Meanwhile the Double Deuce has gotten so respectable that they’ve taken the chicken wire down from the bandstand. But trouble is brewing because no liquor supplier will deliver to them thanks to Wesley’s influence and Dalton’s insolence. Doc and Dalton go on their second date in which she finally puts out and we get to see Kelly Lynch’s luscious breasts and scrumptious buns on display. After humping they lay out on the roof where Wesley glares at them menacingly from across the river.

(Suggested Road House Drinking Game # 5: Take a shot every time Dalton and Wesley glare at each other from across the river.)

The next night, Dalton learns from Cody that Wesley used to have a thing for Doc, which makes him even that much more pissed at Dalton. When Dalton is finally able to get some booze to the Double Deuce, he gets jumped by Wesley’s men before it can even get off the truck. Luckily for him Wade shows up and saves his bacon. He also gets to show off why he’s number 2 in the business. Goon: “You wanna fight?” Wade: “Well I ain’t gonna show you my dick!” WHAM! Wade cracks him right in the nuts. “Damn that hurts, don’t it?”

After kicking the snot out of Wesley’s hick patrol Dalton, Doc and Wade all go out on the town. When Doc goes to powder her nose, Wade brings up “Memphis” finishing up the last bit of Dalton’s exposition (don’t forget to take that shot). You see in Memphis Dalton was shacked up with someone’s old lady and when her jealous hubby pulled a gun on him, Dalton ripped his throat out. Dalton still feels bad about it, but as Wade points out, “When a guy points a gun in your face you got two options: Die or kill the motherfucker!”

Wade decides to stick around and help Dalton out, but that night Red’s Auto Parts store burns to the ground. Everyone rushes out of the Double Deuce to see the explosion and when they return to the bar, Wesley and his men have appeared inside. In so many words he admits to blowing the place up. (“I want to buy those firefighters a drink!”) Then for no good reason Denise gets up on stage and does a striptease. After showing everyone her boobs, Dalton helps her off the stage and tells Wesley, “If you’re gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash!” Then Jimmy in a fit of jealous rage (you’d be mad too if your girlfriend just showed the whole town her ta-tas) starts laying into everybody with a broken pool cue. A brawl breaks out and just as Jimmy and Dalton are about to square off, Wesley fires a pistol and says he’s seen enough and turns in early for bed.

The next day, the town’s business owners (all three of them) get together and plot to get rid of Wesley, but he gets wind of it and as punishment he gets one of his boys to drive Bigfoot through the office of the used car lot. That’s right you read right. Wesley is so rich and powerful that he owns Bigfoot. It’s that kind of movie folks.

Looking closer at this scene you can tell the hidden message of the movie: Big time corporations are crushing the small-town business owner. Note that the salesman is wearing an American flag tie, clearly meant to represent the average American business owner. Wesley and Bigfoot represent the major corporate chains (“JC Penny is coming here because of me!”) that are leveling out the small privately owned businesses of this great nation. Makes you think, don’t it?

Afterwards while Dalton practices the kung fu he’s gonna use during the climax, Doc pleads with him not to kill Wesley and leave town but Dalton refuses. “I’ve seen his kind many times over. He’ll keep on taking and taking until someone takes him! He picked me and when he did, he fucked up!” As they argue, Emmett’s place blows up and they rush over to pull him out of the fire. Jimmy, not the most subtle of right-hand men, rides by on his motorcycle cackling. Dalton sees him and somehow outruns the motorcycle and tackles Jimmy to the ground.

What follows is one of the greatest Hero-Fights-the-Villain’s-Right-Hand-Man-to-the-Death scenes ever. Jimmy yells: “Prepare to die!” and the fight is on. (Personal side note: How does one prepare to die anyway, especially on such short notice? It always seems in these movies when the bad guy shouts, “Prepare to die”, the hero has made preparations to live, since he always ends up killing the bad guy anyways.) Jimmy and Dalton kung fu the hell out of each other for a good five minutes or so until Jimmy gets the upper hand and boasts, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison!” This seriously puts Dalton’s bunghole in jeopardy, so he reaches deep down and pulls out his best ka-ra-te on Jimmy’s ass. After Jimmy’s had enough of getting his butt handed to him, he pulls a gun on Dalton. “I’m gonna kill you the old-fashioned way!” Doc comes running by just in the nick of time to see Dalton dispatching Jimmy by ripping his larynx out.

