Thursday, December 5, 2024

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HELLBLOCK 13 (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

I’m a sucker for a good anthology horror movie.  Having Scream Queen Debbie Rochon and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Gunnar Hansen in the cast doesn’t hurt either.  They star in “The Wraparound Segments” (***), which are kind of like a cross between the wraparound sequences from Tales from the Darkside:  The Movie and a Women in Prison flick.  Rochon is a serial killer (who is allegedly the illegitimate child of Charles Manson) who is about to be executed.  To pass the time, she tells her executioner (Hansen) scary stories she has written. 

The first story, “Watery Grave” (** ½), is a mix of the “Something to Tide You Over” segment from Creepshow and the real-life Susan Smith case (who coincidentally is in the news again).  A spiteful mother drowns her two kids to spend more time with her boyfriend.  Before long, her waterlogged zombified children come after her.  This one is short and sweet and to the point.  It doesn’t knock it out of the park, but it doesn’t make any missteps either. 

Next is “White Trash Love Story” (**), a tale of a battered teenage bride who lives in a trailer with her abusive redneck husband.  After a particularly brutal beating, she turns to her neighbor, an old witch for help.  The grizzled crone gives her a potion to get revenge, but it predictably backfires on her.  Although this story starts out fine, the ending is rushed and unsatisfying.  The goopy transformation scenes and rubbery effects aren’t bad though. 

In the final story, “Flashback Biker Girl” (** ½), a biker gang converges on a cemetery where they perform a ritual to resurrect their long dead biker mama (J.J. North from Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold).  This segment is kind of slow and the ending is predictable.  Since it features J.J. as an undead biker babe and some brief lesbian biker sex, it’s tough to be too finicky about it. 

Rochon gives a great performance and is the main reason to see it.  She always excelled when she was given a character that’s equal parts horny and homicidal.  Debbie has a nice rapport with Hansen too.  It makes you wish they did more films together.

Hellblock 13 sort of acted as the final installment of a loose trilogy of anthologies directed by Paul Talbot and starring Hansen.  (Campfire Tales and Freakshow were the other two.)  

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