When Doc sees this she just walks away in disgust. She’s clearly not ready to have a serious relationship with a serial throat ripper at this point in her life. Dejected, Dalton screams out the villain’s name (always a classy move in an action movie), but luckily for him in this movie the villain can actually hear him because he’s right across the river.

The next day, Dalton gets a call from Wesley at the Double Deuce and tells him he must choose who dies: Doc or Wade. Since Dalton answers with, “You’re a sick man” Wesley has to flip a coin. “I’ll let you know how it turned out.” Wade then shuffles into the bar bruised and bloodied and tells Dalton that Wesley said, “He was lucky”. Dalton, now realizing that Doc is in danger, rushes to the hospital to save her. He finds her looking at some X-rays and generally still being pissed about the whole ripping-the-guy’s-throat-out thing. Dalton now realizes it was a trick and races back to the bar to save Wade, but he’s too late. He finds Wade with a knife stuck in him with a note attached saying, “It was tails.”

Dalton takes the knife and sticks it into the accelerator of his car and uses it to crash through Wesley’s gate. His goons fall for the old you-thought-I’d-blow-up-my-Benz-with-me-in-it routine and Dalton sets about to taking out Wesley’s henchmen one by one. He weasels his way inside of Wesley’s lair, setting the stage for the mano y mano showdown in Wesley’s private trophy room. This room is filled with just about every kind of animal known to man, but by the looks of Wesley, I think the bastard ordered them out of a catalog just to make himself look tough. “I see you found my trophy room. The only thing that’s missing is your ass!”

Now honestly, how would Dalton’s ass look up on a plaque? That’s not the sort of thing that will tie your room together. If you need to, I guess you can rewind to that gratuitous butt shot of Dalton’s near the beginning of the movie so you could decide for yourself.

Dalton hides behind an animal and leaps out at Wesley (though in reality Wesley could have clearly seen him but never mind) and Wesley shoots him in the shoulder, but Dalton is able at the last second to kick the gun out of his hand. Wesley comes at him with a big spear and says, “I thought it would be fun to fight you.” Dalton although wounded is still able to kick his doughy ass. Just as he goes into the old rip-out-the-guy’s-throat technique, he relents, which is good for him because Doc arrives and sees that his throat ripping days are behind him. They embrace and as Wesley goes to shoot them, he gets blown away by the town’s shopkeepers (who materialize out of thin air). “This is our town, don’t you forget it!” The cops come but can’t arrest anybody because “nobody saw a thing.” Score one for the small business owners of America. With Wesley and his men dead, and the Double Deuce a safe and friendly nightspot, Dalton and Doc skinny dip off into the sunset.

What lies in Dalton’s future? We’re not sure, but maybe he can work with Doc in the hospital performing last minute tracheotomies since he’s so adept at ripping people’s throats out.

Road House was directed by Rowdy Herrington and the movie is every bit as rowdy as his name suggests. He also directed the definitive Bruce Willis on a Boat Movie, Striking Distance. He’s done some other stuff too, but nothing in his oeuvre can compare to this flick. Road House will always go down in the annals of cinema as one of the greatest movies of all time. (You know the movie is jam packed with greatness when it hires the booming voiced Keith David and then has no room for him, regulating him to being the REPLACEMENT bartender who only gets like three lines!) All the key ingredients (Swayze, wonderfully bad dialogue, irredeemable violence, a mountain load of clichés) come together to make a film that’s somehow more than a sum of its parts. A film that transcends or merely “good” or “bad” and achieves a level of awesomeness the likes of which man isn’t used to when he’s watching TBS at 2:00 AM on a Saturday. Road House is a paragon of its kind. Bar none the greatest Patrick Swayze movie of all time.

QUICK THOUGHTS: 

Road House remains one of the quintessential films of the ‘80s.  It works on so many levels.  It’s an ‘80s action movie that acts a critique on the genre while still very much delivering on the expectations of the genre.  It works as camp or as a straight action flick, often simultaneously.  It also gives us the definitive Patrick Swayze performance… AND the definitive Swayze mullet.  It is simply one of the greatest movies in the history of the human race. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Road House was the first like… “real” movie Vinegar Syndrome put out.  As such, it’s a solid transfer.  They’ve definitely done better restorations before and since, but this still looks good.  Then again, you don’t really want a movie like Road House to look too classy.  You still want some grit to it.